He moved in 2.5 years ago now when he had cataract surgery. He's 91 and in good health taking only 3 meds daily and drops for his eyes. When he first moved in things were fine. Everyone got along and he was on his best behavior, my Father and I have never had a close or great relationship. He's really just this side of a narcissist and the longer he has been with us the worse it has gotten. I also had a nice nest egg when he moved in that is now gone due to the increase in food and living expenses that he has not helped with since he's been with us. For 91 that man can eat! He expects a full breakfast, lunch and dinner and even has the audacity to complain when he feels the meal is not up to his standards. My utilities have increased as well by about 40% as he goes in and outside constantly with his dog. He has become extremely argumentative and verbally abusvie toward me. Anything he can think of to rude and cutting he will even to the point of telling me that my deceased mother hated me, I'm nothing to him, I do nothing for him, I'm a liar and dishonest person, and the list goes on. His biggest has been he is being held hostage and he is going to leave. He even calls folks we know from back home telling them these things. I have explained to him that there are no locks on the. door and he is welcome to have his friends come and get him at any time, but he always comes up with an excuse and is still here. I've spoken with the VA concerned that maybe it was his meds. She was suppose to have his Doctor call me, which never happen. Instead they called my father and told him they had him scheduled for a psychiatric examination and needed him to come in. He went ballistic and called up the chain of command at the VA and was told by someone that I had ordered this which couldn't be further from the truth, He canceled the appointment and says I will never lock him up, that he isn't crazy. At this point I really just want him to leave, I'm sick and tired of my home and life being turned upside down by someone so uncaring and selfserving. His home is almost 500 miles from where I live and I no longer have the funds to get him there. Unfortunately I have allowed him to put me and my family in a dire financial situation as I haven't been able to work as much with his carrying on the way he does. I have to get his dog home with him then figure out how to get some sort of daily care for him. Any suggestions will be most welcome. Thanks!
Try thinking about now, where he is now, and go to your local senior center for help. It may be time to get POA, Veterans Aid and Assistance gives an income for caregiving/home care expenses if the vet was on active duty during a war.
Home delivered meals can start (free or a donation) just for his meals.
It may not be realistic to move him home at this late date, that could be abandonment, so start where you are. Call in siblings/other family to help.
Be sure to get an attorney to put a lien on his home for legal, rent, and caregiving
expenses, the house may have to be sold to pay for his care nearer you. You can do this, but you must take control, while at the same time, preserving his dignity, keeping your sanity and family in tact. Rent a room, sign him up for a veterans home. You are so right, he has to go. Find out where. You can do this with help.
Perhaps it is time for the little lady to get out the rolling pin and stand with her hands on her hips. Option A he does not, for the time being, move but in that case he starts paying rent - write him out a spreadsheet and stick it under his nose: this is your rent, pay it or move out. Option B, he goes home with a full care package which will cost $xxxx per month.
As you say, you had enough of this a long, long time ago. He can have any attitude on him that pleases him, but not under your roof. Especially not when it costs you money. If you can get somebody else to be the bad cop, great but don't leave it too long ;and if you can't, get real with him.
But emotional and personal issues aside, whatever arrangements are decided on, there has to be an agreed financial basis to it. Is he actually, technically, solvent? If he were living independently, would his means cover his expenses? Does he realise how heavily you've been subsidising him? All of these things need to be discussed openly and in a practical way. If you can think of someone, maybe another veteran or veterans' welfare officer or veteran's son (sigh, but you know what they're like…), rope in a volunteer to have The Big Conversation.
Best of luck, hope you see progress very soon.