Wow... life changed in the blink of an eye since Daddy's stroke, but some interesting things have happened...
He has become my hero again. I can distinctly remember the moment when I realized that Daddy wasn't the guy that I put on this pedestal. Rather, he was a rather violent, controlling and manipulative man that had turned into a miserable sick grump, and I SOOOO resented every moment of caregiving. For the past four years I have been to h*ll and back trying to figure out what's best for Dad and darn near killing myself in the process worrying about HIS needs and HIS wants and sacrificing my own.
...but seeing him fight hard to recover and have a positive attitude (which is rare) in spite of his limitations reminded me that there is some good in the guy.
It's still hard to try to balance everything, but now that I have a solid transition plan in place and amazing
help (and a Plan B and C if everything goes to S***), I feel oddly calm. It's like something... released in me and I'm not so PI**ED off anymore.
Instead, I'm grateful that Dad made it through a stroke, still alive and with minimal side effects. I mean, I NEED someone to fight with (smile). I'm grateful that at the end of everything I won't feel guilty about not spending time with him (unlike his other children who do NOTHING... yet I digress), and I'm grateful for this ... SHIFT.
I still get impatient and feel horrible about it, but I think that things will be easier once we get in one place together and there aren't so many moving pieces to this machine. I'm going in fully aware that there will be NEW challenges, but there's just something... different.
He's still ornery, stubborn and can be downright mean... but He's Dad, and I want whatever time we have left to be less strained.