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I'm so glad that this site exists, it helps me so much.


I've been my husband's care giver for over 1 1/2 years. He had a stroke, quadruple by pass and many other medical problems. It seems like 1 step forward and 2 or 3 steps backward. I'm so burned out and exhausted that I can barely take care of myself. Thanks all. Peace, dawn1947.

Hi Dawn - your husband has so many health issues of his own. He can't and won't see beyond his own needs. So, you will have to be your own advocate. Take the breaks you NEED or else your body and mind will give up. And I think you're about there already.

If you can only do one thing to help yourself, make it sleep. Try to get plenty of sleep. It is so important. Your body and mind rest and rejuvenate while you sleep. If you need a pill now and then to help you along, do it. It's that important.

You have 2 people to take care of. One of the 2 is you. Please don't neglect yourself.
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You don't say how old you are. Don't agree with Sunriser. Don't think DH will see 90. And if he does its out of pure stubborness.

All of you with husbands like this should ask them if they want to be remembered with love. Because, if they don't start treating you as a person with feelings and not as a slave, you will have no more love left. Their death will be a goodsend. And the next time they r in the hospital/rehab and want to send them home, you may say no.

Dawn, it all depends on the money you have. If not much, call Medicaid and ask if you can get homecare. Call your Office of Aging and see what resources they have. If you have some money, look into respite care. Even a week or two will give you some time to yourself to think things thru. Maybe ask for a Hospice evaluation. If he qualifies, you can get an aide. If he bulks, tell him that you no longer can care for him alone. If he doesn't go along with it, then a home is in his future.
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Devine, I don't know why, but can't respond to any of the individual posts.

Yes, you are normal. I would say your husband was selfish before just worse now he is ill. My Dad was very demanding of my Mom. I felt when he died she could now have a life. Her whole life had been Dad, her children and Church, in that order. Dad had been on disability since he was 52. I walked in on Mom really upset with my Dad. She told me that they don't tell you when you say those vows that when they are old you will be too and don't feel like putting up with their s_ _ t. She was mad because after 25 yrs of Dad being home 24/7 she wanted to know when it was her time to retire, he said never and meant it. He passed just short of his 80th birthday. She had maybe eight years before Dementia set in fully. She was able to do her own thing for a while.

Me, don't think I will have this problem. I married a man the complete opposite of my Dad.
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I think MANY men of a certain age and above simply don't DO caregiving. It's not that they are bad or anything, it's just lack of knowledge or guidance or not seeing their fathers do this, no role models.

Caregiving is a woman's job...right?

I was on the forefront of so many illnesses and accidents of my DH's...and he couldn't see fit to stay in the hospital waiting room for 3 hrs when I had my first back surgery. Dr had to track him down at our daughter's --where he'd gone to sleep b/c "the hospital didn't have anywhere for him to lay down". Dr was LIVID and kept me in the hospital for 4 days b/c he knew I had no help or care at home.

2 years later, same thing. Dh has had multiple incidents where he has been in need of 24/7 care (liver transplant, chemo, stroke, motorcycle accident, rock climbing accident, 2 heart attacks (in June.July this year) and it is EXPECTED that I be front and center of all his care.

When I have surgery, he tosses a can of Diet Coke at me and wishes me a "good day" and says he'll call "one of our girls" to check on me later.

MANY TIMES I have been VERY upfront about what I NEED, but he just does not get it.

Luckily, my son doesn't take after him in this regard--he is stellar in caring for his wife and family.

In fairness, some people, men or women, are simply not cut out to be CG's.
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i Have been taking care of my husband for over 3 years the last 3months hav been downhill ever day and he doesn’t want anyone to do anything for him and xcept me. I am burned out I have no feelings left and I feel guilty about it am I normal
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Dawn, I commented on your other post, but will address your comment about your husband not asking what you need.

Mum's neighbour has been looking after her husband at home for over 5 years. During that time he has not once thanked her. Not once in 5 years. She now wishes that she had put him in a home 5 years ago instead of keeping him at home. She has some help through Home Support and he thanks them, but never once his wife.

You may ask why does she continue to keep him at home? Well he has been at Death's door for a few years and of course rebounds. Each time he declines, she thinks, this must be the end, I can endure it for another month, but that month turns into a year.

She has daily laundry, due to soiled bedding, clothing etc. She can only leave the house for a few hours a week, when there is home care. The only time she had a break was when he was in rehab for a couple months after breaking a leg.

What options are available in your community for help? Home care/support? Nursing home? Respite Care? Family or friends.

Remember your health and well being are just as important as your husband's. If he says not to help in the house, you tell him the help is for you not him.
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Has he ever asked you what you need?

In these situations you need to get what you need, regardless if he agrees or not. I think people tend to get very self centered and selfish when they become ill. Like they are the only ones that matter and that's ok, it is what it is.

As his main caregiver you need to be healthy and balanced to continue to provide him with care, so hire a caregiver as often as you want and take care of you.

Let us know how you accomplish this.

Hugs, you matter a great deal!
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If 1947 is your birth year you are 70yo so I do sympathize. The important thing is that someone take the burden off you at least for 3-4 hours per day. If relatives cannot do it then you could get a private home health aid from many Senior Care companies. If your husband is around your age he could still live to 90 plus despite the stroke and bypass so be sure to do something before you find yourself with a major health problem. I hate to say this but it could actually cause you to be institutionalized. Don't get sucked down the drain Dawn get help at minimum 3-4 hours per day. It may cost you $30 per hour but over all it's worth it. You could also (I think) deduct that cost from your combined taxable income (worth looking into).
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oops, I meant I keep asking.....dawn1947❤️
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