Is it wrong to wish my mother-in-law would pass away?

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My partner and I lost our jobs last year and then our home to foreclosure as a result. After losing our home, we had to move in with my mother-in-law to take care of her because she has COPD from smoking for so many years, is on oxygen 24/7 and can barely walk. We help her to the bathroom, prepare her meals and do everything for her.

She has a bell that she rings if she needs to go to the bathroom at night.

She refuses to follow her nurse's instructions to walk 3 times a day insisting that she's tired and complains about every little thing.

Our lives are consumed with caring for her and we can't leave the house more than 2 hours without her calling and asking when we're coming back.

We were invited to a local Christmas party given by friends and we told her we were going to go. She said okay but to make sure the door was locked because she's afraid to be alone and to call her to let her know when we'll be back. We ended up not going and she said she was glad because she didn't want to be alone.

I feel like we went from the frying pan into the fire. With no income (I can not find work), caring for her and no home to call our own, I keep wishing she would pass away so we could be free. Each time she gets up to go to the bathroom and her oxygen leave goes down, I keep wishing it won't go back up. Does that make me a horrible person? I feel so guilty about it.

I feel like we having nothing to look forward to and I'm so sad that we lost our home, my beautiful garden and my wonderful neighbors in NJ and now we're living in Ohio caring for a woman who is negative and demanding.

Answers 1 to 10 of 13
This is your MOTHER-IN-LAW, where is her son? Where are the other relatives that should be taking care of her? And when she does die, will her house be sold and you be out on the street? Who is it that told you to come and live with her? Seems like even though you hate it there, at least you have a place to live (for now). Maybe one of you should be working and getting some money ahead, so when she does die you'll have your ducks in a row to leave.
Top Answer
You're certainly in a tough spot, and it doesn't matter if this is your "MOTHER IN LAW" or your own mother - family is family. I'm sure you didn't "choose" to lose your jobs or your home, and didn't "want" to have to move in with your mother-in-law, but sometimes life has a way of forcing it's hand on you. The point is, you're there now, and making the best of it is difficult some days. I care for my own mother, and she is also very negative & demanding - I would be a liar if I didn't admit that I too have "daydreamed" about being released from this role so I can live my own life again, and I also feel guilty as hell after having such a thought cross my mind. That's perfectly normal (or so I'm told) when you are stressed out and pushed to the limit as long as those feelings remain just that - feelings - and you're not tempted to go so far as to pinch off her oxygen supply. (Obviously if that is the case, then please seek professional help! ;o)

Kidding aside, I assume your husband helps out with her care to an extent - but i also know how "helpful" my husband is with my own mother, so you probably don't catch much of a break either. That does get overwhelming - especially when you feel like you can't even take a .... breath... without having to "check in" with her. Out of curiosity, who was caring for your MIL before you & your husband moved in with her? I'm assuming she didn't suddenly become incapacitated, as COPD is progressive over many years (my husband lost both of his grandparents to it). Is your MIL on Medicaid? Does Ohio have in home support services, to where you can get paid for caring for her?? If you haven't already, then I suggest you contact your state's department on aging & ask for a referral to any of these programs. I've been working on getting the above (paid to care for my mom) for going on 6 months now - it's a slow process, but hopefully it will all be done soon.

Until then, try not to let her get to you too much. Get out of the house - even if you have to leave when your husband gets home just to get some time by yourself without anyone bugging you. I take many trips to Target or WalMart just to get out of the house, if only for an hour or two a day - sometimes that's all I need to keep my sanity. The security guards probably wonder why a person needs to go there so often..haha! ;o)
PS - i just re-read your question & you mention a partner & not a husband - oops! sorry! :)
The "partner" also caught my eye. Lori, I would do whatever it takes to find a job, because you are in a most vulnerable position. I'm glad you and your partner have a place to stay, and I don't think it is right or wrong to hope someone who is suffering passes on to the next phase of their life. I do have some qualms about wanting your partner's mother to pass on because she is inconvenient and in the way, which I hope is not the case here.

I don't know how old you are or how the will is set up. I do see you as being in a vulnerable position, so be sure to take care of yourself. I know it is difficult to be a full-time caregiver and earn a living, but earning a living should come first in this circumstance IMO. I see too many ways that you could invest years in taking care of the partner's mother and end up broke and homeless. I hope you are able to find a way to make your own money soon.
Are you prepared for what happens when she does die? Unless she was very keen in her estate planning you and your partner may not be able to live in the house rent free or at all even if it is willed to your partner. Check the local laws for details and ask your partner to have these tough end of life conversations with the Mother In Law. You all will need to know about final arrangements, attorneys, wills, disposal of property, etc. My Aunt had to move out of the house she cared for her parents in and live somewhere else for a year during the probate period even though it was clear she was to inherit the house and all of the other kids agreed with that. Be prepared........the court fees could cost you a fortune after she passes. Good Luck to both of you during this time, you have a good support system on this site.
Hi hon. My husband lived with his mom when I met him. She's widowed of 7 years. We've been together 5. It's so hard living with a controlling and demanding woman too. If it's not her way you can bet its hell at our house. My husband and I are acctualy talking about moving out or getting divorced one. I can't handle this any longer. When it comes down to it, I wishe she would croak. She makes my husband feel like he's a pos, same with me. I had to quit my job because she was mad that I wasn't right there with her. Same with my husband. We cannot pay bills if we don't work. I would be lying if I would say I haven't wished she would die. I hate her so much I just feel like drop kicking her and tearing her face off. But in my heart I couldn't do it. I suppose it doesn't help that she is mentally retarded but verymidly. Thanksgiving was by far the worst day I beleive I've ever had. She made a scene about the television show we were watching. So I changed it. Boy did it see late from there. But I can tell you now if she drops over dead, I won't shed a tear. I'll spit on her grave and do the " the bitch is finally dead dance" .
Darn meant eseclate
Would you have moved in if you had not lost your jobs and home? Know what a Pirhana is? Based on your posting, you are a monster!
Hello Fedupwithbs, (Love the Screen Name) I am very much a similar situation. I don't feel guilty anymore for wishing bad things on the most horrible monster-in-law in the world. Now my husband and I will have been together for 10 years and in April married for 1 year. My monster-in-law is also a widow, my father-in-law has passed away (wish everyday it was her not him) about 4 years ago. We live with her too. "I'm all alone as she says"!!! But were always here. She only cares about herself, very self-centered, and horrible to deal with. Oyah, we are also expecting a baby very soon. This crazy/unbearable lad if she does anything for me, it will be sending me into early labor. Let's just say she had a friend over the other day ( a total stranger to me ) and asked her if she would move in and take care of the baby (she thinks I won't be a good parent)(I know I will need help but not from her, she has a nasty limp and will probably drop the baby). WTF is wrong with you lady!!! She says that the baby shower she is not sure if she wants to come, pretty much the same thing she said about our wedding. She has two other grandchildren, by my husband's brother. All she cares about is them and furthermore all she talks about. She is such a burden, if my husband and I go out for dinner or see friends and comes home to an empty house. She calls and says "where are you, when are you coming home, and I'm all alone" not only will she call his phone but if he doesn't answer she'll call my phone. When it's still daylight outside. I take her to her doctor's appointment's and she tell me to wait in the car (so happy for cellphones and Netflix). I could probably go on for days about all the self-centered things this lady does. Husband doesn't say it out loud, but I know he's just waiting for her to be out of our lives forever. And once she goes, it willbe fake tears. You know just for show. But one good thing is watching her being a mother to my husband, brother-in-law, and grandmother (if that's what you want to call it, she deserves not one on those title's) (is teaching me WHAT NOT TO DO WITH MY BABY).
after a phone call today with my FIL, where he dissed my SIL in her hearing.. I am pretty sure you are not alone! She was tearing him a new one.. I hung up!

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