What do you do when you visit a loved one in memory care?

Question

What do you do when you visit a loved one in memory care?

Follow

Share

I'm visiting my mother either tomorrow or this weekend and she has only been in a memory care a week. I'm desperate to see her and give her a hug, but I'm also worried about being able to control my emotions, especially when I have to leave. Any thoughts on what to do when visiting?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Grief Memory Care Mental Health

26 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

See if you can be friendly w/the other chilldren, siblings, or spouses w/loved ones there. You'll be able to support them when they need it and you'll be able to support them when they need it. They, more than anyone else, understand what you're going through. I'm still friends w/a couple of women I met there and our spouses have been deceased for years (them for about 6 and 5 years, respectively, and me 3 years, 3 months.

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to swmckeown76

Report

Hope you had a wonderful visit. It really all depends on where your Mom is at in her progression. It really is very different for each and every person. Just talk about your day and what ever she might bring up as long as it’s a happy place if it not just steer the conversation to something else. If she able take her for a walk to the garden or a push in a chair. I bring old photo albums and walk down memory lane and when looking at pictures name the people and laugh about that place and time. You could sing a song while brushing her hair or rubbing lotion on her hands arms and legs. Bring one of her favorite foods and share a meal with her. Most of all be yourself and keep it lite. Every moment you share with your family member really matters to go often they may not be able to show it but it makes all the difference for them.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to Jennytrying

Report

If I were you, I would be authentic and trust my feelings.
It is okay to feel sad and grieve (while) you give her a hug, hold her hand, tell her you love her. If you feel you are going to start crying, and unable to stop, then I would leave for a few minutes to regroup.

You want to balance being real and connect with her with a desire/awareness to have her 'enjoy' the visit (not be more sad and/or crying with you than enjoying the connection ... and since this is a new situation, you'll need to see how things go).

As you need, take breaks (1-2 minutes then go back in the room).
Rely on staff (manager, administrator) to support you.
Perhaps talk to them before you meet with your mom.

- Trust your instincts.
- Show her you love her (smile, hold hands, possibly give her a hand or foot massage).
- Bring flowers and focus on enjoying them with her.
- As you need to RE-focus your attention in the room, i.e., 'there are some very nice people here," ... "you look very nice today in your (color) clothes (blouse, sweater)," ... if you can / visit outside in a garden area, comment on the gardening, sunshine, birds singing. Re-direct your focus from making eye contact and smiling with finding positives to mention.

Have a plan ready for when you leave.
This is a very heartfelt emotionally and psychologically difficult time for you. If you feel you need or want support after the visit, plan to have a friend, family member meet you and perhaps go out for lunch.

Take care of yourself.

Gena / Touch Matters

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to TouchMatters

Report

tbevan25: Keep the conversation light.

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to Llamalover47

Report

Keep talking about anything she has memories of. My Mom was in memory care. Until she passed last week.
tell your Mom about your day, what is going on outside the facility, how any children or grand children, if any are doing.
speak about plans you have and let your Mom know you are only a phone call away if she needs you.

Helpful Answer (4)

Reply to Mek4978554

Report

Sorry for your loss. While you go through all the final arrangements, grieve for yourself and not for her as she's in good hands now. You'll cherish those visits, I know that!

(2)

Report

Hi, I have one in Memory care. Try not to get emotional. I ask the aides to tell me about what periods of time that she sounds like she is in in her past life and try to communicate with her in her period of time and try to make sure that you understand where she is coming from. My sister wants to marry Elvis...I tell her how busy he is and it may be awhile. Things like this are normally basically harmless and you might mention to the aides what you heard and said so they can help adjust. Good Luck and try to enjoy your visit.

Helpful Answer (2)

Reply to PandaKing

Report

tbevan25, I hope your first visit with mom went well. Please let us know. I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner. You've come to the right place for folks who understand what you are experiencing.

A week or so ago I found videos on YouTube by @JohnvanGurp called "John and Heather's Dementia Journey." I'm not sure the date his wife went into Memory Care, but it has been within the last month. He expresses himself so well -- and is so relatable.

I think his wife was diagnosed about three years ago (still trying to catch up on all his videoas) and he has honestly documented everything, the ups and downs and in-betweens. You might want to start watching his "shorts" from the last few weeks to get ideas about what to do when you visit your mom. He's been an amazing caregiver and is now transitioning to companion. But he shares all the emotions that he feels each day. It has been helpful to me even though my spouse died before we had to puruse MC.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to graygrammie

Report

try to get your emotions under control before you go. In the beginning of sometimes wore my sunglasses in case I couldn’t help crying.

Bring a treat, I always bring my dad a jelly donut when I visit. Have some old pictures on your phone that you can talk about.

It’s hard but your mom is where she needs to be now.

Helpful Answer (4)

Reply to Hothouseflower

Report

I think it hurts but the most important thing to remember is that she's safe and cared for. Be happy about this and you'll get through it! On occasion, surprise her with things she likes. Oh, that felt good to see her smile! Take out pizza, ice cream and movies she loves! Of course, either I or the staff had to work the DVD player, I left instructions on a dry erase board on how to switch the TV to DVD and back again. Some may be having difficulty adjusting in the first couple of weeks, just keep admiring how nice her new place is! I always told mom she was royalty with the treatment she was getting!

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to JuliaH

Report

When we visit our mom in memory care at least every week sometimes more often we bring her favorite food to her... Whataburger... for all of us in her room for privacy. We talk... we watch one of her favorite TV shows like Bones or NCIS and share memories. It is physically and mentally exhausting but well worth it. They are our parents.

Helpful Answer (5)

Reply to Tina2010

Report

I used to refer to it as a long miserable drive for a short miserable visit. But it really was better when my mother moved into memory care rather than in the assisted living side. She did much better when she was forced into the more community setting, rather than staying in her assisted living apartment by herself. The staff were absolutely wonderful, patient, kind, and thoughtful.

Sometimes I took her for a walk around the assisted living part of the place to visit people she knew there, which really worked better for them than for her, to get to see her again. Best results were when I brought a very old photo album from when she was a child, with pics of relatives from long ago.

Helpful Answer (3)

Reply to Goddatter

Report

I always felt that my wife adjusted to her new environment but announcement that your leaving was very hard on both of us so I always left when she went to a meal.
It always made both of us feel better to offer hugs for "any" reason. She loved them and that made them worthwhile for me.
Even when she didn't recognize me, she enjoyed the hugs.
She's in a different world and you must always remember that she not the same person you once knew.

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to DaveG6235

Report

Hub is in MC now 18 mo with TBI and now Alzheimer’s . I visit at least every Tue and Thurs usually at lunch , bring him special treats and try to keep him sitting long enough to eat. He then gets up and walks . If I’m lucky I can show him pics on my phone or play his fav songs that I down loaded to stretch meal time and interact with me. After lunch if not walking he watches Gunsmoke in TV area . I tuck an extra snack in his pocket ,tell him I love him give him a kiss and say going to finish laundry I’ll see you in a while. As soon as I’m out of sight he doesn’t even know I’ve been there. Sometimes when I walk in he smiles and says there you are but he does that to just about everyone. Rarely is he participating in activities but on rare occasion I can get him into the “concerts” or a movie enticed again by their snacks. He’s always pleasant and appears happy but it’s a sad existence and I learned early that going daily made no difference for him but was not healthy for me. Counseling helps and sometimes I go extra days but I now have to take time for me as this is my reality that one day will end … some may try to make you feel guilty you aren’t there more but they aren’t walking in my shoes and I wouldn’t wish this journey for anyone. So I blast the radio on they way there singing the fun oldies , walking in with a spring in my step and a big smile on my face … I stay about an hour …. It seems longer but I’m lucky if he lasts that long..it truly is all about making memories and I encourage all my fam and friends to do just that before it’s too late❤️I have mine and I’m so thankful I do….

Helpful Answer (9)

Reply to Db2024

Report

My father has been in MC for about 12 months. I go 1X a week. My brother goes 2-3X per week. I have POA for him. Sometimes I just sit there and be with him, and if he snoozes, frankly play on my phone. At first he wanted to go home with us but we say you live here now and then redirect - hey, let's see what's for dinner. Sometimes I sit there and hold his hand. Many times I talk a bit to other residents. My dad almost always asks about his brother, as in have you seen him lately. We say unemotionally, he has passed. Again redirect. One big thing is to get eyes on what is happening. Check out his room, see what the staff is doing. Get to to know the staff - they are wonderful at my dad's MC. You have to get to the point where you realize it is the best place for them. There is no way my brother or I could have him at home and take as good care of him. Fortunately, at my step-mothers urging a few years ago, before dementia, he updated his estate planning. The POA has been invaluable is letting me handle all this. If you do get emotional, find out from the staff later how she was after you left. Likely she got over it fairly quickly. Best to you and your mother. It's very difficult.

Helpful Answer (6)

Reply to JR2555

Report

Bring Comfort Items: Consider bringing personal items that may comfort her such as a favorite blanket or stuffed animal, or familiar photographs.

Prepare some activities or topics to engage her. Simple games, crafts, or looking at family photos can be effective.

my dads not in care-at home but when my sister visits she gives him a hand a foot massage with sone nice oils/cream- he loves it
sitting watching tv and discussing the show can sometimes work depends on your mothers prior interests
I guess just don’t overload
that’s for you and your mother
remember it can be heavy to cope with - reach out to support groups/counselling if you need it

my sister always closes with I’m going but I’ll see you soon
and just engages with dad - Ben g present without overloading
best

Helpful Answer (2)

Reply to Jenny10

Report

I visited my mom daily
She saw me cry all the time. She saw every emotion just like it was when I was growing up. Be yourself, just try not to get your feelings hurt when your mom says something offensive. Your mom is not the same mother you had in the past, but she is still your mother.

Helpful Answer (3)

Reply to Onlychild2024

Report

My mom was in an MC for a looooong time. I found the best times to visit were either before lunch ( or any meal ), or, during lunch or another meal. The meal would act either as a smooth transition for me to leave, or as the activity itself. A lot also depends on the person’s cognitive and physical level. But for what it’s worth;

- I didn’t have luck w/photo albums, if anything they made mom confused and me sad! That was us, though
- Pleasant picture books were great. I’d flip through pages of lovely English villages and gardens, it was calming for us both
- Looking at bird feeders/nature/clouds/flowers etc …outside if possible or through a window.
- Wrapping up needed items like socks, pants, shirts, whatever supply was required, in colorful tissue paper and a big bag and having mom open it. This worked great as it took time and made mundane supplies festive!
- If I lucked into showing up during an activity she was participating in, ( rare ) I jumped in .
- As mentioned, meals together. To get mom to drink more I kept making up toasts with her and our usual MC companion at the table.
- And my favorite; bringing a ukelele. I figured nobody can get agitated at a ukelele. With only 3 simple chords you can make up songs on the fly. I’d hold mini ‘concerts’ for her, asking what she’s like the song to be about. Id’ whistle or make up words. This is how some great hits came about, such as, “ I Don’t Know What to Make This Song About, “, “ Where Do I Park the Car Today “, “ There’s So Much Paper”, “Lunch Will Happen Soon”, you get the idea. The ukelele sort of saved my sanity the last year, to be honest.

Excuse long reply, but mom was in MC for 4 years so it was a real marathon. Full confession; every single visit I felt absolutely awful. When I was visiting I put on a happy performance, not to be a martyr but because a good vibe benefits everyone in those places. I would literally scream and shout to the radio driving over, and then often cry in the car and also shout to the radio afterwards. That’s how I got through it. Not with any grace I must add, but I got through and the visits were fairly feel-good for the most part.

Truly wishing you the best!

Helpful Answer (24)

Reply to Madisoncuckoo7

Report

Our moms sound so similar! Thank you for this reply! You gave me some ideas too!

(0)

Report

Watch TV together in their room. Choose light entertainment or something heartwarming like Little House on the Prairie. This gives something to talk about. Don’t focus on trying to make memories or show them pix of the past in order to stimulate memories. In my experience it’s a waste of time. Eat a meal with them there instead of sitting and visiting, then go home. Meet them on their level rather than expecting them to meet on yours.

Helpful Answer (9)

Reply to Fawnby

Report

You do the same things you ever did. Chat? Play games if she's able? Stroll and look at the flowers coming out now in spring? Make a scrapbook?

You aren't responsible for happiness now.
Happiness isn't the goal and won't be happening.
This isn't a happy time.
This isn't a time with choices. If your mom weeps and begs then why would you not weep with her and sympathize with her losses.

The only way to walk through tough times is to put one foot in front of the other and walk it. I am so sorry. You are so sorry. SHE is so sorry. THAT --NONE OF THAT--changes a thing. Bring her a candy bar she loves. Bring her a picture book. Bring her a stuffed cat or bear. Bring her yourself and your love.

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to AlvaDeer

Report

Thank you for your response to her question…I so needed to hear it. Happiness is fleeting— if it happens at all. I know things won’t get better, but we go on, and survive.

(0)

Report

Visiting mom in Memory Care is like nothing else on earth, as is the whole experience of dealing with dementia. Nothing else compares to what we go through during these visits, and the dread we feel beforehand. It's a good idea to leave right before you settle her into a meal or an activity, or visit with her in the outdoor area if there is one. My mom's MC had a beautiful outdoor garden the residents could visit anytime they wanted to, it was secure. Dropping her off at an activity is a distraction for you as much as it is for her. It'll keep you from falling apart if you're on the verge. But, if you do wind up being emotional, so what? You're entitled to your feelings as she is to hers. You feel badly for her disease, as you wish she were happier, healthier and in better spirits overall. My mother was constantly griping, complaining, or begging me to let her parents and siblings out of the closets I was hiding them in. Trust me there were many times I wanted to cry myself, and did on the way home in the car. We're human and this is all very difficult.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Keep us updated and let us know how it all works out.

Helpful Answer (6)

Reply to lealonnie1

Report

Tb, when your ready, to visit, you really just gotta suck it up. I know it's hard, my mil was in hospital, cancer and she didn't yet know it, I was 35, 4 young kids home and I just took a deep breath, smiled walked in the room. Smiled , walked out and lost it. Ya just gotta do what's best. Mil died , within 2 or 3 days after that. It was the right thing to do, and so glad I held it together, to see her one last time

Helpful Answer (6)

Reply to Drivingdaisy

Report

Keep it low key.
When you arrive greet her like you would if she were still at home.
As difficult as it is when you leave do not make a big deal of leaving.
Give her a kiss say "I will see you later" and leave.
If she begins to get upset as you are leaving try to get her involved with an activity then quietly slip away.
Then when you get to the car you can break down and cry.

Helpful Answer (6)

Reply to Grandma1954

Report

You do whatever you would do when you visited her at her home. Talk, read to her if she can no longer read, listen to music, share a favorite treat, take her outside weather permitting, as all memory cares have at least an outdoor patio and just be there for her.
And of course it's best if you at least wait until you're away from her before you break down and cry as you certainly don't want to upset her in any way.
I'm sure she will be happy to see you, so just try and enjoy your time with her.

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to funkygrandma59

Report

Why are you worried about becoming emotional ? Is Mom not adjusting well ?

If Mom is not adjusting well , perhaps wait another week .

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to waytomisery

Report

I agree that the best strategy would be to leave while you are together at a meal or activity. The aids will help you exit smoothly -- you can let them know this is your plan and they can come over and fuss over her while you say your goodbyes.

I just visited a long-time friend of mine in her new-ish MC facility. I asked her to give me tour, then stayed for a meal. I showed her pics on my phone and made sure to divert the conversation away from anything that fed into her paranoia or negativity (she has the anger-tainment news on constantly and the first thing she did when I walked into her room was to point at it and say breathlessly, "Have you heard of all the awful things going on?!?" To which I replied, "There have been awful things going on since the beginning of time, but I'm here to be with you so let me shut that off for you because I can't here you well with it on." And then we went on to have a very pleasant visit.

Helpful Answer (6)

Reply to Geaton777

Report

I've often advised that it can be easier to share a meal together or accompany someone to an activity (bonus there is that can do double duty if they are reluctant to join in), that way there isn't as much pressure to make conversation plus there is an obvious end point.

Helpful Answer (9)

Reply to cwillie

Report

What do you do when you visit a loved one in memory care?

26 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions