My brother and I are our mom's only two children. He has always been the favorite. I am at a loss as to how to deal with my so called family.

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It never really bothered me too much until now. He recently told me he is going to see a lawyer with Mom to have her POA changed. Seems the state changed some laws about POAs and she needs to do a new one. No one asked me to go with them. I was left off the original POA and am sure I will be left off this as well. I told him that he needs an alternate in case he couldn't do his duty or was sick or died. No one wants to seek guardianship. He agreed that "someone" would be an alternate. I think he is planning on putting his 28 years old son on as alternate.

This just makes me angry. My brother has 10 more years to work, my nephew (a very nice young man) is a baby who lives at home under his Dad's close supervision. My SIL is a workacholic. I am retired.

My brother has told me "we" will take care of Mom together. However, I am never included in these financial decisions or planning. Mom is paranoid and really doesn't want ANYONE knowing anything. But has lied about me to try and keep me away from her money. She has a good bit and she needs to have some check and balances. No one is dishonest, or at least, I didn't think so until now.

Both are aware they have hurt me deeply. My husband is baffled at their selfishness and insensitivity. But it seems my brother gets some warped joy out of letting me know I am not included and as he said it will never be 50/50 with handling the financial details of Mom's business.

My feelings are, if I am not good enough to be privy to Mom's elder planning, POAs, etcc. I am not good enough to take care of her. She can go to the AL or NH in their home town. At least I live far away, but believe me, when she needs help, they will be calling me in a New York minute. They do nothing, and I mean nothing, for her now.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with my so called family. My husbands says just be nice and pleasant and ignore them. Maybe. Any other advice from my friends on this site? This does hurt.

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Many hugs to you Madge. It sounds like you managed to "turn out all right" inspite of the poor upbringing you had. You are obviously a survivor. I can't imagine what strength it takes to maintain your self-esteem in these circumstances. Maybe you could adopt your husband's attitude a little more, and laugh it off sometimes.

Joan's advice is worth more than mine -- she's been there! -- but here is my suggestion: Collect brochures and materials from various long term care facilities and in-home care providers. If your brother tries again to tell you that you WILL take care of your mom, give him that material. Tell him you will be happy to help decide how mom will be caref for, but YOU WILL NOT DO IT YOURSELF.

Even if they put you as the alternate POA I would not change my advice on that.

My mother is as far from narcissistic as one can get, but I've read enough horror stories on these discussion boards to know that trying to provide direct care for such a person is a very masochistic undertaking. Don't do it! Don't negotiate for the right to make decisions in exchange for doing it. You may not be "corporate" (what a silly notion) but you deserve much better than what other sick people would force upon you.

Good luck!
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Joan, thank you. I have done alot of reading about narcissists and, yes, both have these traits. My brother has been warned by me that things need to be 50/50. Why? because without this set up he will try to "delegate" to me while he goes his merry way. I know this from the past. He has always been a little selfish but otherwise an ok guy. He fancies himself some sort of "mover and shaker".

Both of us suffered from the narcissism of our parents. I suffered more so because I was a girl. And the scapegoat. I have read the wonderful site "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com" and see so many, many things that fit my family.

My husband laughs at my brother.Neither my brother nor I have have a college degree. Has worked his way up in a very small company, and thinks he is "corporate", as I have heard him say. It is laughable. His son is college educated as is his wife. But so is my husband, and all three daughters. I chose to stay home and raise three little girls who were two years apart (twins).

I guess my brother thinks he is so smart and wonderful he can tell me what to do and I will just cave. He told me recently that "you WILL take care of Mom." Like I was a little kid instead of a sixty year old woman. He just has rough edges and they are starting to irritate me a bit

But you know and I know in the end Karma comes around and that makes me smile. With these two selfish people, it is already happening but it is still very hurtful.
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(((((((Madge)))))))))
"My feelings are, if I am not good enough to be privy to Mom's elder planning, POAs, etcc. I am not good enough to take care of her."
I agree totally with that you wrote, The inequities and hurts never stop, do they?
As your brother hasn't said who will be second, what I would do is say that you are willing to be second, if they want your involvement in mum's care. If they don't want you as second, you will NOT be involved in mum's care, so don't call. Sounds like a pretty typical narcissist mum/golden child/scapegoat situation, and you are cinderella who sits in the ashes and is supposed to do the work, but doesn't get the benefits - and no doubt, gets blamed when anything goes wrong, I would consider under what conditions you are prepared to be involved - the above scenario or whatever feels right to you, lay it out in writing to both bro and mum (if she is sufficiently compos mentis) so there is a record you can refer to, and stick to it.

As I get older, I have decided that I cannot continue to "be nice and pleasant" in return for bad treatment. It is not good for my health and stress levels, Not that I am not civil, nor do I start things, but I don't anymore let family members get away with saying or doing whatever they want, and then pretending it didn't happen, especially when they want my support. However, I do choose my responses carefully and, if it is small, I may let it go. Essentially, i have given myself permission to stick up for me. Those coming from a family with a narcissist know that doesn't come easily,

Usually when you establish a boundary with a narcissist (does your bro have any of those tendendcies?) the games escalate, so be aware of that and think about how you will deal with it, and keep your boundary in tact. To borrow from Ron White's phrase - You can't fix narcissism" .

I know how these things hurt. More ((((((hugs))))) and let us know what you decide.

Joan
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