I am really struggling with the grief and anxiety over my aging parents. My mom is a completely different person, i am fairly confident she has some form of dementia. She has been extremely violent and abusive towards my father, neither seek help, he refuses help. Im anxious every single day for a pop over visit in which he tells me all sorts of horrible things she is doing, yet refuses to get help. This anxiety is impacting my daily life, my marriage and parenting to my teen sons. yet, I feel such guilt as though Ive abandoned people I love. I cannot even deal with my siblings at the moment because Im not sure how to process and move forward. I al in therapy, but I feel like Im just struggling with acceptance. And that gives me a very stuck feeling. Any advice from others who have experienced this is greatly appreciated.
Be prepared. Start thinking about how you will want to handle your parents’ situations forward. Mom might need memory care. Dad might need live in help. Start doing your homework so that you can transition to the next step. Find facilities. Put your mother on the waiting list. Look for caregivers for your dad. You will feel better mentally if you start acting on these things.
Accept the fact there is little you can do right now. Let them drive the bus and wait for THE CALL.
And don’t feel guilty, you did not cause their situation.
A couple of things to think about here.
You mention guilt.
That's inappropriate, and you repeating the word is forming a self-harming path deep in your brain. Guilt requires causation. You did not create aging, with its inexorable losses and pain. And you cannot fix it. Change out your words. You are NOT experiencing guilt because it is already clear to you that you are suffering, helpless and hopeless in this. What you are experiencing is the other G-word which is GRIEF. Grief at all the pain and loss and confusion. Grief that you aren't a Saint and aren't God and can't fix it.
Another word to explore is "responsibility". Again, you can't fix this. And taking on responsibility for the happiness, hope, health, contentment of someone else? AGAIN, you are not god. You aren't a Saint. And it's a bad job description. We martyr Saint, we then pray to then to fix stuff for us, and we are furious when they don't. You don't WANT sainthood. You are a human with limitations. Your parent, when you move out of the "darling daughter" role, will be FURIOUS with your interference on his/her behalf. Will accuse you of taking over their lives and being the CAUSE of their unhappiness.
There is no happy in the aging process. There's only getting through the best you can.
My heart goes out to you. Remember, you didn't DO this and you can't FIX this. You are as sorry as anyone else to stand witness helplessly to the losses before you. Cut yourself some SLACK. Do it now. Have a good weep, and good glass of wine (one). Practice the serenity prayer, says this atheist. Sometimes it is all that can get you through a bad weather system.
This entire response…. Just thank you!
You have not abandoned anyone that you love. You've got to take care of yourself first. Everyone deserves a break.
Back way off. Stop the daily pop ins.
Accept that they do not want help.
Take off a month. Enjoy your husband and teen sons.
Don't say anything to your parents. Don't say anything to your siblings. Just don't show up for a month. Let the chips fall where they fall.
My Dad passed out drunk in the middle of the afternoon at the country club parking lot. Eventually someone found him and called an ambulance. He was sent to the ER. He called one of Mom's caregivers to release him from the ER. The caregiver picked him up from the ER. He started drinking again when he got back to the house. (Caregiver told me all of this.) I backed way off after this incident. The dynamics were weird and I could no longer deal with it.
Take care of your self first. When you fly on an airplane the instructions are you put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others.
Whatever your parents have been like in the past, they're being selfish now. At least your dad is; it sounds as if your mum has some form of cognitive decline and cannot control her behaviour.
Thinking that you can be the answer to all their problems is not being considerate or respectful to you.
Remember that next time the demands come, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty when you say, "No".
You cannot control how other people behave, only your reactions to them. It's time to start controlling your reactions.
Take responsibility for yourself and your family - the one you created - not the one you left behind when you grew up.
You have done your duty by them - you have told them which outside agencies to ask for help. It's not your problem that they refuse to act.
Stop visiting and calling so much. If it helps, turn your guilt around - feel guilty when you're not present for your son and husband, not your mum and dad.
(Actually, you shouldn't feel guilty, but I want you to look at this from a different perspective.)
Wishing you all the best.
Limit phone calls as well .
Depending on the situation , call the police for violence or a wellness check .
You can also call the County Area Agency of Aging , to get your parents on their radar . They will send a social worker out to speak with them . When I did this for my mother who had dementia and was driving me crazy ……the social worker told me to “ Stop helping , let her fail “ . She was deemed unsafe to live alone. This is how I got Mom out of the house and placed in AL . The dynamic changes when dementia shows up . You are grieving who these people used to be , and dealing with the people they now are .
Don’t ruin your own mental health , marriage etc . Your kids also deserve a normal childhood .
My only living aunt now is a different story. She has undiagnosed dementia. She hasn't been diagnosed because she refuses and she's in denial of her condition.
She was once my favorite aunt. She has turned into a completely different person. I don't recognize or know who she is anymore. The last time I spoke to her, she was so vile towards me. My aunt that I remembered, while she didn't take any mess, she always had a soft spot for me. I used to call her all of the time and send her gifts and we would laugh and talk all of the time.
Now we don't speak at all. She pretty much told me to never call her again. Folks told me it was the dementia and to ignore it. I tried, but she just wouldn't pick up the phone. She's gotten very mean towards me because I dropped POA. I do miss the old aunt I had and grieve for her, even though she's still here. I have been wanting to visit her, but the condition of her house isn't sanitary.
I have been moving on with my life, but I like to come here and read and learn what others have experienced or are experiencing and offer my experience, as well.
It's tough and it does change the family relationships drastically.
A few years back, it was clear my dad was developing dementia and my mom was in denial that it could be happening. Though she complained nonstop about him. Eventually it reached the state where I knew he had to be diagnosed for the following reasons:
- driving accidents and getting lost. He could have been sued for everything and left them without a roof over their heads
- crazy mismanagement of money which was endangering both of their safety.
- crazy behavior which lost him his job and was close to getting police involved. He was also damaging the house and property in the middle of the night. He needed meds to calm that all down. And after some trial and error, we got him on the right ones.
so i convinced her to get him diagnosed and arranged it all and got him on meds, took away the license, car keys, sold the car, got him declared incompetent and took away his ability to log into his retirement accounts and canceled his credit cards.
All Very Hard.
Before, during, and after I struggled with what was “right” and I was also in therapy. My mom yelled at my dad a lot and while she got somewhat better at understanding he was no longer the person she had married and lived with for 50 years, she did not treat him or care for him as I would have wished.
I also struggled with things like do I make him go to the doctor.
He passed almost a year ago and now I sometimes struggle with similar questions about my mom and how she lives. But after therapy and a lot of experience, I am considerably better at it.
Can you make a list of when to absolutely intervene? Like if she physically hurt him and he had a broken bone or was gushing blood, you would call 911 or take him to the hospital, right? Whether he complained or not. And from there you could start arranging for her to be diagnosed and put into care.
What if there was no food in the house? You would probably do something. Or if she had wild animals parading through the house.
With other stuff, let’s say poor hygiene or she yells that she hates him. Very unpleasant, but maybe not life threatening. If you have decided not to intervene, then limit your exposure. Pretend they are not your parents. Tell yourself this is their choice.
keep us updated!
I think the hardest part too is neither if them doing anything to help themselves. To not take advantage of resources but have zero issues dumping on us kids, as id we have no other stressors in our lives. I don’t say that ti be dismissive of their issues but, we aren’t qualified to deal with what is happening on a professional level. And then to seek no help… I get he is scared and I have no doubt my mom is too, but i’d be lying if I didn’t say it is extremely irritating that while they seek no help they have zero issues dumping it onto their kids.
You're entitled to your anxiety! It is a natural reaction to what you're going through. What can you do to make this easier on you? Your parents aren't going to change, so you need to.
Stop going to see them every day. Plus realize that what they tell you about anything may NOT be true. Dementia patients confabulate a lot. However, if you really believe that they are hurting each other, or even not hurting each other but engaging in violent behavior, you must inform the police. This would set off a series of actions, for instance social workers getting involved and a medical diagnosis for your mom.
If you talk to them on the phone a lot, don't. Your marriage and sons deserve your time. Treat them as the most important thing going on in your life, not mom and dad.
Elders should have an eldercare plan in place before they get to the stage where your parents are now. Yours apparently don't. Their problem, not yours! Back off and let siblings do more. And you don't have to take phone calls from any of thie aforementioned people. Time to concentrate on your own mental health so you can take care of your boys. Good luck in easing off and staying mentally well.
i never felt this anxious all the time untik stuff got bas, having said that, my family if origin is almost the only thing that I feel anxious about so clearly there is some additional level if dysfunction from before all this occurred and now it’s worse