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I've posted a LOT. This place is kind of my "hidey hole" where I come to read, empathize and get ideas on how to better care for my aging "people".


One of my HUGE issues has been my DH's hearing loss and his choice not to address it. He thinks I non-stop chatter like a monkey and what he doesn't GET is that I am just repeating myself, endlessly.


He did have his hearing checked. The audiologist was not pushing "aids" and I don't think they really do. They let the patient decide. I had told him if he got a clean bill of health about the hearing, I'd drop it.


Well, sneaky booger, he never let me see the dr's report, Turns out he has like 80% loss in one ear and about 50% in the other. Last night he got pulled over by the Highway patrol even tho I could SEE and HEAR her. He swore she didn't have her siren on, so I asked her. Yep. She most assuredly DID.


Anyway, he was mad (no ticket, thank goodness) but he was mad b/c he has been getting pulled over a LOT lately. For small infractions, but he doesn't HEAR the siren and by the time the cop pulls him over, 10 miles later-they're steamed and he DOES get a ticket.


I had been at a play downtown and he sweetly came to get me, although I was happy to take the train. On the trip in, I sat across from a man who was with his wife and son. I realized IMMEDIATELY I was dealing with a "WHAT?" kinda guy, so I just repeated myself for 45 minutes, Getting off the train his wife whispers to me "Bet your hubby is deaf too" I said "Oh yeah, drives me batty". She said "won't wear Hearing Aids because they'll make him look old" "Yup".


As we were getting ready for bed, I shared this guy's interesting life with DH. (Not the deafness) He said "man, you must have talked his ears off". I looked at him and started to CRY, I said "I would sell my engagement ring, my diamond earrings, my anniversary band, my china and crystal, & I would NEVER buy a new car if it meant you would even TRY a pair of hearing aids." I have literally ruined my vocal chords shouting at him.


He was SO SHOCKED. He said the Dr hadn't point blank said he needed the ha/s--but I had found the clinical notes a few weeks ago and they clearly stated he was "compromised". I threw it all away.


So, after a WONDERFUL evening seeing "WICKED" with my daughter, I go to bed, crying b/c this stubborn guy will not even TRY a pair of HA. Half the men his age wear them!!!!


He did say "well, if it would shut you up a little...." to which I just said "I'm shutting up NOW."


There is a place not 1/2 mile from our home that sells the brands of aids that the dr suggested. Dh is getting the silent tx tonight, not b.c I am still mad, realistically, he's happy as a clam in his half-world--but to prove that I am NOT a chattering monkey.


I've posted about this before, and gotten wonderful support and ideas. Sadly, this guy is a dinosaur and he does't want one more thing "wrong" with him, so he ignores it all.


His mother is completely deaf, refuses to wear her aid, his sister just got a pair and I haven't heard anything about how that's going, but she went willingly.


Hubby's biggest excuse : They cost a fortune. OK, so what? We have $4K to spend and I'd rather him HEAR than take a vacation this year.


B/C he is preparing to retire, the whole "What? what? what?" thing is making me just batty.


The fact that our kids will not let him babysit b/c he can't HEAR anything should have impelled him to act. Nope, he makes it all be my fault.


Thanks for listening. I know i am not alone. Just so frustrated. If he ever had looked at his charts after his heart attacks last summer he would have seen in large red print : HOH. Hard of Hearing. Just mean all the nurse, etc had to be sure he was facing them when they spoke and then they'd have to have him repeat it back.


Just a rant. Don't expect he'll go to the hearing aid store on his own, he loves to play the role of poor "henpecked hubby" too much.

AW, dang it.

DIL refused to get involved. It's not HER father and she honestly doesn't care. I mean, when she said "Mom, I honestly don't care" I can't force her. So I asked her once to please say something to him , she shut me down and I am back to square one.

Having to tread the "in law" dynamic is very hard and I am already in "trouble" with DIL b/c she felt I had been rude and gossipy about her family. No amount of explanation can get her to realize it was her own mother that caused this unforgiveable situation. I will forever live in the MIL doghouse.

Ah well, I am going to go to this hearing aid clinic alone and see if DH will go back with me on Saturday. I am not holding my breath, he is so crabby these days you can barely talk to him.

I still have the Karaoke machine. Might be using it.
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My DHs hearing loss is from 3 yrs up. The bone behind the ear and nerves were effected. No operation for that. TG he was talking cause it could have been worse. Because of the type of damage he has, he never really hears the word. He says its like static on a radio. You turn it up hoping you can distinguish a word but the word isn't clear. I will tell him something, I get the what, tell him again, the what, then say don't worry about it. He gets upset. See, I am a talker. But have gotten to the point I only tell him what he needs to know. Maybe you need to just stop talking to husband. Write down what you need to say. Maybe he will wise up. He is missing so much.
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Brilliant idea Midkid!!
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Life is funny sometimes--I was cleaning up after a grandkid onslaught (they are like 90% wonderful at cleaning up after themselves)....but one thing they left out was the Karoake machine......oh my.

It's small, very portable and can magnify my voice to the point his ears will bleed. I can strap that thing on with the mic and just talk....no way he won't hear me.

I enjoyed my own craftiness far too much.

If he refuses to go to the audiology center with me tomorrow, I will come home and put that thing on and have a go.

It IS actually cruelty to have to make someone repeat themselves incessantly and then be called a "chattering monkey" b/c THEY can't hear.

DIL Is on her way here--I have to ask if she'll make a comment. Don't know, this isn't her circus.
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Midkid,

Can I just say, I feel your frustrations, it may be different because it is my mother who has lost 85% left ear and 60% right ear. I live with her and her TV is so loud that it drives me crazy. She really doesn't interact any more but when she does I have to yell and/or repeat myself. It can be difficult at best.

I have had hearing problems when I was a kid, and now I might be lossing my hearing in my left ear, not sure about my right ear. I will know more in a month. However, my long time BF has notice at times I am asking 'what' or did you say something? Anyways, he asked me if I was going to be like my mother who has HA but never wore it. He knows I can read lips pretty good. However, I promise that when the time comes I will get a HA! Now after reading your post I will make sure I don't put my BF through what you are going through!

I don't want to live in a world that I can't hear!

I am sorry that you have to go through such a frustrating time. Thank you for sharing!
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Well, we went to "early Bird" dinner, like old folks....and it was fine. I repeated every single thing i said at least twice. Kind of ruins a meal when your companion is sneaky pete looking at his phone the whole time.

A little sad sigh--it was 43 years ago today that I told him I loved him too (he had been haranguing me for months about this, and I was actually going to break up with him--but just couldn't do it on his b-day.)

My sister, the next day, told me to keep dating him, he'd dump me pretty soon.

Welp.....her advice was a joke. He stuck around.

We've had more joy than sorrow, more love than anger, more happiness than we deserve, so I am not sorry I married him. But I AM sorry he refuses to acknowledge his deafness and the supreme unhappiness it causes me. B/C he blames me, somehow, for all the loss of hearing, All of it.

He *may* go with me to the hearing aid store on Saturday but I would not bet a nickel on it.

A more stubborn man never lived. Even with 10 adult children begging him to deal with this, he refuses.
He is 100% like his mother in this, She has aids but won't wear them. (sigh) Don't know if I can take 15-20 more years of screaming at him.
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Well, today is DH's 67th birthday. I'm not bringing up the aids tonight, but I am not going to let this go.

I am beyond furious that he told me the audiology report said he could "likely benefit from hearing aids" and he never READ the stupid report. It was in a folder on a high shelf covered in dust, I read it through and through and some ranges of sound he simply CANNOT hear.

So consequently, family gatherings are like this: anywhere from 15-25 people (LOTS of kids) are chattering away and he pulls out his phone and reads FB until he falls asleep. Nobody tries to even engage him in conversation any more. The gkids come to me for everything, and he is jealous of the attention they give me, I have told him over and over he has to TALK to and interract with the kids, they LOVE him, it's not that, they just think he's super old and unable to do anything.

This weekend I am hauling his butt to a hearing center near us that sells the brand of aids that the audiologist "prescribed". I am kind of mad at myself for tossing that report, but at the time he had made it clear to me that he didn't need nor want HA's, wouldn't wear them if he had them.
Sadly, this is going to require a meltdown on my part, I will have to cry and be a total hysteric in order to get him to hear me. He *may* acquiesce to go, but I have few hopes.

6 years ago I left our bedroom b/c he HAS to have a TV in there and he wouldn't budge on that. PLUS the TV is up so loud....I sleep in the room downstairs and sometimes pictures have fallen off the walls, the sound is so loud. AND he has the CC on. 5 years ago I turned an extra bedroom into a den--and he says he'll move the TV in, but 6 YEARS?????? This move will take 1/2 hour. Every single day is a slap in the face reminder that I am not as important as FoxNews.

8 PM he is in bed, TV blaring, phone in one hand and a bag of snacks in the other. Only if I come in and say "I need to talk to you, please shut off the distractions" will he stop and listen. And he's never interested in what I am saying--his fingers and just twitching on those remotes....

And FORGET about ANY level of intimacy. He always says "it's your problem. Just put on noise cancelling heaphones"..but many nights he up to 2-3 am watching some show.

Grrrrrr....

thanks for letting me vent. I thought I had put this to bed and accepted it, but it still rankles my soul.
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I’m so sorry you’ve had such a long road of dealing with this. It has to be completely maddening. My MIL has had a significant hearing loss for as long as I’ve known her. There’s been mostly times of refusing to do anything about it, and a couple of times of spending big on hearing aids then refusing to wear them for any time at all. She misses so much conversation, constantly looks to my FIL to fill in the blanks for her. I refuse to raise my voice, I guess we’re both being stubborn, she won’t wear the hearing aids and I won’t yell. But I’m around her very little. For you to do this daily for years and then be accused of chattering and henpecking is just too much. Though you don’t want advice, I’m glad you got out last night and hope you’ll take breaks and go out as often as possible
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My father refused to get hearing aids even after I went with him to three appointments to be fitted for them. Never mind I had to take off work to do this. In the end he said he didn't want them. That was my hill to die on. I refused to make anymore phone calls on his behalf 'because he couldn't hear". I made sure he understood that before we left the doctor's office and he said he did only to ask me to make a call for him the following week. Took 20 minutes for him to understand that I would not be doing that. I also refuse to repeat myself and lose my voice because he can't be bothered to help himself. He didn't wan the hearing aids because he didn't like how he sounded.
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Poor you. My hubby is hard of hearing as well. I live my entire life twice when telling him something. He is constantly asking “what?” And I have to repeat news, explanations, directions, etc. he says I “mumble”. Sometimes I wonder if he just needs a minute to formulate an answer and that’s why he asks. No hearing aids for him, either.
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Fingers crossed for your daughter!
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My husband can read lips to a point. The problem I have is in one breath he'll say he didn't hear me and in the next swear he heard it all. I keep telling him missing one word will change a sentences meaning. He is 72 and dealing with hearing loss since he was 3.

Believe me, when your husband gets his aids he will wish he did it sooner. He will realize how much he has missed.

My problem is we do not socialize much because of his hearing.
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Remind DIL to lay it on with a trowel about hearing loss leading to neural deficits, and once one bit of your brain starts closing down... (shake head solemnly...).

'Tis at least partly true!

I was holding my breath reading about the constant repetition and having to talk yourself hoarse just to get through. Couldn't stand it when my parents started with the "what?" "sorry?" "don't mumble!" at each other, still makes me tense to think about it now.

Sigh. Just hugs.
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Thanks, Can't Dance,

Both methods have been tried and met with utter disdain.

My DIL, who is a Dr. is coming to town this weekend to have her hair done. (You can blow $1000 on an airline ticket and a $400 cut and color when you make enough money :)

He ADORES HER. I am going to straight up ask her to check out h'a's. Anything she says is golden.

Thanks for the response.
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Midkid,

I can so relate to your frustration, but in a different way. Both parents refused help for obvious deficiencies until a crisis, or train wreck decided it for them.

You mentioned your DH getting pulled over a lot lately, which implies his hearing loss may be a contributing factor to traffic violations. Minor though they be, they send up a red flag to me of safety issues. After all, we rely on our ears, as well as our eyes and reflexes as we drive. Your DH sounds like a hard case. So is mine, so I get it.

I know you didn't ask for suggestions, but I'm going to toss a couple of ideas your way. Would bringing the driving safety issue to your DH make a difference? I'm thinking probably not.

Could you fight fire with fire? What would happen if you quit barking yourself hoarse, and keeping a pencil and little notebook with you at all times, communicate with notes (if a gesture won't do)? DH might, out of sheer irritation look into hearing aids. Granted, it would be a major inconvenience for you, too. But what could be worse than constant shouting? He'll question you, of course. Tell him you're tired of shouting. Tell him that in the absence of HA's, this will be your preferred method of communication here on out (even if perhaps, it isn't).

How aggravating this must be! My sympathies!

Sometimes it takes a big gesture to make a point.
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