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dearfranca, I understand why you wanted to ask this question, it would have been interesting to hear from "the Other Side"; but this just isn't the right website for that question. Most of us can tell you what we think our siblings are enjoying while we care for our parents.
My sibs have been able to continue on with their lives unaffected by having 2 parents with dementia. They have long since emotionally distanced themselves from them..so their grief will be minimal when the time comes.
I joined here while caring for my husband with dementia.
This is a great site. But it certainly does not accurately reflect what percentage of the caregiving population share the problems we discuss.
I wouldn't be cynical if it weren't so hard not to be. Unfortunately, thinking back, I'd say many non-resident siblings who do stumble over AgingCare are looking for ways to overrule, undermine or evict the resident caregiver. They have their suspicions, sometimes reasonable, sometimes startlingly ignorant, but either way they're not in the mood to be grateful and tend not to appreciate its being suggested that they might be.
At first I was grateful, but only too late I realized it was just an occasional big show
of "help" and what the real draw was access to funds and tangible assets such as
car. There was always the "I'm like a second son or daughter" comment made at
some point. I was so naive to think that these sudden friendships had good intentions.
After a few of them blew up, and I mean blew up in that they were exposed to be
common grifters, and low level criminal types, I finally was able to fend off most of
them. But the whole thing never completely went away because my dad thrives
on flattery, drama and playing victim. And con artists are drawn to that.
So no, none of my fake siblings ever worked out. Just added another pile of work
on top of the work I was already doing. I would love, love, love to have a sibling
that helped out. I'm so envious of the families that work together to help out their
parent without all the squabbling, grifting and drama.
A huge big advantage was being able to come and go as I wished, except for one weekend a month. I didn't have to find someone who could stay with Mom.
I didn't have to encourage/force Mom to take showers.
I didn't have to coax her to keep medical appointments, or drive her there, or go in with her.
I wasn't involved every day in the effort to stop her from smoking. Once a month was enough, thanks. My sister and her husband managed this! (We were mostly worried about fire hazards and the inconvenience if she went into a care center.)
I only had my sleep interrupted a couple of night a month.
Our mom was an absolute sweetie. Even with dementia she was polite and kind. But there were major advantages to not being the one primarily responsible for her care, while still being confident she was getting excellent care.
I wish I could write that I did have help though. On the few occasions that it did occur, I took the week off and caught up on my rest and sleep. It was heavenly. And it was so comforting to know that if an ER trip was necessary, someone else would have to get up in the middle of the night.