It's time for my elderly Father to go home.

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He moved in 2.5 years ago now when he had cataract surgery. He's 91 and in good health taking only 3 meds daily and drops for his eyes. When he first moved in things were fine. Everyone got along and he was on his best behavior, my Father and I have never had a close or great relationship. He's really just this side of a narcissist and the longer he has been with us the worse it has gotten. I also had a nice nest egg when he moved in that is now gone due to the increase in food and living expenses that he has not helped with since he's been with us. For 91 that man can eat! He expects a full breakfast, lunch and dinner and even has the audacity to complain when he feels the meal is not up to his standards. My utilities have increased as well by about 40% as he goes in and outside constantly with his dog. He has become extremely argumentative and verbally abusvie toward me. Anything he can think of to rude and cutting he will even to the point of telling me that my deceased mother hated me, I'm nothing to him, I do nothing for him, I'm a liar and dishonest person, and the list goes on. His biggest has been he is being held hostage and he is going to leave. He even calls folks we know from back home telling them these things. I have explained to him that there are no locks on the. door and he is welcome to have his friends come and get him at any time, but he always comes up with an excuse and is still here. I've spoken with the VA concerned that maybe it was his meds. She was suppose to have his Doctor call me, which never happen. Instead they called my father and told him they had him scheduled for a psychiatric examination and needed him to come in. He went ballistic and called up the chain of command at the VA and was told by someone that I had ordered this which couldn't be further from the truth, He canceled the appointment and says I will never lock him up, that he isn't crazy. At this point I really just want him to leave, I'm sick and tired of my home and life being turned upside down by someone so uncaring and selfserving. His home is almost 500 miles from where I live and I no longer have the funds to get him there. Unfortunately I have allowed him to put me and my family in a dire financial situation as I haven't been able to work as much with his carrying on the way he does. I have to get his dog home with him then figure out how to get some sort of daily care for him. Any suggestions will be most welcome. Thanks!


Ooh. Any allies? Ideally, you need someone else, someone he respects and will listen to and doesn't have to save 'face' in front of, to sit down with him and talk seriously about what he would like to do about living arrangements. I suspect the truthful answer is that he feels safe with you, and is afraid to be on his own, but can't admit it and is frustrated by it - which would account for the vileness and ingratitude of the way he's behaving towards you.

But emotional and personal issues aside, whatever arrangements are decided on, there has to be an agreed financial basis to it. Is he actually, technically, solvent? If he were living independently, would his means cover his expenses? Does he realise how heavily you've been subsidising him? All of these things need to be discussed openly and in a practical way. If you can think of someone, maybe another veteran or veterans' welfare officer or veteran's son (sigh, but you know what they're like…), rope in a volunteer to have The Big Conversation.

Best of luck, hope you see progress very soon.
Could he afford to move into assisted living? It sounds to me that he is living in assisted living now, but you're providing all the assistance and paying for it. He is pretty old to be living alone, so I would look at assisted living options that are close by. I hope that he can afford it and agrees that it is a good idea. It would allow him to have more independence. Perhaps you can find a facility that allows a dog.
Thanks for your replies. Unfortunately an assisted living facility doesn't appear to be something he can handle financially. He has Medicare and has some help from that VA regarding his medical expenses and medications, but it doesn't cover everything. He does get social security, but the majority goes to covering the monthly expenses on his home, ie utilities, insurances etc and he continues to save a portion each month as well. As I have been doing his bookkeeping since he has been here I do know that he has more in his savings account than when he first arrived even though he tries to tell me differently. He refuses to touch for anything...period. I keep telling to tell him that now is the time that he may need to use it, but he will not even discuss that. Conversation closed. Your right that he shouldnt be living by himself, but he can be so nasty at times that he has previously ran caretakers off. Add to that he still owns a car and has a drivers license. Since he has been with me I adamantly refuse to allow him to drive and that makes him livid, says it is the first thing he intends to do when he moves home. His car looks like it been in a battle and he had gotten pulled for going too slow, I'm very afraid of him hurting himself or someone else. He has trouble driving those little convenience carts at the grocery. I do like your idea of getting a third party male he knows to try to speak with him. Part of the problem is that as a daughter I can be a good little cook, and take care of his every need. Thats about all women are good for in his eyes. Are there any financial assistance programs that help with home care or do you know of anywhere I could check to find out. Thanks again
Please excuse the typos in my comments, my auto correct is messed up so I never know how something is going to come out when I write.
I have read on this site about VA AID AND ATTENDANCE
I don't know about your heart, but you have hardened mine. He is putting money aside? And who, pray, does he think is paying for his food, his hot water, his travel, his laundry..?

Perhaps it is time for the little lady to get out the rolling pin and stand with her hands on her hips. Option A he does not, for the time being, move but in that case he starts paying rent - write him out a spreadsheet and stick it under his nose: this is your rent, pay it or move out. Option B, he goes home with a full care package which will cost $xxxx per month.

As you say, you had enough of this a long, long time ago. He can have any attitude on him that pleases him, but not under your roof. Especially not when it costs you money. If you can get somebody else to be the bad cop, great but don't leave it too long ;and if you can't, get real with him.
I would call the VA again and beg them to come get him. I could not take the abuse.
500 miles. Will you ever be visiting him? You seem to be taking on all the responsibility without any legal rights to help him.
Try thinking about now, where he is now, and go to your local senior center for help. It may be time to get POA, Veterans Aid and Assistance gives an income for caregiving/home care expenses if the vet was on active duty during a war.
Home delivered meals can start (free or a donation) just for his meals.
It may not be realistic to move him home at this late date, that could be abandonment, so start where you are. Call in siblings/other family to help.
Be sure to get an attorney to put a lien on his home for legal, rent, and caregiving
expenses, the house may have to be sold to pay for his care nearer you. You can do this, but you must take control, while at the same time, preserving his dignity, keeping your sanity and family in tact. Rent a room, sign him up for a veterans home. You are so right, he has to go. Find out where. You can do this with help.
Do put locks on the doors, his space/room with a separate entrance; then there is your space. Give him notice, go with him to local soc. security office, because he is going to assign that income to you for rent, you will be his representative payee. Then he can sell his house. ("They") will leave when you give them a bill, with notice. Call a transportation service, his choice, his expense. Don't get me wrong, you are not setting out to punish him for being old or ill, just be firm. I understand you feel trapped because he has the money and you do not. You may have not seen this coming?
Bye Dad, we love you. Your limo is outside, waiting. Poor man, has anyone not tried to help him get home before this?

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