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I don't feel good tonight. there is a big problem going on in my family I can't handle it i'm too tired to write about what going on. gist is there is a big family party coming up at my sisters and she didn't tell me about it beforehand and I am supposed to go but I can't because I feel too threatened by her husband and kid who are all against me. there is more to it... I am just oo tired to go into it more now. I want to give up. she organized this party behind my back knowing that it would be h*ll for me to attend. if I don't though whole extended family will think I am an a**hole because they don't know what is going on behind the scenes in my family. I have to decide in the next 24 hours if I am going to go. she got me real good on this one. so devious. I hate her. my brother will also be there and I haven't seen him in 20 years and last time I saw him he physically assaulted me which she also knows. I probably won't go and then everyone will think I am an a**hole and a coward but they don't know what is going on and it's not appropriate to tell them. this is all too much for me. I can't handle my mom bringing by b*tch sister back into my life. and my mom doesn't give sh*t about how awful my sister is. sorry for the cussing. my therapist isn't available in time to talk to about this. arrrhhggg.

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went to the party because I wanted to when it came down to it and also, it would have been really rude to my out of town relatives not to go. the latter reason was the main reason I went. it went ok. I was nervous about seeing people I hadn't seen for years but everyone was on best behavior. on another topic, I don't want to get in enmeshed in any online quarreling because I think this site is supposed to be meant to offer support and guidance but I do want to make a brief comment regarding the people who seem to be annoyed with what they perceive to be my lack of progress or who seem to find my comments redundant... if something I am saying bothers you, I would suggest just moving along and interacting with another caregiver. I certainly do not find criticism, even if well meaning, to be at all helpful. the majority of comments are very kind and thoughtful so I want to continue using this site as a resource but if you have something harsh to say to me, please don't. I have a pretty good understanding of the situation i am in and what my options are and I am proceeding in the direction and pace that is right for me at this time. thank you.
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I'm getting a little impatient, too, lindylu. I think Rainmom was spot on. Not if this had been Annabelle's first post. But it wasn't.
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OMG WHY??? How did it go?
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I went to the partay
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Annabelle moved her mom into her home.

She has been advised to take mom back to where she was.

Not sure why that can't get done.
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Amen (Sendhelp)
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Rainmom, when you started to move forward in your life, was it because someone you didn't know very well let you have it? Or was it that you reached a point where you were ready to make changes for yourself? Annabelle is clearly having a really hard time. When I have been in a tough spot in my life, the help I've gotten is because people were willing to listen and offer really specific steps to progress, or because they were just encouraging. I've never found it helpful for someone to yell "Fix it!" It just doesn't work, at least not for me or anyone I know.

When she said "ignorant" I took it as ignorance of her specific life circumstances. We don't know if she has other health issues, responsibilities, or challenges that she chooses not to discuss here and so slamming someone for not changing their life in two months comes off as harsh. There is that adjustment period when you start caregiving where you need to wrap your head around the fact that your life is not your own anymore. I know you know that as a mom; I am guessing you have had to adjust to that more than any of us. But Annabelle just got this situation dropped on her in the past few months, and it takes awhile to get used to knowing you have no privacy, no free time, and that there are all these new challenges. If she gets three free hours without her mom around the house, she might do just as well to savor that free time rather than spend it writing a list about her mom's issues.

I think you are a kind-hearted person and don't intend to be hurtful, but I found your post last night hard to read. You have a lot of good advice and I enjoy reading your posts, but I think for some reason when you address Annabelle you "sound" really impatient. I don't think it's your intention but, for sensitive people, it comes off that way. I say or write things sometimes that don't sound how I meant them. I'm guessing that's what happened with your post but I don't know.

Something that might be really helpful is sharing the title of the book you recommended a few days ago on being assertive, the Effective People book. Reading it is something doable and could provide actual tools for handling the hard to negotiate situations Annabelle is finding herself in.
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Hi JoAnn, totally with you on cat companions -- they're the best:)

Just to fill you in from older posts, Annabelle has her own place, but her mom came to stay with her after the mom had a stroke. Her mom was living on limited income several hours away with no family nearby, and the doctor recommended she be closer to family. Her mom has a house but the house needs a lot of work, which her mom isn't in the condition to do herself and probably can't afford to hire out. I'm not sure whether Annabelle's mom is from the same state, or not, so that might complicate getting social services set up for her. I think some of the difficulty is that Annabelle wants to make sure her mom is safe but because of the distance, condition of the house, finances, work, etc. it's kind of got them between a rock and a hard place, at least for now.

In the meantime, with her mom being in town now, the sister who lives in the same area (and does not want to provide mom with hands-on care but is on friendly terms with the mom) has re-entered the picture. And the aggressive brother is now visiting. So now the family dynamics are complicating the stress she was already facing with her mom being in her home. I hope that fills in some of the gaps!
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Annabelle- my comments are not ignorant, I have walked a mile in your shoes and a lot further than that. There is almost nothing that you've mentioned that I have not dealt with, plus a lot of other abuses that other replies mention. My father never beat me - my two older brothers took care of that, and worse.

I do not say what I say to be mean spirited. But in the hope it may spur you to seeing only you can change your circumstances.

Life is precious and everyday spent is a day you'll never get back. I made the decision a long time ago I wasn't going to let my past and the crappy things and crappy people who inflicted damage and pain - rob me of my own life any longer. So I forgave what I could and cut out the rest. The exception being my mother - which is work in progress. But it is progress.

I don't know how old you are but actually it doesn't matter - life spins on a dime. Is this how you want to spend whatever time you've got left in this world? Consumed in hate and bitterness?

I'm sorry if what I said hurt you - but I'm not sorry I said it. Dont worry - I'll not reply to your posts again.
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Me again, just a thought
thought.
When u get a place of ur own this will be your safe place to fall. After a long day of work, walk in ur front door, lock it and you can just veg out. You will also be able to find interests. Go to Church, join a bible study or Sunday School class. County Colleges and some high schools have night classes. Could learn sign language, Spanish etc and maybe make some friends. You r going to have to make the first step. And, there is nothing wrong with liking to be alone. Get a cat. My one daughter is a loner the other has to be around people. The loner belongsvto a book challenge on the internet. Loves it. Please keep us posted. Would love to know how things work out. Why is my friend alone, shevis her own worst enemy. She chooses to be where she is instead of finding out why shevis where she is.
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I am assuming you live with Mom. If so, move out. If money is the problem, there are agencies that can help u live on ur own. Foodstamps, help with utilities, apts for 55 and up wherevu pay on a sliding scale. Then make a list of Moms needs. Call office of the aging to see what they offer. Medicaid has help for those who qualify. Compile a list and when u know you can leave, hand the info over to ur sistercand tell her Mom is her respondibility. Get a cell phone and don't give out the number. Get a POBox. Break ties until you can handle things. People can only do to u what u allow. Me, I walk away now. I know who likes me and who doesn't even if they act otherwise. Believe when I say, you probably give off negativity and people either take advantage of that or back away. I have a friend like this and lately I have had to back away because od dealing with my own problems.
So...I hope I have helped. Please, do this for yourself.
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You need to first love yourself. Then learn how to stand up for yourself. I hate confrontation and at 67 I still don't handle it well. When I was younger, I wanted everyone to like me so tended to just go with the flow sometimes it was allowing people to walk all over me. As I got older it made, and still does, when people try to intimidate me. I have, and still am, learning to wait. Then there comes that moment when u have the opportunity to voice your concerns without anger and quietly. You can't change ur family but you can change u withvthe help of a therapist. You need to get away from the negativity to work on yourself. Once you get that confidence, u can deal better with the negativity. But u have to get there and as long as ur living with Mom or her with you it won't happen. This is whatvu and ur therapist need to work on, not how u can live with it but how u can live without it. Your family gets away with what they do because you allow it. (sorry if harsh) Did u report that family member that hit u.
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Hi Annabelle, there are people on here who lost their elder years ago and are still complaining about conflicts and trouble with family. Do not feel bad about posting if you need to vent or have a question. You can skip the passages by people whose tone is too hurtful -- just letters on the screen -- if you are finding some support here.

It is really sad that you will miss out on seeing some of your family.

My friend was abused by her brother. He had a really volatile relationship with his dad and it's a long story but when the dad was gone, the brother started taking it out on my friend. She has neurological problems and was on heavy duty medications for them. It caused her to have kind of funny mannerisms and to not have too much of a filter, and it just irritated the brother to no end and he would get really violent with her. It really affected her whole life -- the way she thought about herself and her relationship with her mom (who thought she was provoking the brother.) Her health problems interfered with her ability to keep a job. The family saw her as the black sheep and weak, even though she has persevered through more than I or any of them could. Meanwhile, brother got a great job in college through a family friend (who knew he was beating sister) and he is now married with kids and makes 6 figures. It seems unfair. I know the mom is starting to see things differently now but I wish she had taken my friend's side 20 years ago when it counted more.

Abuse is so insidious. It affects how you think of yourself and make decisions. The humiliation alone is awful -- makes you feel like everyone can see how you feel on the inside. If you are prone to anxiety and depression, that just makes it harder. In terms of "fixing" things, this is probably the worst stage because between the situation with your mom and starting counseling, all those feelings are being brought up to the surface. But the counseling should help and it's better to try to deal with some of those feelings in the long run. It's an uphill climb but you are taking steps and recognize that you need to focus on yourself. Don't let other people take that away from you. It is work to make yourself the priority and it can feel like too much, but you are doing good.

I'm sorry you you will miss seeing your family and are having trouble at work too. You need a break.
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Sociopath sister brother who physically assaulted me last time I saw him 20 years ago and he's visiting for a few days staying with my wonderful sister and my Mom is currently in the kitchen moping because I haven't made her coffee I'm broke don't own a car have no friend don't get along with people at least the mean ones and I'm so verry sorry if this is redundant and I'm not getting it together fast enough for si.e of you don't judge someone unless you've walked a mile in their shoes there's a he'll of a lot more going wrong than I've mentioned
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Peolpe are getting all the info from previous posts I think I don't really know how to work this site fairly new here at this I'd like to divorce myself from my family and oh joy it's fathers day and I get to remember the man who beat me up when I was a kid and terrorized me emotionally every day and mom who I am talk g care of stood by and did nothing but she's the only person in the world who will talk to me without having to pay them been rejected by every man I've been interested in the last 25 years and am being harassed at work
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Just saw a previous post about Moms walker. Put tennis balls on the legs. She will glide across the floor much better.
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Its really hard to deal with a problem when you have people coming from you from all sides.
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Thx Joann I like referring to family dynamics as you suggest instead of it seeming like I'm just being rude I'd actually really like to go if most of the people there weren't so awful to me but I'm not going someone is picking my mom up I am going to rest I don't feel well at all my job is brutal and lon g hours
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A question, does Mom live with you or u with her? If so, maybe its time for someone else to care for Mom and if ur home she moves out, her home, you move out. If this can be accomplished, than distance yourself from family. Change ur phone no., get a PO box for mail. Ur therapist can help u here. Then maybe you will have the space to learn why u allow these people to treat u like this. From there u can learn how to be a stronger person and deal better with this negativity.
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Sorry u can't contact ur therapist because u really need them. If going to your sisters puts this much stress on you then don't go. If Mom lives with u, have someone pick her up. If asked why ur not attending tell them the dynamics of ur family are such you don't feel comfortable going. Ask your Uncle to go out to lunch or dinner with you and Mom. If u want, explain you are unable to attend the party because of an anxiety problem u suffer from and have a problem with crowds.
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Sorry, where do u all get the info that she is taking care of her Mom and wants to get rid of her? All I saw and read is she takes care of someone. I have had this problem before understanding where the info comes from.
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I wasn't up because of the comments and she doesnt have a colleague filling in
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Annabelle, call your counsellor's office and see if a colleague can see you in the interim, before your appointment in two weeks' time.

The reason I think you need to do this is that first you say you appreciate people's comments. But then what's keeping you awake five hours later is the tiny number you weren't so happy with.

I do sympathise. I've been there many times over the years, eyes popping open over some side issue that I can't change and can't let go. But this is incredibly bad for you, so don't wait - call that office and ask, as soon as you can.
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Middle of night exhausted why are people so mean and ignorant can't trust anyone
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I thought this was a safe place to express my feelings and most of the comments are kind and supportive but there are a couple that are not saying I keep complaining about the same things and why don't I make an action plan etc ... those kind of comments are not helpful and in fact make me feel it's not safe for me to post here you ha e no idea how hard I'm trying and what I do every day keep your ignorance and mean spirited comments to yourself
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thx guys for taking the time to respond to my ongoing saga of angst and frustration. sounds like the general consensus is not to go and I think that's good advice. aside from everything else I'm exhausted and this is my one day off to rest. my sister doesn't work at a regular job and has lots of free time, I desperately need my day off for rest and can maybe get together with the visitors after work for dinner. I want to honor my aunt and uncle by going but I guess they will have to understand that it's not something I can do right now and it has nothing to do with them. it's sad, this shouldn't have to be this way, I kind of want to go just to get out and have a nice time but the reality is not that... i'm really tired. need to go to bed. yea, i think it's all about putting myself and my needs first. i don't do that enough. counselling is in 2 weeks i think. long way off. it must be so nice to just have one relationship that is good and supportive. i don't know what that is like anymore. maybe i never did.
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I am so happy to have been enlightened to the Civil Service Mantra. My husband is not a Civil Servant but apparently he thinks he is!!!!
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The old Civil Service mantra "never apologise, never explain." ....... well well, that's my in-laws' mantra, too!

Sorry. Just trying to lighten things up.

Don't go. Everyone else gave excellent advice be about comportment and MomTaxi.

Follow what these fine folks said, and you'll be fine.

Mom, jerk sis, sociopath bro and the rest of the DNA pool will also be fine.

Don't overthink it.
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Annabelle- don't you have bigger things to deal with than becoming spun up about a party? In your post heading you say "can't handle it". So don't go.

Drop your mother off, telling her to get a ride back. Then go home and get some sleep.

Better yet, go home and write up your action plan. Cause best I can tell you still don't have one. You've been posting for over two months and honestly? Except for the date - the posts are all interchangeable. You're tired, no one loves you, you hate your mother but most of all - you hate your sister. Got it. What are you doing to make you're situation more tolerable?

You've been given a ton of good advice. Ways to see about moving your mother out - and if that seems impossible to you - ways to help yourself.

You want someone to love you - all the while spewing hate, anger and bitterness. You will find love when you become open to it. In the mean time - nothing will change until you change it.

So go ahead and send some of that anger my way - as you have when I tell you something you don't want to hear. I can take it. Maybe you'll get mad enough to actually do something to make yourself and your well-being a priority.
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I know you long for love and long be  be loved. I hope you are working with your counselor to find self love and self respect. For those of us with dysfunctional families, our lives are pretty much a mess until we set boundaries, detach, and quit looking for love, respect and support from these messed up people.
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