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He has cancer. I want Nothing to do with him. Hate him. I am age 60 living in a city called Ft. Wayne. My Brother is 63 living in an apartment by himself in a small town 45min. south of me. We haven't spoken in years and can't stand the lazy, worthless sob, as since My Father died in 2009, he has done NOTHING for my Mother who is now in assisted living. Am I responsible for taking care of an older brother who is in dying health?? NO way is he living with me !!! He smokes marijuana & is not a nice person. PLEASE, help with any answers, Thanks.

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I am also so angry at an older brother that I cannot imagine any circumstances under which I would ever want to speak with him again. I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. Let my other siblings be more compassionate if they want to; they didn't have to go through what I did.
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Reply to Invisible
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I think that your brother hasn't reached out to you, so you don't need to worry about it.

When I was no contact with a family member and a cousin said, ya know knothead would love to talk to you. Really, then why haven't they called? I am not the one that said buzz off, but I buzzed off because that was the last thing said to me. I wasn't believing that there was a desire for reconciliation because this person was a blabbermouth and would say just anything and not mean it. Didn't hear anything for almost a year.

If he wants to reconcile then he needs to reach out and initiate the process, not use a via.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Michael, your uncle and your cousin have reached out to you in the hope of brokering a reconciliation with your brother because he is dying, and I expect they would like to see the two of you mend fences before it is too late.

The thought of it makes you angry. Your reaction to this olive branch malarkey is "get stuffed" and I can understand that. But when you've got past your first reaction to their ?suggestion ?hope ?sermon, give some thought to how you would like to have left things with your brother when it's forever.

You may feel no different, you may still think "just so long as I never have to think about him again I'm fine with that." But... maybe not. There is a very wide gap between (still quite angry) no contact at one end of the scale, and taking responsibility for his care at the other; and there is lots of room for good things like forgiveness and peace of mind in between.

If the uncle and cousin persist and it annoys you, explain to them that they don't understand the complexity of the picture and you'll think it over in your own good time - if they'd leave you in peace to do that, please.
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MICHAELMWB Dec 5, 2019
appreciate your opinions.
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Is Mom in an AL because of Demenia? If not and she is competent she can revoke brother's POA and assign you.

Stand strong. Tell family members that they can help brother your busy with a Mother he chooses not to see.
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MICHAELMWB Dec 4, 2019
THANK YOU for your opinion . Mom does not have sound mind. Brother has done nothing for his Mother and now wants sympathy ? Sorry
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If he smokes pot he should be pretty mellow most of the time. Anyway, even if he was a super nice person it is not your responsibility to take care of him, you already have your mother to see about.
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Reply to TomUs225
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The answer is ABSOLUTELY NO! It's he been like you described, he's made his lumpy bed. Now he must face the lumps. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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"Should I feel obligated or Guilty "
Neither Michael and don't let your other extented family pressure you into thinking that you should.

Make the decision that is "right for you", whether that is offering no assistance whatsoever or assisting with gettng him help from OTHER services. You need to be at peace with your own decision whatever you choose that to be.
Good luck.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 4, 2019
Amen!
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You don’t owe him anything. Why should you do something if it doesn’t come from your heart, right?

My brother was in jail for seven years. I didn’t go see him, not even once! I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him in jail. Did I feel badly for him? Yes, I did but did he deserve to be there? Yes, he did.

I had emotions that I never expected. I am thin. I can’t afford to lose weight but every time I thought of him eating slop in jail I felt guilty about having good food to eat and I would push my plate away.

It took awhile for me to be able to enjoy food after he went to jail. My husband got upset with me about not eating but he was patient and tried to understand.

My brother committed armed robbery. I was held up at gun point on my first summer job so I know how scary it is! I had the gun pointed to my heart.

Damn straight, he belonged in jail. Stealing is a crime. Bring a gun into the picture is even worse.

He was a heroin addict. Got addicted at 13. I saw things as a kid that no kid should see. He fell into peer pressure when his friend asked him to try it.

His friend was lonely and looking for an escape. His dad was a very busy doctor and never went to any games or spent any time with him.

My brother wasn’t getting along with my dad and they thought they were just going to get high.

They were kids with no drug education. No support groups. No rehab. Only a methadone clinic.

Very sad. They were good kids, just hurt and lonely. Lost, trying to figure out their place in this world.

He was on and off drugs his whole life. He was successful at one point and owned his own business.

The lure of heroin always pulled him back. His lifestyle caught up to him. He was homeless for awhile. An old man took him in. He died of HepatitisC. I took care of him. It wasn’t easy.

I did have to cut him off eventually because he became so freakin irrational at times and I simply couldn’t handle it. So don’t feel badly about not having a relationship with your brother.

I did go to the end of life hospice facility and I forgave him. I asked him to forgive me for any time that I hurt him.

I did love him as my brother but I hated the junkie. I was the last one with him seconds before he died.

Of all my brothers though he looked out for me the most, played games with me, was very kind at times. My other brothers who did not do drugs were not so nice.

I know that I could never stick a needle in my arm no matter how bad life was. Seeing him overdose was terrifying.

It’s hard, isn’t it? It gets complicated, doesn’t it? Family relationships can become very difficult.

Follow your heart. If something doesn’t come from your heart you shouldn’t do it. Others may agree or disagree. That is what is right for me though.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Is he asking for assistance? Or are you simply anticipating a request? It does not sound as if he has asked (we haven't spoken in years). Did you consider that, just maybe, he does not want to have anything to do with you either? In which case leave it alone until he asks. Just have your reasons ready - you are not in a position to assist him physically or financially. Other than that, you do not need to explain yourself and it does not open up old grievances. In Australia we have social workers in hospitals to help iron out issues for patients such as your brother. If you have similar, simply direct him to that person. No one can make you look after your brother. They might try to guilt you into it, but stay strong!
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Michael, can you respond by tell us the reason u asked this question? Is someone pressuring you? Is there an agency involved?
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MICHAELMWB Dec 3, 2019
Thank you for your help. I have had a cousin & an Uncle reach out to me saying how I should reach out and be a Loving caring sibling.

My Brother IS POA over My Mother and has DONE NOTHING to help her with Love ^ support or  fulfill his duties as POA and does not visit or do ANYTHING. 

He has NOT spoken to me OVER 10-years and is a lazy, irresponsible, Un-caring, person who ONLY cares about himself and sits around smoking dope at age 63.  I am a successful, retired USAF Retired Veteran, and My Relatives, Think I should all of a sudden be a kind caring Brother to an older Brother who has NEVER been Nice to me and has NEVER been Nice to his aging Mother who is now dying of cancer ?
Should I feel obligated or Guilty ?
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You are absolutely NOT "responsible" for taking care of a sibling with who you no longer have or desire to have any relationship!

I have an estranged older brother who was emotionally and financially abusive and physically threatening to my parents. He has also told me on more than one occasion he wants to smash my face or blow my brains out. My other brother believes he burned his brains out with the drugs he took in his 20s and told me decades ago there was no point in discussing any disagreements with him. At the same time, I have fond memories of my older brother from my childhood through my late 20s. When I was working my way through college and working my first job to pay back student loans, he fixed my old car every single time it had a problem, even supplying the parts. I don't want anything to do with him now, but I want to know he's OK.

So I asked myself what I would do if he had cancer and no one else to help him. Even though I have no responsibility to care for him at all, I would want to make sure he had adequate care _if_ he would allow me. I would not provide any direct care. I would want to help him get on SSD (very short approval process with terminal diagnosis), SNAP, Medicaid, Hospice, etc. I might agree to be his POA _if_ he asked, I would not offer. If he wouldn't let me help, I would probably call APS so they could give it a try.

You may not have fond memories of who your brother once was, but I suspect you do or you wouldn't be asking the question on this forum. If you decide to get involved even though he does not deserve your help, please be sure to limit your involvement and make protecting yourself and your family the top priorities.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 3, 2019
Wow! Does this ring bells for me!!!

My oldest brother was a heroin addict. In spite of it all, underneath there was a good heart. Look, at his worst, he was a monster! At his best, he was very kind, just like your brother.

I did care for him for many years. His lifestyle had caught up to him, hepatitisC. I finally had to cut him off due to him making my life hell.

When I received a call saying he was in an end of life hospice facility I did go see him. I forgave him. I was the last one with him just before he died.

It’s odd. My other brothers even though they were never addicts have cold, dark hearts. I will not have a relationship with them and at peace about that.
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Just read this question again and thought, I get along with my brothers and wouldn't physically care for them. Help them find resources, probably.

I am the oldest by 7 and 11 years. Since neither went out of their way for Mom, I don't see them ever considering caring for me. TG we all have family. So my brothers' care will be in the hands of a wife or their children.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Why would you even think you could be responsible for your sibling.

NO. You are responsible for taking care of YOU.
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Reply to RayLinStephens
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Absolutely NOT..He needs a POA though, Someone who is Willing to take over his Affairs or to Be in a Cancer Care Unit, If really Bad, Or Protective Elderly Services will Intervene.xx
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Reply to Parise
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sad he put himself in this position, but he is not your responsibility...where is the rest of HIS family?
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Reply to mommyskids
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Nope. Not your problem.
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Reply to Samsung137
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Nope. You're not.

But if you didn't in some way think you were, would you be asking? And if you have a feeling of responsibility towards him, it might be worth thinking through why you have and where it comes from. Then you can either reject it or act on it as seems best to you.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Nope!
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Reply to Pamble1958
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NO.
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Reply to TekkieChikk
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While I can’t be your conscience, I understand the family dynamics. I too have resentment toward family members and siblings. I’ve had my Mother with me for 20 years and none of them have felt compelled to help me in anyway. Unfortunately, some people live their lives in such a way that they are now forced to reap what they have sewed. Also, given your relationship with your brother it wouldn’t be a good solution to his dilemma anyway. Just my opinion.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 3, 2019
Totally agree with you.
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Why do you feel like that is even on the table?  Is he asking you to take care of him?  Is your mom asking you to take care of him?  He is his own person.  Does he not have anyone else in his life?  Wife...kids...friends...?  He is not your problem. Hopefully you're not inserting yourself into the situation....  If he called you to tell you that he has cancer, maybe he was just doing that because you are his sibling and he thought you should know.  I wouldn't take it as a request for care.
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Reply to Jamesj
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No.
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Reply to cetude
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I have many friends who have disowned family members, even parents because of their toxic relationship.
Blood connection DOES NOT MEAN you are obligated to them for life. He made his choices in life and his consequence his that you WON'T be there for him.
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Reply to lafinbby
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Here's the answer to your question: No. You are not responsible for your brother.
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Reply to ArtMom58
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You are not responsible for your brother.
Ppeople may try to make you feel like you are, but don't let that bother you.
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Reply to Merrij
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No. Of course you aren't. Why would you "take care of" someone you dislike? I don't care about the accidents of birth. To me that is not what makes family. Witness those adopted who are loved as though there was the direct blood connection. In your case the opposite is the case. Get on with your life. If he writes or asks tell him that you hope he has a caring network of friends to help him, but that your own feelings about him are unchanged; you hope he will do as well as he is able given his health issues, but you cannot help him. Period. And signed as lovingly as you would for a total stranger who is suffering, for that is truly what he is to you. Make quality relationships and treasure and nurture them. THAT is your family.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Who is making you feel that you need to care for him? Mom?

I, too, think u have enough on your plate. Even though Mom is in AL there are still things you need to do for her. UR probably POA so handling what you need to.

I think if brother needs help there are people who can do that for him. No, you don't have to allow him to live with you. If its someone other than Mom trying to push this on you, say sorry, ur estranged for a reason. You have enough on ur plate. Brother is going to have to figure it out for himself.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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The bottom line of this situation is you and your brother would be miserable if you are for him.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Why would you feel as if you are responsible for him? No, you don’t owe him anything.

Is anyone asking you to be responsible for him? Even if someone is, just say you have no intention of helping him.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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No, you are not in any way responsible for him.
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