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She's lying about all of it. I have convinced her to go to rehabilitation therapy after her having her big toe amputated, but she told me not to pay any bills. Then the house needs a whole new sewer system and now that I am here I haven’t seen him since yesterday. And he was under the impression that she was going to be in the hospital for a long time. She actually thought she was going to come home and I can take her to the hospital twice a day for antibiotics and then physical therapy and then changing her wound. She is going to try rehabilitation. I just feel so alone and I have a feeling that my brother is going to say well you got to leave for thirty years, here you deal with it.

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Staffbull18 I commend you on being a good child (even when grownup you will still be their child) :)

Not sure how it works where you are but start with the PHONE.
Woek your way down the list and Phone mortgage first.
Then phone the others as suggested.
Tell them all you are going to TRY to get your mother sorted with HER monies. (Not yours)

Make some arrangements if you can.

What is your mother spending her money on? You may have to look into that? It she doing something 'on-line'? Gambling, buying, donating?

How well is her freezer stocked?

Temp solution for her toilet situation is a portaloo (or similar). Can you get any help to pay for the septic tank?

FINALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!
That should be FIRSTLY really. If you are unwell you cannot help them at all.
Keep coming back here and let it all go. No one will judge you whatever route you take.

Love and hugs
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Thank you all for your suggestions and support I will say I find this forum so helpful
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I think there is a tremendous amount of anger built up inside. Your role in the family seems to be the caregiver, but you've found it hard to take care of yourself with all the needy people around you. Maybe stepping back and saying no is the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone else right now. When you are on an airplane, they say that if the plane is going down, that adults should put on their oxygen masks first, before helping children.

That's probably what you need to do. Step back, let that brother help his "fair share," and take care of yourself and your NEW family, not your family of origin. The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud helped me find my footing. Talk to your therapist too.

You don't have to be the one in charge of getting mom to rehab. You don't need to be the one in charge of getting a new leach field (something I've just talked to my plumber about, ugh). You don't have to be the one to give, give, give. You deserve a break.
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First of all I will clarify I went to college and I moved a hour and a half away I didn’t leave my parents I was there for them all my life and we had a great relationship I have been down here the whole summer of 2015 taking care of her ulcerated foot went back to Wisconsin to be with my husband and take care of my father in law and a couple months later my daddy was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and I was by his side for everything and then he passed away in December 2016 I ended up in treatment for anorexia for 4 months and then I was taking care of my mom and father in law I would come down to just be there for her and then January 13 th my father In law was hospitalized because he forgot to eat for 5 days Then the month of February I was Home a couple days so I do care about my mom she doesn’t have dementia she has her right mind and the septic was pumped last year but the leach field and the whole system hasn’t been updated for 60 years
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Commutergirl - sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. Many of us do not. Some need to go "no contact" in order to survive. It's a right to life - self defense issue and not a moral failing. In this case, I'm wondering if bro and Mom are enmeshed - if that is the case, no wonder she was gone (pushed out) for years.
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It seems my main concern is that if you have been gone for 30 years why are you concerned now? I don't know the reason but it seems you have held some sort of deep grudge against your mother for you to be gone 30 years. It seems maybe you were letting off steam at your writing. Mom only has two children and my brother has lived all over the country and I have been Mom's sole caregiver and it's really easy to get defensive when he comes to town wanting to "visit". It's your Mom, roll up your sleeves, make a med tray, give her lunch, watch a movie with her and let me take a nap!!
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Does anyone have POA?
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Staffbull, if Mom has a mortgage, pay that bill first, as Mom needs a roof over her head.

As Surprise said above, do NOT use your own money. JoAnn above also had some great ideas.

You mentioned that the house needs a whole new sewer system. I assume this is a new septic system, correct? Septic drain fields last about 20 years, then a new location is needed. When was the last time the septic tank was pumped out?
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So sorry about Moms spending. I was lucky Mom stayed within her means. I am not being funny here but get a big table. Sort each billing by company. Check her check book just to see when she last paid ea company and then call to confirm balances. First pay utilities. Then hospital bills. Then credit cards. If possible, more than the minimum payment. Do u have POA, ask utilities and credit companies to put ur name in the system as a contact when bills aren't paid. If u have POA then it may be time to take over her finances. Her Dementia will not get better. You may want to freeze credit cards.
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Don't pay her bills, especially don't pay her bills with your money. If she needs someone to volunteer for misery, it does not need to be you. Make sure your backbone is strong while she's in the hospital. Maybe leave any keys to her house with her there so you are not tempted to jump in to help someone who lies to you.

It sounds like there is something deeper in the family with the snark from your brother. If you left for 30 years, it was probably needed. The state can take over her care if she truly needs it - medicaid and court appointed guardians come to mind. You make your "no" stick. If she makes an uncomfortable bed for herself, that's her problem, not yours. Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud is a great book; at Wally World and the mega bookstores.
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Is there a question here? I would definitely steer your mom to go to in patient rehab if it’s offered.
If she does well there with learning how to perform ADL’s and her amputated toe sits is healing well, they may send her home with home care that will teach the family how to administer antibiotics through a picc line (long term IV usually inserted and used for antibiotic administration and pulled when the antibiotics are finished.
I don’t know what kind of insurance she has but hopefully they will pay for rehab in patient and then a number of home care visits.
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