How can I address concerns at the NH without coming across like a witch?

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My sister expressed some concern that my encounters with the Nursing Home staff are going to have them running for cover. I honestly don't set out to be confrontational, but it seems like every time I have a question instead of a simple reply I get some variation on "this is the way it's done, trust us". While I can't fault the quality of mom's basic daily care I have seem with my own eyes that I can't trust them in some areas, so I get drawn into a discussion that quickly becomes confrontational. Adding to the problem is the total lack of a space to ask my questions in private, pretty much everyone from the doctor on down seems to conduct their business in the hallway (not really surprising as the only office space available is on another floor). They clearly are not used to being questioned and immediately get defensive, I feel as though I have to justify my concerns and push back, how can I stop this dysfunctional cycle??

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You are standing up for the rights of someone you love dearly. The Nurses or Carers don't have the same connections as you. They are just doing their job and, some of them need to be questioned on some of it. Just carry on, keep questioning anything that you don't agree with, or don't understand. I have been through this type of thing myself with my mother when she had her stroke. Don't worry about your their reactions, you are speaking for your Mother. Sadly, my mother died 4 months later, but I am glad I kept defending her and queried anything I thought was wrong. After all, the Staff meant nothing to me personally. Few of them showed a caring side to them., and my mother was unable to make enquiries or to stand up for herself.
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And Send, it's all in how you speak up. They can't 86 you for caring.
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I agree with send - don't give them their excuse for not doing their job - especially do not open with it when you are going to follow with the issue you are concerned about. It's like saying "here's my list of circumstances of when it's okay for you not to treat my mother well or not do your job".
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It hasn't been a good weekend

If I had the time, I would consider forming a family council as it would be the forum for folks to grumble over the petty issues and then identify the top three issues that are commonplace and really do need to be addressed and if not the ombudsman gets contacted
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Unfortunately, when promoting or prefacing the "understanding and sympathetic" position, all most staff hear is you giving them an understanding pass on providing your Mom the best standards of care, imo.

I am not a good communicator, so will yield the floor to the more experienced who have actually been to the "Care Meetings".

I am not someone who would accept sub-standard care, and would more likely be banned for speaking up at all.
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I'd like to get across the idea that I understand and sympathize with the reasons for some things without conceding the point I'm trying to make....

"I understand that weekends and evening shifts are often short staffed, what can be done to ensure mom doesn't miss her bath too often?"

"Unfortunately mom can't remember anything that happens, I know I can't expect the psw's to take time to update me about what mom is doing every day, do you have any suggestions to help us to keep abreast of her activities or needs?"
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Excellent wording of your concerns!
Fact finders sit in the middle, but others cannot hear or see you.
Not sure about the use of "I" statements, what about using the formal name of the patient/client (your Mom),
example: "Mrs. Willie has always expressed a strong desire to be changed and clean at all times."

Or, how is this:  Let's cut to the chase....
"If anyone blends a sandwich or tries to feed (Mrs. Willie) anything you yourselves would not eat, you will be hearing from me directly on the heels of the Ombudsman, and will have hekk
to pay".

me bad.
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Cwillie, your kind heart and innocence is showing. There was room at the table, the bully came late and had her own seat, perhaps thinking her opinion WAS the only opinion. Shortly after her arrival, verbal fights broke out. One would not need to hear due to the scowl on her face. Only 2 joined her at the end of the meeting.
The second most powerful position IS the one at the other end (of a rectangle table), it is said by the referenced article's author.
My best position is not to go to any meetings anymore.
If it all can be avoided.
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I've been practising my "I" statements. I feel

frustrated
unimportant
overwhelmed
unappreciated
disconnected
resentful
dismissed
left out
.....oops, can't use any of those!

We have decided that this will be a fact finding mission and we will let the meeting proceed according to their agenda and sit back and hear what they have to say, I will have to bite my tongue if they start handing me BS. My one main point is summed up as

"If I have a question or I see something that concerns me I'm not sure of the proper protocol to bring it to someone's attention, I often feel I am interrupting your work."
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My preferred spot is at the bottom of the table, or directly across from the leader but not too close. (lol)
If I were at your meeting I'd want to sit close enough to your neighbours at the separate table to hear what they were saying without aligning myself with them.... was there not enough room for everyone at the main table, or did they feel excluded and that their opinions had no place there?
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