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He has cancer. I want Nothing to do with him. Hate him. I am age 60 living in a city called Ft. Wayne. My Brother is 63 living in an apartment by himself in a small town 45min. south of me. We haven't spoken in years and can't stand the lazy, worthless sob, as since My Father died in 2009, he has done NOTHING for my Mother who is now in assisted living. Am I responsible for taking care of an older brother who is in dying health?? NO way is he living with me !!! He smokes marijuana & is not a nice person. PLEASE, help with any answers, Thanks.

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No, you are not responsible for him or to him. He is responsible for himself - his decisions and his consequences.

Are you being asked to care for him? Are you concerned because you feel guilty for not wanting to help him or worry that you will feel guilty when he passes?

Would he feel guilty if the situation was reversed and you needed help that he didn't want to give? Bet you know that answer to that question since you have been living it for a decade.

You have enough to do taking care of your mom and yourself. At most, I would make the effort for your mom to see him if she wants to. Give her a chance to say her goodbyes.

Wishing you strength as you navigate this situation.
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Reply to metoo111
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I have many friends who have disowned family members, even parents because of their toxic relationship.
Blood connection DOES NOT MEAN you are obligated to them for life. He made his choices in life and his consequence his that you WON'T be there for him.
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Reply to lafinbby
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sad he put himself in this position, but he is not your responsibility...where is the rest of HIS family?
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Reply to mommyskids
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Another vote for no, you are not responsible. You feel as you do because you have a conscience, and it is bothering you. Metoo is correct that he made his decisions, didn't plan for any eventualities and cared only for himself. Do not let him move in with you, he needs more care than you can give him even if you wanted to provide it. He can go on Medicaid and get the care and attention he needs. Is he a vet? He can check with the VA for any help. It is a difficult situation and I hope you can have peace in your heart about however much (or no) interaction you have with him.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Here's the answer to your question: No. You are not responsible for your brother.
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Reply to ArtMom58
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You are absolutely NOT "responsible" for taking care of a sibling with who you no longer have or desire to have any relationship!

I have an estranged older brother who was emotionally and financially abusive and physically threatening to my parents. He has also told me on more than one occasion he wants to smash my face or blow my brains out. My other brother believes he burned his brains out with the drugs he took in his 20s and told me decades ago there was no point in discussing any disagreements with him. At the same time, I have fond memories of my older brother from my childhood through my late 20s. When I was working my way through college and working my first job to pay back student loans, he fixed my old car every single time it had a problem, even supplying the parts. I don't want anything to do with him now, but I want to know he's OK.

So I asked myself what I would do if he had cancer and no one else to help him. Even though I have no responsibility to care for him at all, I would want to make sure he had adequate care _if_ he would allow me. I would not provide any direct care. I would want to help him get on SSD (very short approval process with terminal diagnosis), SNAP, Medicaid, Hospice, etc. I might agree to be his POA _if_ he asked, I would not offer. If he wouldn't let me help, I would probably call APS so they could give it a try.

You may not have fond memories of who your brother once was, but I suspect you do or you wouldn't be asking the question on this forum. If you decide to get involved even though he does not deserve your help, please be sure to limit your involvement and make protecting yourself and your family the top priorities.
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Reply to TNtechie
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 3, 2019
Wow! Does this ring bells for me!!!

My oldest brother was a heroin addict. In spite of it all, underneath there was a good heart. Look, at his worst, he was a monster! At his best, he was very kind, just like your brother.

I did care for him for many years. His lifestyle had caught up to him, hepatitisC. I finally had to cut him off due to him making my life hell.

When I received a call saying he was in an end of life hospice facility I did go see him. I forgave him. I was the last one with him just before he died.

It’s odd. My other brothers even though they were never addicts have cold, dark hearts. I will not have a relationship with them and at peace about that.
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No, you are not in any way responsible for him.
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Reply to Tothill
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NO.
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Reply to TekkieChikk
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Nope. You're not.

But if you didn't in some way think you were, would you be asking? And if you have a feeling of responsibility towards him, it might be worth thinking through why you have and where it comes from. Then you can either reject it or act on it as seems best to you.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Nope. Not your problem.
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Reply to Samsung137
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