The struggle to not become bitter.

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My dad (79) has been in hospice (at home ) since September. My mom (79) cares for him mostly along with a lot of help from hospice and me and my brother and sometimes a sister (I do their finances, some light cleaning and am "on call" for whatever else they might need.)

I have an 18 year old son with Aspergers and I sometimes wonder which has been more difficult. That or caring for my parents?

It's been a rocky roller coaster ride and all the issues with my parents started coming to a head just when I thought I would get a life after staying home with my son and homeschooling him for 9 I have some issues with bitterness and resentment!

A recent incident with my younger brother cause those feelings to resurface . Long story short. Mom and Dad have a big house that they aren't leaving until Dad goes. My brother says "my wife and I are going to buy the house" Yea! We don't have the stress and worry of selling it. He changed his mind. Didn't tell anyone and my husband saw my brother's house for sale online. We asked him what was going on....he evaded and ignored.'s all out in the thanks to my secretive brother. We (me?) now have the added stress/worry of selling the house in the future. I have always had a great relationship with my (younger) brother and he has been a huge help to my parents. That must be why his actions disappoint and anger me so much.
He made a promise to my parents and changed his mind. OK. People change their minds but he was secretive and didn't let anyone know and it was huge decision.
I have to forgive him (and his wife) there is no other choice...but I can understand how family feuds begin and fester. My feelings for my brother changed overnight and I really hate it. I do love my brother. I just really, really hate how he acted. It feels good to just write this all down and it helps in my attempt to stay bitterness free and sane during all of this.


Good vent! I hope it helps.

I think I can understand your disappointment, both for the additional task it adds to your list, and in your brother's failure to be straight with you.

Even if he'd told you at the first glimmer of changing their minds, it would not change the basic situation. The family home would still need to be sold.

Brother may just be a bit of a coward when it comes to disappointing his family. Yes, he should have told you, but he perhaps was trying to put off facing his family with what he knew would be bad news. Not good behavior, but being cowardly toward family is seldom an unforgivable sin.

No doubt everyone in the family is operating under a lot of stress with Dad on hospice care. Most of us are not at our best in stress and grief.

I admire your self-awareness and wish you success at avoiding bitterness.
Just let it go! Even if it was in writing that brother would buy the house, he is free to change his mind at anytime and up until closing changing your mind is still an option. You have a lot going on now. Don't let a piece of property cause "bitterness". Venting is good and hopefully it got rid of your stress.
I understand. My dear sweet grandson has Asperger's and it is such a struggle for all. At the same time we're dealing with the elders............difficult for sure. You are not alone.
The real issue is not the selling of the house. It is partly because now we have to worry about selling a house that needs a lot of repairs and there will be very little money is not the issue. The real issue is the feelings I have toward my brother and his decision to not buy the house after promising my parents that he would. He was not straightforward with my parents. This is a brother who I have a really good relationships with but I would never expect to act this way so my dilemma is learning to let go of it.
Caring for your son is more important and is more difficult, hands-down. There really is no comparison. Regarding your feelings of bitterness: please examine them carefully. Do you really need to be bitter because your bro decided to live somewhere other than the parent's home? No, you don't. Did he really do something dastardly? Not at all. Selling a house is not that big a deal and the work involved is certainly not a reason to harbor ill feelings toward a sibling who is actually doing the estate a favor -- sale of the house to a third party will yield a higher profit for the estate. So that should make you happy, not resentful. It also sounds like he does help out with your parents, and you should be thankful and appreciate that help. I wish I had your "problems" with my siblings, who are truly evil, lazy and dastardly. You have so many reasons to be grateful, rather than bitter! Is your life really half-empty, or do you see that it is indeed at least half-full?
Thanks zookeeper. Of course I have reasons to be grateful but my this point..feels crazy. All within the last 6 months my father entered hospice, my son turned 18 , is learning to drive (with me being the main teacher) started community college (all wonderful things but things that are also stressfull) and my role as a stay at home mother is ending and I am now not able to concentrate on myself because I have two very needy parents. I have good days and bad days. I do have negative feelings toward how my brother was deceptive and treated my parents......honestly I am not proud of it but things happen in families. I will never start a feud with my brother and will eventually let this go...but right now I am working through it...that's why I posted here.
You are not alone, that's for sure. Really awful things do happen between siblings, as you will see in so many posts on this forum. My own family story is both a nightmare and a travesty. I think my best advice is still for you to take a deep breath, take a step back, and try to see that you are fortunate that bro does try to help out and that the decision to bail on buying the house may actually be a blessing that is being obscured by your feelings that bro somehow did your parents wrong. If you can let that one part go, the rest will fall back into place for you, I think. You definetely do not have a valid reason to fall-out with bro and I think time will help you discover this.

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