Am I wrong?


I am 44 years old divorced with 3 adult children 2 new grandbabies. I live next door to my parents. I have a brother and sister. My parents are age Mom is 78 Dad is 72 I am the only one who takes care of them out of the family. My Mother has a few health conditions. My father is a veteran. They receive around 6,000 a month together between VA and Social security. My father has congestive heart failure along with diabetes and lots of other health conditions. Luckily we both own our homes and don't pay a mortgage. I take them to every doctor appointment. I have to fight with my Dad everyday to wear his oxygen which he should have every day. I have to remind him every day about his insulin, he does have a nurse that comes out 3 times a week but all she does is his vitals. He lies to her all the time about not eating sweets and other food that is bad for him. He was told not to drink cokes he has kidney failure. But he still continues to drink them. This is an everyday battle. He gets mad at me when I tell him, he says he is not a child and knows what to do. I have sacerficed my life to take care of them. My Mother has asked me not to work to help with him she says she cannot do it alone. However I have no income I have always worked but when I did I always had to leave my job to come home and take care of them because he would have low blood sugar or way to high. I'm paid 60.00 a week to clean only 6 hours a week by home healthcare but I do way more then 6 hours.My mother is so mean to everyone. She's negative and always mad. When I drive them my Dad always is telling me from the back seat slow down, put your blinker on etc. I can't do anything right. My brother and sister never come to help. I come home and cry and just feel like I'm tired of all of it but they are my parents so I begin to feel guikty. I have major back problems and always have to take Dad's Walker in and out of the car when it's a grocery shopping I do all the loading and unloading alone. This is so hard especially the fighting everyday. Just this morning Dad went to get donuts and is not even suppose to be driving but left without me knowing. My Mon didn't say anything she let him go. He will listen to her but she refused to tell him anything. I told him please don't eat that donut he said why I'm fine. My sugar is good I did my insulin He thinks because he does insulin he can eat anything he want. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I also feel that if she doesn't want me to work because I feel that she wants me to always be the bad guy telling him what he can and cannot do that they can afford to pay me something out of their pocket for all I do I have to live and I cannot on 60.00 a week. What to do? I never can go anywhere I don't have a life! I rarely get to see my grandbabies because Mom will critize anyone and everything. It's so embarrassing when we go out in public she stares at people all the time. Saying things like look at her OMG or look at him. I have recently caught myself acting like her. Being mean and negative with my own children I don't want to become her. My kids have even noticed telling me Mom what's wrong? It's just that I want a life of my own but feel so guilty. What to do?????

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It is your choice to take care of them; and honestly they are not letting you take care of them, they are just playing you. And I don't think you can set limits. I think you need to never set foot in their house again, and if they call or come to the door (don't let them in) tell them to call the plumber, call 911, whatever they need to do. You will kill yourself. Sometime I am very unhappy deal with my mother. It is not going to kill me.

When people say, "You owe me; I gave you life" your first thought should be, did you give me any quality of life?
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"it's my job to take care of them since they took care of me. " Why isn't it also your brother's and your sister's job to take care of them? Didn't your parents take care of them?
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Thank you for your support. Yesterday Mom asked me to out Christmas lights up. So I did and we discussed just being there the 2 hours a day for 3 days and she said you know if your going to do that then you need to be here the 2 hours straight. Not go home 15 mins and then come back I was so hurt it took me 5 hours to get there Christmas boxes out if the she'd and out the lights up climbing the ladder I went home for 15 mins to put a load of my own clothes. I was so hurt instead of her saying the lights looked good she complained the whole time. I also took them to Walmart to get a few things they needed she said well this should not be included in the hours. My Dad is the one that is suppose to be riding in the electronic cart because of his heart condition by the end of the trip she was riding in it she said well my leg hurts. I was so angry I don't want to get angry but I feel like now that my Dad has to have more of the attention she doesn't like it so she starts to complain about herself. I guess I get upset because when I say ugh my back is hurting the first thing she says to me is you'll be fine. You know for the first time I looked up what a Narcissist is and I truley believe that was she is it always has to be about her. She's never wrong. The arguing has really gotten to me she will argue even when she is wrong. I pray so hard for peace and Good to give me the strength to just take thier orders and not say anything back. I keep telling myself God sees everything I'm doing even if she never says how much she appreciates me that I'm there for them to help with everything thing way more then the 6 hours a week. Today I decided I'm staying home I'm not going to thier house and see if one day they will miss me and I'm going to put my Christmas tree up for my grandbabies. She also knew that I didn't have very much decorations to out up and I literally took out 8 boxes of Christmas decor for her not once did she say oh here you can have this even so that it can be a family airlumb. I just keep reading that all this is normal behavior for the elderly. They become greedy and mean. I read all of this to comfort myself to know that they are just not being this way to me. It's just so hard they don't even care to listen to Christmas music it's like I want to smile I want to be happy I wish they would be happier. I will say since my brother and sister rarely come around when they do my Mom gets happy and treats them so special because she hardly sees them. It hurts my feelings because I'm the one always thier why not give me a smile or a hug and maybe say something nice to me. I probably shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself it's my job to take care of them since they took care of me. Thank you guys for your kind words just asking keep me in your prayers to have peace and joy with my parents and in my life.
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You need to take care of you. They can take care of themselves. Follow all of the above comments. They are right.
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Wow! I’m so so sorry for you! Go back to work and take care of you, please. You can’t keep caring for them. They don’t listen anyways.
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Agree with all. I went thru same for 9 yrs with my mom when dad passed. They won’t listen. My mom would sometimes make things up about needing help. I have a family and full time job and I refused to give it up—mom would never have paid me she was very possessive of her money and home. I knew she had enough to hire outside help and told her that is what she and dad saved for and if she wanted to stay in her home and have it her way she could hire help.

She never did but I just let it go—not without guilt and beating myself up...but this forum and talking with social worker gave me strength to understand that elders have rights to make decisions —even poor ones. Families can help but shouldn’t enable elders that can’t or shouldn’t be taking care of themselves.

I had a long learning curve. If I could do it again, I’d have gotten tougher early on.

You should be working period. We aren’t here to take care of parents. They most likely didn’t take care of their parents and today, we have to consider a long life, that means retirement investments, income, insurance and healthcare —including long term care. Even if u sell your house, likely that will pay only a year of residential care or even inhome care.

I hope your parents have given you DPOA and considered compensation for you in their will above and beyond your brothers and sisters. Ha wishful thinking.

I’ve done all for my mom the last 9 yrs including getting her into memory care this yr and selling her house etc. it all goes to her care. My family has done zip but the will will evenly distribute whatever remains.
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And something I wished I'd learned years ago. You are a good person; your parents are never going to work that out and tell you, so you need to learn to tell yourself and listen when others tell you.
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I second or third that. Don't try to change your dad. He is making his choices. Your parents are legally competent. They can manage without you. Get your own life back. The guilt is false guilt due to not meeting your parent's unhealthy expectations. You are enabling them which is not good for you or for them.
Look after yourself, your back will get worse doing what you are doing, enjoy your kids and grandbabies. Blessings and come back and let us know how you are doing.
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I totally agree with Meallen. Take a break for a month. Your parents are adults and are responsible for themselves.

Hey, it's tough when adults are stubborn and uncooperative. But in the end, they are legally competent. Let them be. Take care of you and enjoy the grandbabies!
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I am new here. Other may have better ideas.

It's not your job to make sure your dad eats correctly or uses his 02. He's a rational
(if stupid) adult. It's your mother's job to communicate directly with him. I'd take off 2 weeks and visit your grandchildren and then get a job. If dad can drive to DD, he can drive to the store and he or your mother can ask for help with their shopping. When you get back, stop driving him.

I have had very helpful advice here, not all of which I have taken, but you need to take care of yourself right now.

And get PT for your back, or it may never be right again.

Best of luck.
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