There is an upcoming party and I can't handle it.

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I don't feel good tonight. there is a big problem going on in my family I can't handle it i'm too tired to write about what going on. gist is there is a big family party coming up at my sisters and she didn't tell me about it beforehand and I am supposed to go but I can't because I feel too threatened by her husband and kid who are all against me. there is more to it... I am just oo tired to go into it more now. I want to give up. she organized this party behind my back knowing that it would be h*ll for me to attend. if I don't though whole extended family will think I am an a**hole because they don't know what is going on behind the scenes in my family. I have to decide in the next 24 hours if I am going to go. she got me real good on this one. so devious. I hate her. my brother will also be there and I haven't seen him in 20 years and last time I saw him he physically assaulted me which she also knows. I probably won't go and then everyone will think I am an a**hole and a coward but they don't know what is going on and it's not appropriate to tell them. this is all too much for me. I can't handle my mom bringing by b*tch sister back into my life. and my mom doesn't give sh*t about how awful my sister is. sorry for the cussing. my therapist isn't available in time to talk to about this. arrrhhggg.

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went to the party because I wanted to when it came down to it and also, it would have been really rude to my out of town relatives not to go. the latter reason was the main reason I went. it went ok. I was nervous about seeing people I hadn't seen for years but everyone was on best behavior. on another topic, I don't want to get in enmeshed in any online quarreling because I think this site is supposed to be meant to offer support and guidance but I do want to make a brief comment regarding the people who seem to be annoyed with what they perceive to be my lack of progress or who seem to find my comments redundant... if something I am saying bothers you, I would suggest just moving along and interacting with another caregiver. I certainly do not find criticism, even if well meaning, to be at all helpful. the majority of comments are very kind and thoughtful so I want to continue using this site as a resource but if you have something harsh to say to me, please don't. I have a pretty good understanding of the situation i am in and what my options are and I am proceeding in the direction and pace that is right for me at this time. thank you.
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I'm getting a little impatient, too, lindylu. I think Rainmom was spot on. Not if this had been Annabelle's first post. But it wasn't.
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OMG WHY??? How did it go?
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I went to the partay
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Annabelle moved her mom into her home.

She has been advised to take mom back to where she was.

Not sure why that can't get done.
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Amen (Sendhelp)
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Rainmom, when you started to move forward in your life, was it because someone you didn't know very well let you have it? Or was it that you reached a point where you were ready to make changes for yourself? Annabelle is clearly having a really hard time. When I have been in a tough spot in my life, the help I've gotten is because people were willing to listen and offer really specific steps to progress, or because they were just encouraging. I've never found it helpful for someone to yell "Fix it!" It just doesn't work, at least not for me or anyone I know.

When she said "ignorant" I took it as ignorance of her specific life circumstances. We don't know if she has other health issues, responsibilities, or challenges that she chooses not to discuss here and so slamming someone for not changing their life in two months comes off as harsh. There is that adjustment period when you start caregiving where you need to wrap your head around the fact that your life is not your own anymore. I know you know that as a mom; I am guessing you have had to adjust to that more than any of us. But Annabelle just got this situation dropped on her in the past few months, and it takes awhile to get used to knowing you have no privacy, no free time, and that there are all these new challenges. If she gets three free hours without her mom around the house, she might do just as well to savor that free time rather than spend it writing a list about her mom's issues.

I think you are a kind-hearted person and don't intend to be hurtful, but I found your post last night hard to read. You have a lot of good advice and I enjoy reading your posts, but I think for some reason when you address Annabelle you "sound" really impatient. I don't think it's your intention but, for sensitive people, it comes off that way. I say or write things sometimes that don't sound how I meant them. I'm guessing that's what happened with your post but I don't know.

Something that might be really helpful is sharing the title of the book you recommended a few days ago on being assertive, the Effective People book. Reading it is something doable and could provide actual tools for handling the hard to negotiate situations Annabelle is finding herself in.
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Hi JoAnn, totally with you on cat companions -- they're the best:)

Just to fill you in from older posts, Annabelle has her own place, but her mom came to stay with her after the mom had a stroke. Her mom was living on limited income several hours away with no family nearby, and the doctor recommended she be closer to family. Her mom has a house but the house needs a lot of work, which her mom isn't in the condition to do herself and probably can't afford to hire out. I'm not sure whether Annabelle's mom is from the same state, or not, so that might complicate getting social services set up for her. I think some of the difficulty is that Annabelle wants to make sure her mom is safe but because of the distance, condition of the house, finances, work, etc. it's kind of got them between a rock and a hard place, at least for now.

In the meantime, with her mom being in town now, the sister who lives in the same area (and does not want to provide mom with hands-on care but is on friendly terms with the mom) has re-entered the picture. And the aggressive brother is now visiting. So now the family dynamics are complicating the stress she was already facing with her mom being in her home. I hope that fills in some of the gaps!
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Annabelle- my comments are not ignorant, I have walked a mile in your shoes and a lot further than that. There is almost nothing that you've mentioned that I have not dealt with, plus a lot of other abuses that other replies mention. My father never beat me - my two older brothers took care of that, and worse.

I do not say what I say to be mean spirited. But in the hope it may spur you to seeing only you can change your circumstances.

Life is precious and everyday spent is a day you'll never get back. I made the decision a long time ago I wasn't going to let my past and the crappy things and crappy people who inflicted damage and pain - rob me of my own life any longer. So I forgave what I could and cut out the rest. The exception being my mother - which is work in progress. But it is progress.

I don't know how old you are but actually it doesn't matter - life spins on a dime. Is this how you want to spend whatever time you've got left in this world? Consumed in hate and bitterness?

I'm sorry if what I said hurt you - but I'm not sorry I said it. Dont worry - I'll not reply to your posts again.
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Me again, just a thought
thought.
When u get a place of ur own this will be your safe place to fall. After a long day of work, walk in ur front door, lock it and you can just veg out. You will also be able to find interests. Go to Church, join a bible study or Sunday School class. County Colleges and some high schools have night classes. Could learn sign language, Spanish etc and maybe make some friends. You r going to have to make the first step. And, there is nothing wrong with liking to be alone. Get a cat. My one daughter is a loner the other has to be around people. The loner belongsvto a book challenge on the internet. Loves it. Please keep us posted. Would love to know how things work out. Why is my friend alone, shevis her own worst enemy. She chooses to be where she is instead of finding out why shevis where she is.
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