89 years old. Lives alone. Multiple serious hospitalizations this past year.
Went to in patient rehab 2x after hospitalization then sent home. Uses rollator at home. Requires help but will deny it. After her firing a housekeeper many years ago I took over the roll. (Mistake)
During the ensuing years her condition deteriorated..chf.. mild stroke.. 2 serious surgeries. I am getting older. (65). I have been asking for the last year for help with cleaning her house. Sister said no..doesn't clean her own house. After last hospitalization..Mom and sister agreed to get help at home. Mom always refused any home health care..threw them out of house. Now she is doing the same with this housekeeper except she is saying she cant afford it. She can. She is trying to guilt me into taking on the cleaning again. I am saying no..too much for me now. Today she told me "then why are you here. I dont need you here."
Needless to say I am hurt..furious..I want to just cut her out of my life. She has a nasty demeanor to her personality and was very difficult during her hospital stays. So yes the life is being sucked out of me and I am feeling it in my own health.
I know I need to step back and tend to myself. But it's easier said than done. Just venting I guess. No one really understands here at home but I knew after reading everyone's story I am not alone. She refuses AL..cant afford it...I told her yes she can. Sell the house!
Thanks anyway.

You are not your mother’s servant. It sounds as though she is a bully, and hopes to bully you into doing whatever she wants from you. It is hard work and unhealthy for you, helping someone who is like this and who is abusive to you in return. Echoing what others have said here, give yourself a break from this and stay away for a while. If she calls, tell her you’re not available at the moment. You don’t have to give a reason why. It’s very hard to break a lifetime’s habit of trying to help and appease people like this, but you really don’t need to feel guilty. Put yourself first for a change, you are worth it!

I agree with the others. Unless she changes in some ways your efforts are fruitless and not worth it givin her negativity and total lack of appreciation for what you have done.
You have tried seriously to help her and she has shown no appreciation so you should not continue unless there is some give to all she is taking.

What would happen if you weren’t there or had to quarantine for two weeks? Take a break. She wants her own way and you seem to have to jump to see that she gets it. Please just stop. You will never make her happy.

Hi Mary. Sorry to hear that your mother is being so difficult. Put your foot down and tell her, at 65 years old, I simply am NOT cleaning your house anymore, period. It's too much for me, I can't do it. If she responds in a nasty way, that she doesn't need you there, then leave and say goodbye. Wait for HER to call YOU to say she's sorry or ask you for a favor. THEN decide what you are and are not able to do for her.

I was cleaning the shower floor out myself the other day (I'm 63) and had trouble getting back up into a standing position again. I wound up cutting my ankle pretty badly on the chrome of the shower door and thought to myself, WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY FOR DOING THIS??? Hire someone.

Since your mother can afford to hire a cleaning service, that's what she needs to DO. Your cleaning days are behind you now!

Lay down some firm boundaries with your mother and then let HER make her decisions accordingly. And pay the consequences as well. We are all responsible for our own decisions, good and bad. And lots of folks will push their children as far as they possibly can until they hear the word No.

No is a complete sentence. Practice saying it until it rolls off your lips easily! :)
Good luck!

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