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I haven't posted much in a while but I am a lone caregiver. My parents are now in memory care. Pretty much all my family (3 siblings) and all my mom's siblings and cousins have pretty much turned their backs on me and my parents.


Well... I know I shouldn't look at facebook.. but I just cant keep myself from doing it ... Anyway my sister (who hasn't spoken to me or checked on my mom and dad in about a year... is starting to post on facebook.. praying for distant cousins about this and that.. saying happy birthday to distant relatives who she hasn't communicated with in years.. all the while let my birthday go by with nothing... and my mom's and my dad's.


I just can't control the anger from this.. and to stop thinking about how fake she is.. pretending to the rest of the "family" that she is this caring person.. and.. they are buying it..I guess its easy to be "loving" to people who don't really need it.


I shouldn't be looking at facebook, and I shouldn't let this bother me.. but it does.. sure wish these losers didn't still have such an affect on my life.


Just don't get how you can turn your back on your sister and parents (who you seemingly used to care for).. and have the gall to post about "pray for my brother because he lives near the hurricane ".. my brother who she hasn't seen in over 10 years.


This is just a vent.. I need a punching bag with her fake face on it!!! I hope someday she is alone and needs support and signs on to facebook and sees something equally as fake and disgusting!@!!~

InMyShoes: I am sorry that your brother posted on a social media platform about his failing health. That said, perhaps he secured his account and/or posted to persons HE designated. It is still hurtful~I get it!
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Where you should post. There is a site called CaringBridge.org
(Do not confuse by adding an s or .com)
You can post how your LO is doing, photos, pleasent past memories, a diary, by you or LO. You control access. There are other pages for requests for help, a calendar to coordinate help, rides, shopping, visitors.
Maybe you can get a friend or member of volunteer group to set it up. I don't think it has a page to request money, but you can list items needed, and people with access can buy them for you. Again, you control who can see each level.
It was a great help to my Aunt as she fought cancer, and for her friends. It created a way for friends, church members....you can allow access to members of a church you are not a member of, Volunteer groups.
Most schools and many private colleges require a minimum of volunteer hours. It looks good on college applications and job applications. So let people looking to help someone, on their time schedule, plug themselves in. It also allows backup people to be listed. So if person who is supposed to help today, can't, or is a no show, you backup person is on the calendar. It is a great tool!

Think outside the box! A photographer did a photo study of my Grandma. It was part of the his Master's project, but amatures may also be interested. He spent hours visiting, interviewing her, working on puzzles together, or taking pictures when Grandpa did puzzles with her.
This rapport allowed GP to take a break, grabs nap, run to the store, or do his hobby. That really helped his Mental Health!
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I don't know why so many people need to post so much on Facebook. I just found out from Facebook that my brother has congestive heart failure. Why would he post it on Facebook before telling his family?
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Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat, Facetime= who can or wants to keep up with it? I know one person with a total of 27 Facebook accounts. I have to say--didn't we all get by just fine without all of those time wasters?
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Hello Katie,

we do feel your pain and isolation..... you can ease both on this site as so many of us have experienced what your going through....

My grumpy old pa died last year and I miss him so much.... I do not miss the two faced hypocrites .... my sisters!

when our dad was drawing his last breath.... my sister was ten minutes away and said ‘I’m in the middle of a shampoo and set, I’ll be there later’...

Yes .... too late.... but was first in the que to receive her share of inheritance.

Stay strong Katie xx
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I am so sorry and I completely understand. I was in similar situation. I watched my Mother’s married grandchildren post about great grandparents and grandparents within their families, but never call, visit or send a card or acknowledge my mother (their grandmother) at all. For years. All while I was lonely sole caregiver to my bedridden Mother. I have 4 sisters and now I say I “had” 4 sisters. One sister lives 10 minutes away and didn’t see Mom for well over a year until the viewing. It is painful to see true colors come through. I too bore witness to the fake personas they present to others. It is vile and sickening. Now I choose to never engage with any of them ever again. Had to walk away. Realized, by doing that, I lost nothing. Gained by it. Surrounded now by loving, caring people who I share mutual respect with. Family should be there through the good and bad times. When they aren’t, you need to remember it and know to not think they can be counted on in the future. Consequences of abandonment. Best wishes to you and do your best to find strength and set your boundaries with them.
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I have to admit I have never had FB acct and never will. I think FB would be good for a business, but for personal use...I see it hurting people more than helping. As social media gets bigger the more our humanity declines. We are hardwire to interact with eachother, we need human contact, hugs, touching, face-to-face contact. As someone stated "social media has messed this world up". (I won't use their colorful words, but you get my point!)
I would close the FB acct. As another person stated "the whole thing of following and the likes is childish" and it is. Why put yourself through something so hurtful when you are already dealing with so much grief. And really, we all are on this site! We lose our family (as a whole as well as individully) because of a disease that has no rym or reason to it. We lose people we love or we end up taking care of people who should have loved us but didn't. We lose ourselves. Our world becomes so different that we don't even understant it any more. You have enough grief to deal with.
And like so many of you, I have a brother who I have never gotten along with, but for everything my mother has done for him he will only help her if she pays him, and he was like that with my dad as well.

I believe people reap what they sow! In my experience I have seen it. One day your sister will come to realize that she missed out the last few years she could of had with your parents but didn't! And there will be a time when she will need help or compassion, and no one will be there. Call it the laws of the universe if you will. I don't even understant why this happens, it just does.

She will need you someday or perhaps need someone and you won't be there for whatever reason, she'll have to feel the pain. Don't waste your time and energy on her. Believe me it is not worth it, and I speak on experience. I have wasted so much of my time and energy on getting mad over what people have said, and things that I had no control over and they wasn't even worth it. Because at the end all we have is God, ourselves, and if we're lucky a few people that love us for us. As some many have said, "take care of you & enjoy your life"

May God help you through your difficult time. God bless you.
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At the time, I didn’t have a FB account. One niece asked me if so-and-so niece just helped me with grandma (my mom). I said no. Seems this so-and-so niece (plus her parents) convey to people that they’re helping me with my bedridden mom and dad. Yet they don’t 100%. It worked. When my parents passed away, people praised them for taking very good care of mom and then dad. Most people looked at me blankly when my other siblings corrected them by saying I was their caregiver.

It is a bitter experience. For your sanity, I’d recommend either unfriend them or do the option to hide their posts. If you unfriend them, they will know. If you hide their posts, they won’t know.
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Glad, yes this is social media but it is anonymous. So you won't have family members trying to taunt you with all their glamorous news, i.e. holidays etc.

Sure, complete strangers on this site could brag and some do but it doesn't sting as much when it's a stranger, at least that's my opinion.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes social media can be helpful. The information highway so to speak. You can look stuff up and sometimes people can set up GoFundme pages to solicit help, which is nice if it's legit.
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Oh hon, I have a brother and many cousins like yours. I chose to open up a new Facebook page and only let "my friends" into. It is so darn hard to read all that BS knowing they just are trying to be blind to what is happening. It is called denial, the elephant in the living room, please do not take it to heart. Not worth it. My beautiful Mom taught me this, she was not the one with dementia but lost her life on earth to soon for me. Hugs to you my friend If you open a new Facebook let me know ❤️
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Isn't AC social media too?
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First of all I'd like to say that I think social media, not just F B is one of the reasons the world is so F**ked up. People have forgotten how to talk face to face. Social graces are out the window. People who are introverted somehow feel like they have lots of friends (people they don't really know) and don't pursue getting out and making real friends. It's unhealthy I M O.

F B is just one problem. There's instagram, twitter, cloud, snapchat, you name it.

I was a F B member for about a year. The reason I quit was A: my one sister spent her time ranting about Donald Trump ad nauseum. B: an old boyfriend (actually not even a boyfriend) just this random guy who I dated a couple of times, contacted me and actually thought I'd still be interested 30 years later. I was actually insulted to be honest.

As far as people bragging. People who brag are usually insecure and need to project that they are having such a great life cause they are probably really not having such a great life. They are trying to convince themselves actually.

And just remember too, that anyone can post anything. It doesn't mean it's actually true.
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Zuckerberg created Facebook as an addiction and that is has become for many. And to some extent Facebook is akin to "fake news." Sure, that is hurtful what they post about you so do not engage in acrimony.
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Katiekay
im so sorry to hear the reason behind your siblings behavior. That is awful and really sad they don’t have any sense of humanity. Set your boundaries that are in YOUR best interest. If that means deleting her on FB, then do it. You will not miss seeing her posts. In the Bible there is a piece about Jesus saying how the Jewish Pharisees did what they did to show off how devout they were when indeed it was to impress others. Matthew 23:5. Sounds a bit like her behavior. Also Matthew 6:1. Not a Christian life when your actions don’t match.
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There have been all kinds of studies that say social media can cause depression. I had the same problem when dealing with my family on Facebook except the situation was reversed. My family actually unfriended me because they don't think I've done my fair share. Of course, it's not true. I stopped constantly defending myself and just realized they are never going to change. I was about to get off of Facebook entirely because I saw how fake it was … until a friend suggested I stay on it and find others who have the same interests as I do. I'm having a great time now. I don't even think about my lying family anymore. But some more advice is to let the anger go with your sister/family because it is only hurting you. People will continue to have a high opinion of themselves that is not based in reality. The only one who is getting hurt by this is you. Don't waste your time anymore. Focus on the things you enjoy in life. Been there, and wish you the best.
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I suggest you keep your FB because it's a way for you to have contact with the world. FB isn't really the problem. My sister doesn't have FB, and I feel that same resentment and anger when I hear of her discussing our mother when in reality, my sister chose no contact with our mom. It enrages me. As time passes, I'm better. I care about my sister and wish her well. Please look at the advice above from ConnieMH71. I am trying to not visit every day. Please continue to come to this safe site and vent. Venting, expressing your real feelings, necessary part to your mental health.
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FaceBook is not necessary to live your life. I got teased for deactivating my account but soon realized those “friends” don’t communicate with me any other way. I have a handful of friends and family members ranging four decades in age that also do not use it. We communicate by telephone, text and yes, sorry to the environment - cards. We can laugh, cry and vent the true details and not broadcast it to the world. All of us are dealing with similar situations. Ignore your sister. She is just looking for any attention she can get. Focus on you and what you need to cope. Deactivating Facebook was like finally getting rid of acne.
Best wishes to you
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Get off of Facebook. It can sometimes create great anger and jealousy among friends and family, and cause many people to become depressed.
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Oh, I feel your pain. Let me share my advice and my story.
When it comes to FB and distant relatives, let it be. If she is sharing untruths to friends or family members, reach out to them directly. Say how you wish she would be more involved, or at least I contact!
First you need to reach out to her in kindnesd, at a level beyond what you feel she deserves. Do it repeatedly.
On FB, post about your Mom. Focus on her good days. Ask for prayers/support on her bad days. You don't have to be specific. Just say if there has been a new development, a concerning change..
Post some photos of your good days. Get Mom's permission!

As Michelle O'Bama said, " When they go low, we go high."
Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they really are, Believe Them."

Your sister may be trying to fool herself. Or be trying to build new bridges, because she has burned so many.
My family fell apart when my father died. The sister with POA is a control freaks. She actually believed she had the legal authority to say who could be in the state of AZ ( Dad was a snowbird), & who had to return to the Midwest, and when! I had to pay $1,000 to an attorney to get copies of Trust documents after he died. She had the copies made and printed when we were all in AZ.

When I would not leave when she had to return to work, she locked me out of the house and had my stuff packed and put on the back patio. Leaving me homeless, out of state, because she was concerned about my being unemployed at the time. Yeah...that makes sense.

She lied to and manipulated family & friends. Five years later I got critically ill. It happened days before a family reunion. Oh, my sister's were so very concerned I front of family, but the only get well card I got from them were 2 group cards.
No visits, no offers of help, not even another card. Once a year she would call. She would ask about me and the kids. Then she would write her holiday letter as if everything was great and we talked all the time. This continued for years. Slowly I let family and friends know the truth. I tried to reach out to her, and my other sister, who was even more distant. When years of doing so made no change, word apparently got back to her that no one was buying her lies. I stopped getting the annual calls.
Years later, when that daughter got married, she pressured her not to invite me and told her not to put anything about the wedding on FB, so I wouldn't find out. The Bride & Groom paid for the wedding, but she feared her mother's rath would spoil it, if she didn't do as told.
Then she went to the table my son's we're at and said, so many could hear, " I am so sorry your mother couldn't make it." My sons had the class to say absolutely nothing in response.
Now, my brother, invited us all to visit their forever home they are building out west. His invitation said, "Let's get the gang back together!" He made it very clear he wanted an event focused on ending this rediculous behavior!
They would pay for our airfare. One sister lives 20 minutes from the airport. I was willing to drive 3-4 hours to fly out of the major city airport, rather than have them pay the extra cost of my flying from here.
The sister I asked didn't respond. The other, wrote back, speaking for everyone, she was sure! Telling me I was not welcome & to get a hotel and cheap parking. (I now use a wheelchair or walker most of the time).
I didn't expect a Yes from either of them, even though we were all on the same flight. I just needed to be able to say I asked and was refused before asking other friends.
I live off SS. I am doing this to save my brother 1/2 the cost on airfare. They don't care. They are looking for any way to exclude me.
Then building delays caused them to reschedule the event till next spring.
So that sister wrote suggesting that they set up individual visits, to make it easier for my brother. She definitely wanted to nix the "Getting the Gang (siblings) back together" idea!
Our father died in 2002.
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Enshope said it very well. I’m going to tell you what I needed to hear to help set new boundaries to keep myself going.
Remember, you are drained emotionally and physically, and that can be a big part of why your reactions to your sisters Facebook comments are annoying you so much. I won’t tell you to block your siblings, that would be vengeful in my book, but you don’t need to read them if you don’t want to. And, you DO NOT need to visit your parents everyday!! That’s the high standard you’ve set for yourself and you are not giving yourself time to relax and breath. You need it and it’s a good, smart thing to do! If you do allow yourself time off you will be amazed at the relief it will give you. On the days I didn’t visit my mother she actually interacted more with others. She was safe, taken care of and not alone. Don’t build walls with resentment and hurt between family that will be hard to take down and will take years to mend. Your parents would not want that I’m sure. Your parents will not be here for much longer, but the rest of your family will be and you may end up being very lonely.
Can you talk to your siblings and just give a cheery “Just wanted to call and see how you’re doing and fill you in on how mom and dad are at the moment.” That may definitely help crack open a new door of communication and it’s taking the high road to take.
Don’t try to get even, it’s not what your siblings are doing and saying as much as it is how you react. Give yourself a break!! This site is the perfect place to vent and we’ve all needed it over and over again.
Enjoy a meal out with friends just to have fun and laugh together. Don’t talk about your parents or family problems, just have fun.
May God give you peace and guidance for each new day.
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If you can use Facebook for any kind of emotional respite or window to the outside world, continue to use it. As others have said, if it is just making you miserable, take a break or whatever. You can either unfollow your sister or put her on a 30-day snooze/time out too. I have a very political cousin who I continue to snooze every time the 30 days expire but haven't gone so far as to unfollow him. People like to feel good about themselves and your sister will probably never have the self-awareness to see how shallow her behavior is. I'm sorry.
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Vent away! Go outside and scream profanities at her! Or go for a walk.
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I can emphasize totally. I have a brother who has been supported his whole life and his wife and kids now are part of the money drain. Mom thinks they are all wonderful and they live off her, owning businesses bought by her, going on vacations paid for by her, golfing, etc. I quit Facebook for that reason, sick of seeing how the "other half lives" while I pinch pennies, care for Mom, and live as her unpaid caregiver so she can stay in her home.
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You can delete your sister from FB or unfollow looking in on her every so often. You can also suspend your FB acct. Then unsuspend when you are ready to view it again.

Unfollow your sister for now. What you don't see won't hurt u or get u mad.

One thing both my brothers did was thank me for what I did for Mom. But...they hardly saw her or called. My one brother, who lives 8 hrs away, told my husband he couldn't see my Mom that way. I understand but I dealt with it every day. I would love to get into peoples heads and see how they think. Why out of 3 children or more, one is expected to do it all while the rest go on their merry way. But when the parent dies, they are right there for the money that maybe left.

If you are Executor of parents wills, make sure you take your 6%. You are entitled to it.
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I’m the original Facebook hater and refuse to have it at all. For my generation I believe it’s largely the “my life is better than yours” online bragsheet that I choose to live without. I’d encourage you to delete it entirely and choose instead to focus on the blessings in your life, including those associated with the care you have for your parents. Even in the long, hard road of caregiving there are good things and positives you’ll always treasure
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Take a deep breath, it is all just for show. People that need to GLOAT about how wonderful things are, are just trying to compensate for how empty their lives really are... Same with me, I have 2 brothers with kids, but my husband and I are the only ones visiting my mom. You need to let the "fake news" go. It is not good for your health to get that upset, even when a lot of it is just bs..

Take pride in knowing you are doing the right thing.
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Block your sister! Just block her. You can still enjoy your friends on facebook but you will not have to see her stuff at all. Just because she is "family" doesn't mean you have to deal with her. She has made her decisions. You just keep on being the good person that you are and do not allow her poison to seep into your life. You have too much going on. Once you block her, you will not see any of her posts anywhere. You can still be friends with your extended family but you will not see anything of hers on even their sites. Hugs and prayers to you.
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I want you to realize that you and your sister are living in two different worlds. You are living in the compassionate and kind world and she does not. I want you to realize that you can only have her come into your world if she is going to operate according to your lifestyle. She is not able to do that for some reason; therefore, she really has no business being in your world. I have a sister and two brothers. None operate in my world; therefore, I operate according to what I believe in and I am perfectly satisfied and happy with it. An example of two different worlds is that I do not drink and don't allow alcohol in my home. They are all heavy drinkers; therefore, they do not come to my home for even a dinner!!! They cannot have a dinner without alcohol involved. So, I go to their homes and leave when things get crazy. I drive myself to events so I do not have to argue about drinking and driving. It is very calming for me have these life choices that promote my health.

The problem is she will need your kindness and compassion some day and you will probably give it to her because that is the kind of person you are. God designed you the way you are and I would celebrate that because you and I both know it is a WAY better life choice than the world she has chosen.
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I can relate to seeing posts on facebook making you angry. My sister goes on at least three nice vacations a year, spends all summer at Met games while I am at the nursing home with our mom. Anytime I ask her if she can go on a weekend if I have plans I get a sorry I can't go, mom is darn lucky she gets as many visitors as she does ; it won't kill her to have no one for a day.  Such compassion.  I would love to be able to go away on a week vacation. I have not had a vacation in years since my mom got sick. She was home with me before she had to go into a skilled nursing facility after she had repeated falls and is unable to stand and barely walk without any assistance.  My brother lives in Florida and he is in his own world with his young girlfriend and baby. I am lucky if he calls his mother once a month. His girlfriend won't allow him to be on the phone when he gets in from work each night.  I just don't get how people can think its okay to let one sibling shoulder the caregiving job all alone.   Its gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around my siblings.  Any time I have asked my sister if she could go see mom on a weekend I either get no response or I can't go I am busy.  When I think how much I helped my sister when she had post partum depression with all three of her girls. I took vacation time from work to help her and stayed with her young girls when she went on a 10 day vacation to Hawaii and now I never hear from my nieces; they barely visit their grandmother who is the only living grandparent they have.  Its so hard not to let all these things get to you.  Thank god for this forum.  I think so many people deal with the same issue of having no support or help from their siblings.
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Hi.
You carry so much anger within, that it can make you sick.
First know, that it is normal to harbor anger about relatives who claim to care but do nothing concrete to help, other than send prayers and good wishes. Keep your expectations low. This way, if anyone does do something helpful, it will be a pleasant surprise and you will not be disappointed with low expectations.
I sometimes feel the need to vent too, because I am chief caretaker for my mother and trying to keep her in her own home.
My sister is out of town and does very little outside of phone calling once a week. We see her maybe for 3 days every 2 years!
It is so easy to burn out. Take some ME time each day to do something positive...like reading a good book, soaking in a tub, etc.
Think about it though...are you doing what you hope someone would do for you if you needed it? Are you doing, ,what is in your heart.... the right thing? If yes, then you are acting out of love and I hope you give yourself some credit.
Stay away from Social Media too...in a study they found it can cause depression in some people.
Remember that this stage of your life will not last forever. Do the best you can, take time out for yourself, low expectations of others and remember that this too, will not last. Good luck
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