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My almost 93 year old father is in a care home. I have written on profile he has dementia. I believed this was the case at that time. The care home had doctor in to see him due to some unreasonable behaviour. He answered all questions correctly with no confusion. I have spoken to staff who say he's slightly confused at times but fine most of the time. He is compliant with them and does not lie to them. I also have a friend who visits him. I asked her to question him to test his memory. She thinks he seems quite sharp.


Every time I visit I get some tall story. They get more bizarre every time.. I have been trying to just agree but it's becoming very annoying.


He hates the limitations of care facility and keeps telling me he's getting out. According to him there have been farewell parties for him.


He has struck up a friendship with a woman . She has dementia which is quite obvious. One of the staff told me my Father and the lady were sitting together in corridor. Each time she passed the lady friend was lifting her top and flashing boobs. My Father sat and laughed. I just thought oh no I hope he's not telling her to do this. Surely if you care for someone you would try to stop them doing this. Also when this lady sits in public area herself or with other friends I have never seen her flashing. He is very manipulative and controlling. He will lie or do anything to get his own way. She is a vulnerable person. Do I raise my concern? Feel sick at the thought of this. Advice please.




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Dear Patience, you probably know that there are complex issues about sex and the elderly. The problem with your father is not whether they are having sex, but about the lady's dementia which is being exploited. The complexity increases with the argument that (dementia or not) the close personal contact is good for all including the elderly, and that it may be doing her some good and giving her pleasure. My dreadful father was laughing and bragging about it, the exploitation was obvious. Thank God he's dead. Is your father that bad? Good luck in negotiating this mine field.
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Onset of dementia does not make a person incompetent. There can be years until the determination of incompetence can be made. Doc's would have had to document incompetence and that he is not capable of making his own decisions.
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Let the facility deal with it, you stay out of it.

If dad is considered competent why is he in memory care? Are you sure your POA is activated? Read it, it may require that dad be incompetent before giving you any power. How did he even get admitted to this place?
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Patience13 Jan 20, 2019
My power of attorney has definitely been activated. 2 doctors stated 2 years ago he had onset of dementia. Latest doctor to see him said he has not cause he could answer all her questions.
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Update on this sad story

The head nurse in facility spoke to me as my Father was caught in bed with this lady, both with clothing off. They don't think full sex this time but know it's heading that way. The lady's family and I have been informed. I explained all my concerns and they are supportive and want to stop this.The facility is large enough to split them up. Having a meeting as they wish us involved in outcome.
They have established my Father does not have dementia but doctor believes he may have frontal lobal condition as well as cognitive decline. I personally think he knows what he's doing.
Should I let him know I am aware of situation and there will be consequences.
Advice appreciated
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rocketjcat Jan 21, 2019
I would suggest to move your fathers room to another floor far away from this woman. She shouldn’t have to move or be disrupted and she can be told that your father “went home” or somesuch so she won’t look for him. If he doesn’t have dementia, just curious if he’s mobile enough to try to seek her out, or would he turn his attention to someone else? I would try to get out in front of this behavior and be very proactive...honestly I’m surprised that her family isn’t treating this as molestation of a vulnerable person. She may be a willing participant, but due to her dementia she can’t really “consent” ...much like a minor...and to me this is abusive. If these folks have enough discretionary time to “hook up” to the extent they can get to her room, get clothes off and get into bed without staff noticing, they are not being monitored sufficiently and I would make sure the facility knows that must change before any authorities or state regulators are notified by the ladies family.
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My dreadful father got himself into three month subsidised respite care in another state. Nothing wrong with him except laziness and an ability to work the system. He bragged to me (afterwards) that he had regular sex with an elderly resident who had dementia and didn’t remember it the next morning. Eventually the lady’s family discovered and removed her. Throwing out my father would have been more appropriate. Yes, talk to management. Nasty, manipulative, controlling, charming when it suits – yes it does happen. On second thoughts, is this an attempt by him to get thrown out? Be prepared!
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Patience13 Jan 14, 2019
Yes margaretmcken I do think he's trying to get put out.
I had words with him. Told him I knew bad behavior was a ploy to get out and no matter what he does there are ways to deal with it and he is not getting out. He replied that he can leave any time he wishes. Explained if he tries he will go straight back ( I have power of attorney for his care)
For once he was speechless but I left at that point. Knew he was furious. Wants it all his way.
Thanks for info
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Thank you. He has already been moved to a different wing but not working. The member of staff did intervene and try to stop her. If they try to move the lady away she goes mad. He sits and laughs as she fights with them.Could be more manipulation from him.
Problem is my Father behaves very well for staff. Do not think they for a minute believe he could be setting up the problems.
Think I will speak to nursing manager.
They are aware of situation and monitoring it at present.
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Did the staff member just walk past this flashing episode without intervening? If so I don’t think this behavior should be condoned or ignored by the staff. I would talk to the nursing supervisor for ways to minimize or mitigate it. You may be just kicking the can down the road, but in the short term I would suggest trying to split up your dad and the lady friend, maybe moving to different floors or different wings? I know this is sickening for you, but can you imagine how the lady’s family would feel if they walked into this?
Theres a “gentleman” at Moms NH who says leud things to some of the residents, especially one lady. He is watched very closely by the staff and any one-on-one interaction with any of the ladies is quickly halted and separated. They’ve even put a caution tape across her doorway at night so her can’t enter. I’m glad that you seem to want to get out in front of this behavior proactively, this gentleman’s family ignores it. And yes, I would talk to his doctor about the behavior, including the delusions about parties etc.
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