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Its not that she isn’t sweet or I don’t have empathy for her. But I need space and downtime from this situation. It’s draining even when I don’t see her. His family is dramatic. Right now we have her ever Saturday. His grandmother passed this week so now it has to be the entire weekend.


His sibling is out of state and has found a way to steal from her mother. His father is estranged. His uncle will not help.


i understand he wants to save money and doesn’t want her to rot. But it’s not fair to me. I wouldn’t expect him to do the same. I’m 30. He’s 40. I’m still young! I want to enjoy my 2 year old and my life I don’t want to shoulder this burden. I was never even asked just told.


I understand life won’t always be fair. But I want my weeekend to be easy and with my son he’s the only one I have. I’m sorry but I don’t want the third wheel every weekend. He says I don’t always have to be there but I shouldn’t have to leave my house. I want two weekends free of her a month. She can have companion care those days.


My bf agrees but won’t pull the trigger.


Right now I see her every Saturday but this will be every weekend day starting this weekend.


I can't handle it. Her disease forces me to be a prisoner as it is. If this happens and he won’t compromise I want to leave. There has to be a compromise. This isn’t a fairy tale. This is really life. My therapist says I shouldn’t have to do this.


Help! Suggestions -tough love?


I’m sick over this.

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You say in your OP that “If this happens and he won’t compromise, I want to leave.” It’s a strong statement, but probably true – your life will disappear into caring, and your relationship will get worse and worse. The year or two of misery and bickering before you break, will leave everyone worse off than now – you, him, your child and probably MIL as well.

It could be better to bring it to a crisis ASAP. Then it’s a clear choice for him to make – his mother or you. You seem to get on well with MIL, so let her know that the chips are down and that she is part of the choice. You already have some options to put forward – one weekend in two, or BF to go to spend the weekend with her rather than her moving in with you. There may be other options you could live with. But if BF insists on choosing MIL not you, the sooner you go and make a decent life for yourself, the better. Looking forward, the next step could easily be that BF decides that MIL will move in permanently with you. If you try to leave now with as little bitterness as possible, BF may even change his mind when he has some experience of coping on his own.
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One of the most NOT talked about things that kills a relationship are EXPECTATIONS. When people have them of others and when people have them and don’t talk about it.

You need to be lovingly clear that his expectation for you to meet this at the level he does is not fair but you’re willing to compromise. State what the compromise is and when you expect it to take place. Also be clear that the expectation has a lot to do with your level of respect and admiration. People fail to realize it’s not lack of love that kills a couple, it’s lack of respect and being able to admire the person you’re with. Once those are gone, the love soon follows.
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aprilfarnham198 Sep 6, 2019
I really like your response.

I do need to communicate this delicately. Our relationship has not been enjoyable since his mother became sick. Which is the exact same time I became pregnant.

We shoulder the burden for years. He has issues doing anything that would help him and benefit his mom. It’s either he is addicted to the misery, doesn’t value the relationship, lazy, can’t handle confrontation and feels guilt and thinks he has to do it all.

albeit hard for him. Our relationship won’t survive is we don’t get a break and it won’t survive because I can’t contibue to live under this pressure.

Tha k yoh for you advice
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April, a couple of things just jump out and worry me for your son.

You state that your boyfriend won't do anything for his moms situation because he is lazy (do you really want a lazy male role model for your son?)

He can't handle confrontation, really, not even to protect his own son and his mom.

You say he doesn't want to spend any money(her money) on her care to preserve the estate, so he can get a bigger inheritance. Who destroys people for money? Is any amount really worth the turmoil that you are living?

If you were my daughter I would counsel you to run, don't walk, run for your life. He will always be a disappointment because right now he is showing you his character and it is not pretty. Money grubbing, lazy, scared to defend his family, 3 strikes.

That money is for his moms care, it is hers and no one is entitled to a penny until she dies and then it is a gift, not an entitlement. We all work and save for a rainy day, well, its pouring on this woman right now and her greedy family would rather up end her life every week than do what is best for her.

One word of advice, it never works to tell your man what he needs to do. They need to figure it out, you can research and back him up, but as soon as you say, you need to...they go into rebel mode and you lose. Ask lots of questions that make him look at the situation, reaffirm his good ideas, say nothing about the bad ideas and lovingly guide him to a solution. Whether you two make it or not, you will want to remember this with whomever you are involved with, after all it is his family and he has his demons in that area.

I would also stop entertaining his mom, when she comes over, do your thing and let him deal with her 100%. You never know, it might be okay with her there as long as you don't have to worry about her. By the way, he is not aware how much work is involved if you are doing most of it. I would insist that he not be leaving any messes for you in his endeavor to care for his mom. Let him do what he wants and do it alone, he will soon see that she needs professional help. Don't waiver, let him do it, that was the solution he gave you, use it.

Best of luck, this is a tough situation for the strongest relationships. Remember that this is really about your son having a safe, loving home environment and work towards that goal.

Can you share what her care requirements are or is this just about no private weekends? No judgment. Alzheimer's disease can be quiet and not require any hands on care or it can be a grueling, never a moment to breathe endeavor. What is she like?
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AlvaDeer Sep 6, 2019
I so agree with all you have said. Esp about the thing of not telling him what to do. He should be doing it. Having him do it because you say so, not good. I somehow missed the part about his saying any spending would harm inheritance. I would be out the door like a shot on that one.
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She has her own home that there are hired caregivers. If so, why can't ur DH/BF stay in her house on the weekend. You could help by taking them a meal. This way u have the house all to yourself.
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AlvaDeer Sep 6, 2019
Yike! The PERFECT idea. Absolutely the perfect one. Now, why didn't I think of that!
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You say that this is a bf. Does that mean boyfriend? Because you call her your MIL. If this is a bf, she is not yet your mother in law, and already there are problems. Is this the father of your two year old? Do you live in your own home, his home, or do you rent? How long have you been together?
Firstly you say that you were "not asked; you were told". To me this means that you have no choice, and you do not have a voice, which is worse. It doesn't say a whole lot for the chances of the relationship that you are trying to save.
You say she is already there for one day of the week. OK. I could "see" that. I guess I could DO that if I were asked, and not told. But ALL your free time? Nope.
Now, if you truly want to save the relationship, I am sorry, but you are going to have to do a bit of experimenting. You are going to have to leave your home one day a week. That may even mean you are going to have to pay for a motel on that one day of a week. Early up and late home. You don't see her come, you don't see her go and she is all his. All the cooking, all the everything.
I am only assuming, and I think already have fallen into the sexist statements hole here a few times, but it is often the WOMEN who end doing the care. Is it your BF who does the care all day Saturday, or you, or do you both do it.
I think he may soon enough give this up. Meanwhile you and your two year old get out there and see your world. You go and do and be with one another exclusively.
I am sorry. It's all I can think of. I am 77, and I have learned finally about relationships having been in a FEW and married several times. I have learned what you know is the end in the beginning. A man who tells you how it will be --that is the beginning of the end.
I must say I understand his pressures as well. Clearly whoever is taking care of Mom in home now is up against it and feeling the pressure. That is to be recognized. But it is not going to be better. You are a new person coming into this and you may be getting to be seen as "A Place For Mom" quite literally.
Good luck. I hope you will update. Meanwhile start putting aside money for that motel room, and for your time with your child. Do this kindly, do this gently. Just explain, you already have not enough time with your little one. And you will not give it up, so you will insure that you have one day that solely a day belonging to your son, while his Mom has a day solely belonging to her. Will it be exhausting? Yes it will. But but it is the only thing I can think will make an impact.
The other option is building a tiny house in the back yard. Haul in a shed and build it yourself one day a week. Make it yours and your sons, with you books, your TV, your sewing machine, your crayons and paint sets. And spend a day in it once a week.
PS Just read some responses below. So I think I understand that this child is his son as well. He doesn't think the child deserves some purely family time? And he is telling you what will be, not asking you. This is not good and doesn't forbode well for the future. Also, the MIL clearly needs to be in care. At 74 she may have a good two decades ahead of her. Your son will be 22 then. And I doubt you three would be together. I even get it together what is going on with money and sister. Just is too much for me. But if there is --I think I saw 1.7 million, and there are concerns, then that money needs clearly to be preserved for Mom's care, not wasted on one on one care, and there is perhaps a need for a court appointed guardian to manage all of this. Sorry, but sounds quite an awful mess with lots of cooks in the stew.
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If you contribute to bill-paying, including mortgage/rent, you have as much right to have things your way as he does. When my husband and I were married 45 years ago, his family didn’t like me and I spent years and years trying to change that. It still irks me that I let my self-respect go out the window in favor of ingratiating myself with these people. Finally, one day my husband came home and matter-of-factly told me that he had told his parents we would care for his mentally-challenged sister when they passed away. The angry meltdown I had was epic.

Respectfully and kindly put your foot down. Your child will be grown and gone before you know it. You could go out for the day with him, but you’re right, you shouldn’t have to leave your home. Tell your partner you will help find a companion for her and then get on Facebook to advertise for one. And the wages don’t come out of your pay, either. When my in-laws became elderly and FIL went to a facility, we hosted them for dinner once a month. His sibs did the other weeks. It worked for us.
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Sounds like you are dealing with a MaMa's boy, and he will never confront her, he is weak when it comes to her.

You have rights too, set your boundaries, tell him what they are and say what you mean and mean what you say. If he wants to spend the weekend with her, let him, just not at your house. And, he pays for whatever they do, not you.

If you don't put your foot down now, it will continue to get worse...not my rules, just how it works.
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You have a kid together... why are you not married? I'm not saying people have to be married to be a family or be good parents. I mean that if he loves you and your kid and wants to be with you for the long haul, why would you not be married? When I met my husband, we knew we loved the hell out of each other and didn't want to be with anyone else. Getting married was a no-brainer. We wanted to make that commitment.

Every, and I mean every, couple I know who lived together but never married are no longer together. And it makes sense, because they had one foot out the door the entire time. It's easy to walk away from someone; it's harder to get divorced.

I'm also seeing a trend on here where it's younger women with older men, and the man is... well, older. As in the woman still has a lot she wants to do, but the man would rather stay home or is not able to do much, and how unhappy it makes her. It's like none of these women saw this problem coming when they were swept off their feet by the older man. Ten years isn't a huge gap, but 30 feels different than 40.

So! I say all that to say this... given what you've told us here, this is not going to end well for you. Don't have another kid with him! He has shown you already that he is not willing to put his own family first. He has not and does not want to commit to you. Not saying he's a terrible person; I don't know him. He's just not the partner/parent you are hoping he will be. His mom isn't the problem, so much as a spotlight on the REAL problem.
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JoAnn29 Sep 7, 2019
I thought the same thing. No 10 yrs is not a huge gap but its a gap.
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When you get married or are in a defacto relationship, the home belongs to you both under the law. Therefore in my mind, decisions regarding who lives under this roof is a matter for both of you to agree on. If you don't agree I would tell him that you don't agree to MIL staying or being her care giver. Caregiving is also a choice. Noone can force you to be a carer and I'm really disgusted (sorry can't find a softer word) that your partner would try and exploit you into that role. His lack of respect for your boundaries is a real worry. I am concerned about your primary relationship going forward if he is not considering you and basically has plans to use and exploit you without consent. Therefore to me, this is an issue about your relationship and the lack of consultation and mutual communication which is not there. Your therapist is absolutely right. Seems like there is a huge power imbalance in the relationship which is really not healthy or beneficial for you. If your partner has no plans to include you in decision making, I really would think twice about what kind of relationship you are in and consider that you may have to get out - if communication and decision making doesn't improve quickly.
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April, there is such good advice on this thread for you and I sure hope you will come back sometime and give us an update on what you decide to do and how it goes for you. The prizewinner here for ME is JOANN who says that since your being there is not an issue, he says you can leave the home that day, that HE should go to HER home to do the Sunday caregiving. That sounds absolutely great to me. You and your baby have a quiet day dedicated to just the two of you and nothing more, and make him a nice dinner.
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