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I went to see daddy today to watch a football game with him. He was happy to see me at first then he started getting agitated and started ignoring me. I didn't have to go up there, I wanted to. I thought he'd enjoy being able to watch the game with me. It really hurt my feelings that he treated me that way. I mean I know it's the disease but he could have at least tried to enjoy the visit and the game.


I'm so upset that I continually keep getting my feelings hurt by his actions or words. Am I crazy for thinking he could try to act happy to see me? I guess I'm expecting too much from him? I just feel so damn depressed especially because I let it get to me. I've always been a very emotional person and I cried all the way home. I'm freakin' tired of crying over him. I feel like I'm at the point of saying screw it, if he's gonna act this way I just won't go see him - make him feel bad about why I'm not there.

Yep, you know how it all goes but it still hurts. They really have no idea how what they say or do effect us. They have lost empathy. I wouldn't stop trying but just try not to take it to heart.
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Sorry Laceysterror, you sound like such a sweetie! and it hurts when your dad can't return the sentiment.....because his brain is "broken"! You know if it was him, he would not treat you that way! You can't change him, or his brain, you can only change how you react, so you can continue to be with him. This video will help you to strengthen your emotions so you can take any emotion he throws at you: https://youtu.be/ZJR5bjQ4JGo
Good luck to you, don't give up yet!
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Happyplace....love your statement "He can't give you what he doesn't have at this point". I am going to remember that & use it!

I have to make another statement here: Working in a Memory Care community as a Front Desk Receptionist, I've noticed something interesting. There are residents who display loving behavior towards everyone, and they get lots of visitors, sometimes twice a day. There are other residents who display angry/aggressive behavior, and they still get visitors, but way less. Who wants to witness such behavior all the time? It makes those visits horrible! One lady developed dementia very young; she's only around 59 NOW, and acts out a lot in the community. She throws over chairs when she's angry or confused/frustrated, and gets on the other residents nerves. Her husband comes to visit her and takes her to lunch/dinner, and when she sees him, she brightens up immediately turning her usual scowl or confused look into a smile. She comes back from the meal happy and content. I think that's why he continues to take her out.........she is HAPPY when she sees him.

We get what we give, I suppose, even with the miserable disease of dementia at play. Why put ourselves in the path of the tornado if we don't have to? Limited visits are the order of the day when the behaviors are hurtful.
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You sound like you are grieving the loss of your father. Every visit is another painful reminder that your dad is not the man he once was. Your dad also doesn't have capacity to soothe you (and this might be another loss for you), so self soothing is what you need now. Hug yourself, take yourself off to the spa; in otherwords, do something really nice for yourself today - whatever feels good for you. Lick your wounds. Take good care.
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He has shown you who he is....believe him. Shorten your visits, expect nothing and you will not be disappointed, you are doing this to yourself, ask yourself why. Perhaps some therapy will help you work through this. Sending support your way!
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I’m so sorry your attempts to make a positive fun experience for your dad backfired. A football game is a pretty long time for someone to concentrate on one thing. I love football but can’t just sit and watch a whole game, so it may just be too long for him to stay cheerful. Good advice has already been given, when it starts, make your excuse and leave. If football is a sport you 2 enjoyed together, maybe tell him you’re only staying for the first half. It’s a sad thing to find you can’t have the same fun with your parents that you used to. We can relate. Just try to do what keeps you happiest.
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My opinion is that you gave him some happiness. Perhaps he had some moment of clarity in recognizing you and your presence. When the agitation starts, maybe it's time to leave. Even if your efforts only gave him a few moments of comfort, consider it time well spent. He can't give you what he doesn't have at this point. (And that is enough reason to cry in and of itself.) I'm sorry you have to go through this. You are a good daughter.
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I'm sorry you're going through this with your dad. I don't think he's purposely trying to hurt your feelings, though, and that's something important for you to consider. Dementia is horrible........it completely changes someone's personality many times, into something unrecognizable! You need to find a way to toughen up if you want to continue visiting dad. Otherwise, you'll continue taking his behavior personally and internalizing it to the point where it will affect YOUR emotional well being. Don't allow that to happen. Research dementia and learn about it, read about it, find ways to cope with the changes you are seeing with dad. That may prove helpful. To some degree, anyway.

I went to see my mother in Memory Care a few weeks ago. She was sitting out in the garden in her wheelchair & was happy to see me at first, just like your dad was with you. Within 5 minutes, however, she got into a very foul mood and started acting just awful, saying terrible things and hyping herself up into a state of agitation. I SHOULD have gotten OUT of there. Instead, I stayed and tried to talk her off the ledge, which is always a mistake. I know that, yet I STILL do it. The whole visit turned into a total disaster, needless to say, and I left there feeling completely miserable.

The next time I see her in such a state, I am turning on my heel and LEAVING. Immediately. No if-ands-or-buts. I know that they're suffering a disease. But WE have to do whatever WE can to minimize OUR exposure to the hurt feelings that go along with it.

In other words, I feel your pain. Best of luck
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