Follow
Share

Trying to find way to avoid conflicts, if only for a day, I find myself being devious in so many ways, and it sticks in my gut. I hide his cell phone because his sits for hours, hitting the numbers, scrolling through names, calling people at all hours, sometimes accidentally. I hide his shaver because he dumps the whiskers everywhere and lost the parts to the last one, sits and shaves and shaves and shaves. (I offer to help him to expedite and clean the shaver for him). Hide his hearing aid accessories because he dumps them out all over. I hide the mail because he wants to subscribe to every magazine, donate to every charity, enter every sweepstake, apply for every refy or loan, send away for every "viagra"-type product, every prostate product. And on it goes.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
((hugs))

Coping with dementia is exhausting.. I've been playing these games with my Dad for over 6 years now.. to try to keep the peace.
(22)
Report

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish you peace for at least a day. {{{Hugs}}}
(10)
Report

And... This morning I looked for an hour for missing hearing aids-this after paying a replacement co-pay on care credit for one purchased in October2017athe second one lost in a year-the fourth in 10'years. When he got up he placed them in an empty cigarette pack, then removed them. After dumping trashe, scouring the flour and under furniture, asking if he had them on, him chastising ME-i looked more closely and, oh yes, you guessed it-both in his ears! Ah yes, please, great spirit, it's only 9 am...
(28)
Report

CELL PHONE
Hubs advises looking for a technology that blocks that specific cell phone getting to the cell phone tower, and instead going to a box that won't put the call through. It may be called "Cell-be-gone".

Or, you could do what Sharyn did, drop it in a glass of water (joke).

My idea was to "call forward" during certain hours, but that may be labor intensive.

You could get a dummy phone when hiding his, so he won't freak out.

Having things gone missing all the time will add to your hubs confusion and frustration, I am thinking. It depends upon his cognitive abilities, and if he becomes lucid at times.

I empathize with your frustration, and the reason I thought of putting the phone in a glass of water is that it seems so much easier than to have it end up in a trash truck, being tracked to a dump site. imo. So bad, huh? Those things can be expensive.

You so very much need some respite care.
(9)
Report

We have done everything. Fortunately for my mom, the cell was not a big issue. Buying stuff on TV was. We started with taking away her credit card, then giving her prepaid card, then no access to credit cards at all. One time she called on her home phone, remembered her checking account# and SS# and got a "Bow Flex" credit card, and sure enough a 200# Bow flex stair machine showed up 3 days later.
She has a smart TV, many of the shopping channels are blocked. The TV goes off at 11 and won't come back on till 7.
She is constantly looking for her checkbook to buy something. She never answers the phone when it rings, so we just moved it upstairs and we get all the calls forwarded to me and my sister through the VOIP.
Hearing aides were another matter. She would pull them out and leave them everywhere. She doesn't think she needs them. We finally just stopped, they kept getting lost, it was a disaster, and they are expensive. Wireless head phones so she can watch TV and have the sound turned up so no one else is bothered.
She recently had to get an upper plate denture, it ends up everywhere. She even left it at a restaurant. Takes her "teeth out to eat". Go figure. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we rage.
This is not devious, this is protective. Think of what you do for your little children to keep them safe and prevent exploitation. This is the other end of life where we have to do the same things.
(22)
Report

We all do this. And it is hard. Find little ways to give him some mail. My family helps so much by sending letters etc. The phone is so hard. Do you know how to program it to make it impossible to call certain numbers? Sounds like you need some respite.
(8)
Report

Oh boy, thank you for your honesty. I have the same thing "knowing at my gut." I am able to make peace with it because I think it improves my stress level but it improves my mother's quality of life. If I don't lie to her,tell her that her car isn't working,there will be a crash of she tried to drive. If I don 't lie to her,tell her one of her doctors is out of town she will harass him until he refused to see her. Get the picture. I just think at this point it's unfortunately necessary . Please don't be so hard on yourself.😉
(13)
Report

I have been there too. I had to sell the car, hide the cell phone, hide the wine bottles, hide the kitchen knifes, hide the gardening tools, hide the hammer, and so on. I had to replace those "toys" with other things to keep his mind in some other less harmfull things. I bring him a lot of newspapers and magazines every week, he loves to read.
(11)
Report

My Dad orders from catalogs which only adds to him being on more mailing lists. I sneak some out of the house and go online to get him off the lists...it’s never ending. We can only do so much...
(6)
Report

I had to hide the kitchen knives, turn off the landline (we have cell phones), keep garbage pails and cans out of sight and out of reach and eventually had to install a safety gate (for her sake) to keep her completely out of the kitchen which was full of dangerous items as well as the door to outside and the door to the cellar staircase. Do not feel guilty, you need to keep your loved one safe!
(6)
Report

This is such a common issue associated with dementia, but it doesn't make it any less exhausting or aggravating. My (now) 95 year old mother lost....wait for it..... 5 pairs of lower dentures in less than 18 months. The last two sets were $1,000 each, accompanied of course, by the multiple trips to and from the dentist. We had to make the difficult call to not replace them again, and although she can only chew (or, sadly, more appropriately "gum") with her upper dentures very soft food, she seems less stressed knowing she isn't going to lose them again. Had absolutely no idea where they went....sometimes comments like "I put them on the end table....someone else took them", to "I wrapped them in a tissue, and I think they fell into the toilet" - probably true). Someone, anyone, is always taking her coffee, muffins, candy and her blessed coasters (always found stuffed in her underwear draw, or inside some stashed box in one drawer or another). We are warriors, all of us, and today I send hugs to each of you for continued strength and perserverance. xoxoxo
(19)
Report

I think that dementia forces us to treat our loved ones with deception in order to avoid painful conflicts. Then we get to feel guilty (shouldn't lie to loved one) (loved one should be worthy of honesty) (it's so difficult to keep thinking of work arounds) (why do I have to do this). I can only imagine why this is such a sticking point with you. But I'm proud of you for avoiding conflict and continuing to manage. When you think of the alternative (yelling, reasoning in vain, fighting) you may feel better that you are only doing what you have to do. Perhaps you can also take comfort that your loved one isn't as upset as if you directly confronted him. Best wishes.
(9)
Report

Oh my stars...and Mom thinking facebook was stalking her had me going bonkers...and I'm at just the beginning...I'm hoping her computer will crash as she/we won't (wink) be able to afford another one....sigh...
(7)
Report

My husband and I have to hide all of our scissors and sharp knives because my mom cuts up her clothes. She was doing this on occasion before she moved in with us in December. I have caught her a couple of times trying to cut her socks or the sleeves off a shirt.

I admit I lose my patience with her on a daily basis. She fights me about her doing anything she doesn’t want to do - like bathing, washing her hair, doing her walking, her exercises (she was in rehab for a while). Whenever she doesn’t want to do something, she pulls the “I don’t feel good” or “I don’t think I’m going to be able to do xxx today”. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt, but now I’m on to her. Sometimes she has barely opened her eyes in the morning before she says she doesn’t feel like doing anything today.

However, her dementia seems to be getting worse each week. She has gotten to the point where she has to wear a diaper all the time. I placed a diaper pail in her room along with a dirty clothes hamper with bright neon signs taped to the wall above each receptacle so she would get used to putting things where they belong. They still end up on the floor, her bed or a chair. I’ve given up.
(8)
Report

You could turn the phone service off ( from the supplier, Verizon, AT&T, etc) but keep the phone charged up. He can dial all he wants but if the service has been terminated, nothing will go through. Just tell him the tower must be out again.

RE: "where are the hearing aids" - I've been playing this game for several years. I finally got DH to put them in his shirt pocket. Much easier to find. Yes, I had to rummage through the trash once and even scoured the backyard looking - thankfully I always found them. So far.

We have a metal bar across the door so he knows I am still inside - sort of - but the bar is too heavy for him to lift. He still can't always find me in the house. But the bar across the door helps a lot! It slides through 2 large 'cup hooks' and secures the door.
(8)
Report

I understand. My father would do things that drove me crazy, but I couldn't stop him. I would do things behind your Dads back, like cleaning his shaver. Don't ask him. The worst part is when they realize there are people out there who will talk to them and all they have to do is give them money.This is a great revelation to them. And will be their their new obsession. And once they give one person money, soon many will follow. And soon they are on the sucker list. If it isn't over the phone, it's on the tv, the mail, and people show up on the doorstep. They take advantage of the elderly. Special place in hell for those people.
(10)
Report

I am so sorry for your "guilt" and frustration. It is just like caring for a child. You must give yourself credit for being their for your loved one. You are his angel. I care for my 88 yo mom, who fell two years ago and fractured her neck -- she was in Ohio with my nephew and I live in California. We almost lost her, but because she had a GREAT surgeon, she survived. Since she struck her head so hard, she lost all memory of the past 10 - 15 years. She knew all of her family, but occasionally mixed up grandchildren's names. She was adamant about not leaving Ohio (very attached to her great-grandson, whom she practically raised from 6 months on) and coming to California with me. I had to "fib" and tell her she was just coming for the winter months, as it would be too hard on her. She had episodes of anger, once she realized that she was not going back, but got over it, once her senses somewhat came back to her and she knew there was no one there to care for her. Both of my youngers have passed away (they had a genetic disease - one passed at 30 and the other at 59), so I am the only one who could care for her. She has memory problems daily of recent events, but remembers all of her childhood. I am so fortunate that she is cognizant enough to listen to me and know that I do everything for her best interest. I read these comments daily and I feel so much compassion for those of you having issues with your loved ones. Even though my mom is a "gem" comparatively, I do understand the stress and the burnout that is suffered by us all, just from the daily care. You are all angels and may God bless you all.
(5)
Report

We are all going through similar things. Try and remember he's not doing it on purpose. It's okay to fib to keep yourself sane and it's not hurting your loved one. It's a job that's much tougher than anyone realizes. You need to safe guard him from not only others but himself - some one else mentioned like a child, you have to do what's best not only for him but for you and the rest of the household. It's hard because they are not children, they will not grow and learn, this will not get better only worse. I also try and remember it may be me one day.
(2)
Report

You are only protecting your LO. Just last week had to take the microwave away because my mom wants to cook when I'm sleeping and that wasn't going well. One week coulndn't find the house phone that was in her room (later found it in one of her tote bags). I'm looking for toothbrush, toothpaste and soap every morning. She moves it out the bathroom every day into the abyss of her bedroom. I cleaned out the bathroom over a month ago to avoid her putting chemicals in her hair or on her face. She now uses toothpaste as face cream (first it was the deodorant) and refuses to take it off. It hardens, it's a mess. You have to do what you can to protect them from themselves as long as you can.
(5)
Report

NOT devious...smart & safe! So many good answers & advice here.

My Mom is showing signs of ALZ. I am always looking for short cuts & work arounds these days.

Princess....thanks for your honesty.....I could have written your post! I tell Mom "let's not fight about it...it has to be done so let's just get it over with & think how wonderful you feel after the shower." This works more often than not as "just get it over with" was one of her go to expressions when I was growing up. She can relate to it. :)
(4)
Report

It is so difficult and against the grain so often but as others have said these lies are necessary. You can try and find other ways to deal with the issues so you don't have to lie and for the things you do still need to consider it this way, first would it be easier on your LO if you told them truth, if I don't hide this item you do this without realizing and that creates this problem...will that be received well or will that be too hard on them to hear, in which case the lie is a lie of love and respect, the truth would be the opposite. It isn't your fault and it isn't your LO's fault either it's this disease. Maybe we are simply outsmarting or lying to the disease not the person.
Ideas; If the cell phone is or could be on your plan is there a plan meant for children that limits who they can actually call or what hours they can call from it? I know there are cell phones meant for seniors that hold limited numbers and have very limited functions, maybe that's an option? Seems to me he gets some pleasure out of scrolling though so I would be tempted to try and let him have it for as long as possible, even if it wont call all of those people... When he subscribes to things and orders things, is it by mail? Who mails it for him or provides the stamps? Any way to intercept, even make a deal with the mail carrier if he leaves them in your box or give him 1 cent stamps so they don't get sent... Give him an old checkbook to a closed account and maybe mark that on the back of the checks or something to warn anyone that receives one that doesn't get out. Is there a way to flag his SS# or hold it so anyone wanting to give him credit sees not to? I know there is a way to turn that ability to check your credit on and off so other people cant steal your identity. Again it seems to me that getting and being able to go through the mail, fill out forms and order things is a familiar function to people and makes them feel self sufficient, like they are living in the real world.
Thant said of course, I am not suggesting making it harder on yourself to entertain him, it's a balance and an important one meaning your needs are more important sometimes and his are other times, unfortunately it falls on you to decide which is which. Still your needs are no less important than his and should take precedence a fair amount of the time. Taking care of yourself is the same as taking care of your LO.
(2)
Report

These deceptions are all based on keeping them safe because a conflict could be bad for their B.P. - having them on an even plane with little ups & downs is the best way for them in long run - we all hide things, remove things from use, discontinue services and disable items in an effort to keep things on an even keel for them -

Guilt is a spirit sapping emotion that will keep you tired & cranky - you should only feel guilt for things you do selfishly [like taking money from their wallets to buy booze for yourself] not for doing things like following what the health specialists strongly suggest you do for them or even common sense tells you should be done - it is past time to ditch guilt for necessary actions because those actions are done out of love & compassion
(3)
Report

Wow!! Does this mean I should count my blessed (??) that she decided not to eat solid stuff and is now too weak and WON'T get out of bed to try to get stronger? I don't have to worry she will wonder or get into stuff. But then she lives in MY home now and I am always here unless a respite Hospice worker is in attendance.
(1)
Report

One question: Why are you putting up with this. it will only get worse. You don't deserve to be forced to care for someone like this. You must place this person in a facility where he can be properly cared for by a trained staff. Remove yourself and don't make yourself the object of constant battles and frustration.
(2)
Report

My dad lost 3 cell phones within 6 weeks. We bought a new one, made sure it was a new number and ONLY put mother, brother and me in the contact listing. We are ok for his calls, but no telling who else he would call at all hours.
He refuses hearing aids, but he loves to read. Every week I take him a stack of books and this occupies him. I also take him snacks he likes and this seems to satisfy him. Has he thrown some books in the trash can? Yes. IF that is the worst, I can deal with it.
Granted he is in NH and is supervised, but he is still able to cause havoc. We control it as best we can. Now he wants to play bingo with other residents, which is great! Good luck with this...
(2)
Report

My mom was diagnosed 2 years ago with dementia. She is forgetting more and more. We repeat the same thing over and over again. This is exhausting let alone all the other things that are happening. I gave her a calendar that has my everyday schedule. She needs to know where I'm going at all times and when I will be home. Im 52. I live with both of my parents. She's the same way with my dad. She NEVER wants him to go anywhere!. Its so hard on him. She's been through the anger and rage and was hospitalized for a month. She is finally somewhat better with meds. Now though she sleeps so much. Its so sad to experience this disease. So frustrating for her and us. 😖
(1)
Report

You’re definitely not alone in having to use subterfuge to protect your loved one, nor in feeling guilty about it. It’s one of the hardest things we have to do as caregivers and one that no one seems to be able to anticipate somehow. It’s so difficult to say untrue things to your parent or spouse that you love and respect. And to agree with them when they say things that you know aren’t true, just to spare their feelings. (Like yesterday, my dad told me his dear departed dog, gone 20 years now, is living in his old hometown. “I don’t know how he got there, but he sure is happy!” “Wow, dad, that’s great.”) We have all been there.
(3)
Report

My friends were not too bad when I was made POA for their health care and finances. I monitored their spending on-line at first to make sure they weren't getting scammed. When I got them into a memory care apartment, I took the cell phone and cancelled it and their phone in their town home. All their mail was sent to me so I could monitor things. I tore out the subscription renewal cards in the magazine they received so the husband wouldn't think it was time to renew. I had their checkbook to pay their bills, so I didn't need to worry about strange purchases. Getting them into that environment was key to being able to manage their needs without becoming personally exhausted. The care there was better than anything I could have done. As a male friend, I was not about to start cleaning the wife with her incontinence. The trick was convincing the husband they need to leave their townhouse so his wife could get better care. It took a couple of years before her needs were so pronounced that he reluctantly agreed. Once there, he was happy and never asked about going home. There were new people to see and eat with everyday so there was socialization. Staff there made sure each got whatever meds they needed at the right times and kept me informed as to their mental states to help prepare me for the declines that were coming. I could never had done this alone. May you find such a good answer for your father. I had no hearing aid issues to deal with and the constant misplacing of things, so it was easier for me and the staff.
(3)
Report

Yes, try to remember they do not do this on purpose and try to put yourself in their shoes. Sad to say, we cannot predict the future and we may find ourselves like them one day. It is a very self sacrificing thing we can do to take care of an elderly parent with dementia. I know as I have been doing it for years. I do get tired as I don't have much time for myself. And I can relate to another person who wrote about her parent's dentures. Don't know how many pairs my dear mom lost. And it was me who had to take her to the countless trips to the dentist for new dentures, impressions, fittings, etc. and not to mention the money my mom paid for new ones. I'm trying my best for now and taking one day at a time. Life goes by fast. It won't last forever.
(2)
Report

My 92-year-old mother-in-law has no interest in the phone. She can hear, but can't recognize voices or understand who the callers are. She can't use a cell phone, or any phone.
If your father loves using the cell phone, could you set it up the way it's done for small kids, no WIFI or Internet, so they can't place calls, but can look through photo libraries (add photos of faces, animals, favorite objects, memories he'd enjoy scrolling through), listen to music, use the calculator, and show him how to use a few very simple features.
It would be so cool if there were a way to have a phone contact list so he could tap a name/phone number that went directly to recorded messages: "Hi Dad, I love you very much. I hope to see you soon!" "Hi Grandpa. I want to sing a song for you (read a poem, tell a funny story)."
This would give him things to do if he just enjoys fidgeting with the cell phone.
If he still understands how to make phone calls, this would not be adequate, and as others have suggested, a land line would be necessary.
(4)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter