Follow
Share

This is going to be a long read so please bear with me.

I'm the youngest (49) of my brother (estranged no contact for 4yrs.) and I. My brother married this lady in 2012 against my advice and showing him proof that she was/is a criminal. She was subsequently arrested for felony embezzlement (3rd time) to the tune of $300K, convicted and served jail time for it. She got out and a month later she intercepted a personal check from my dad to my brother, forged a new amount and cashed it. My father finally told me about it and I held my tongue about them for the better part of two months. My dad would not file a police report and with the evidence in front of my brother he said that she didn't do it.

I had enough with enabling my brother (who is a sheriff's deputy by the way) and started a tell the truth campaign via craigslist. That angered my father to the point of telling me to F-off and became estranged from him for about a year and half. He made contact in late August last year and he told me that he had fallen onto his back. I live about an hour and fifteen minutes from him and started taking him to a chiropractor and driving down to help with firewood. I would drive down and work my butt off splitting firewood and bringing it in the house enough for two weeks at a time. It was all I could do to get him to buy me lunch let alone my gas for the trip.

I decided to help him transition from wood burning to a pellet stove and began the leg work to make that happen by the end of this summer. I've had the flu real bad for two weeks now and haven't been able to drive down. He constantly guilt trips me about the wood situation and it's driving me crazy. Now he has is "on again off again" carpenter guy build an 8' section of fence that he paid $500 for. He then discussed the pellet stove with him and this guy has now added his 2 cents on the subject and has my dad calling the city about how high the outside pipe should be on the roof.

I was going to keep the wood stove pipe and put the pellet pipe through it and cap it. The pellet pipe shouldn't have to be any higher than the pipe that's there now... So my dad calls today to tell me about his back and what yet another doctor has said. Apparently he has 4 cracked vertebrae and nothing will be done until 2nd week in april. This doctor bad mouthed all previous healthcare concerning his back injury up to this point. To me all this doctor did was join the club of "do nothing" healthcare providers up to this point. I expressed this opinion to my dad and he became angry. I also told him that he's now going to have problems with the city regarding the pellet stove installation and he became more angry not to mention that he doesn't like talking to me when I'm sick or having problems or my wife.

He has a kerosene monitor heater along with the current wood stove and constantly complains about how expensive it is to run or will say "can't wait to the monitor bill this month". Which he did with this call to me today.

I'm at my wits end and just don't know what to do. Oh yeah he also wants to put grass sod down this spring in the back yard which he's done before but the two dog just kill it by peeing on it and digging it up. I know it's his money but it's driving me crazy. I just don't know what to do and now wish I had not said anything about a pellet stove.

Please help and if something's not clear I'll be more than happy to answer any questions.

Thanks.......

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I was driving down weekly and that got to be to much so I would do enough wood to last two weeks. The box loaded/2 rows on the back porch(inside) and two wheelbarrows full outside covered with tarps.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Since the "olive branch" I've done the firewood/gutters/dr. apts/cat litter boxes. So, break his olive branch and turn him into APS.... He gets "meals on wheels" and since I've been sick he calls the volunteer fire dept. to help with firewood. I can't believe those public service people have not called APS....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I don't know what to suggest but it's clearly time for APS to heck out his living conditions. It sounds as if he is suffering from dementia Of course he'll probably blame you for being a whistle blower and never speak to you again.

As far as the cats are concerned, I don't know how many he has but I have 5 and they all use a litter box faithfully ... even the old guy who's 16. They're all fixed and shotted and in good weather will go do their business in he adjoining fields. Cats are extremely clean and there's no need for peeing everywhere unless they're sick.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You need to let go of the brother and SIL; nothing to be accomplished there. Set limits with Dad - the one visit a month sounds reasonable. You do have your own responsibilities to take care of at home. Find a handyman or whoever in his area, give Dad the phone number and just back off from the day to day.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You need to call APS and have them go look at his living conditions. I'm glad that your dad reached out to you, but it seems to have been selfserving. You can't possibly give him all the help he needs unless you move in with him. DON'T DO THAT, by the way. It sounds as though he has dementia, I would not take at face value anything that he says the docs told him. do you have HIPAA rights? If so, call the doc yourself and understand what the doctor is telling him. I guarantee he hasn't got it straight.

He needs more help than any one family member can give. Get the APS folks involved and see what they come up with in terms of resources.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Ok, to be more clear....My dad is 75yrs old and my mother passed 3yrs ago after health issues and battling alzheimer's. In August of '14 he fell on to his back trying to install a doorbell chime. He finally got an MRI of his back and apparently he has 4 cracked vertebrae which nothing will be done until April....which I still don't understand..So he has limited mobility and can't split or bring in firewood. After our year and a half of not speaking he shows up at my door which I'm grateful and then learn of the back injury so I begin to help. This is with no explination of why he told me to F-off. He is old and very set in his ways, he talks loud and is racist which I try to explain that its not good to talk that way in public. He's constantly complaining about what's on tv and politics. Most of the time he continually repeats himself which I believe he has dementia and it is steadily getting worse.
Right now he lives alone with several cats and 2 dogs. I just helped put one cat down and buried in the back yard and had a "service" sort of speak all so that he could save $140 cremation fee and have piece of mind. The house is going in to ruin and smells of cat urine, which he wants to pull up the carpet and replace it. Only to have the problem continue. When I go there I do not want to eat anything in the refrigerator. When I ask him or try to offer suggestions he gets angry and shuts down. So going to lunch to discuss it is out of the question because he would just spin it as I'm attacking him and the way he lives. I know the time is coming that someone will report him to DHS and I don't want to be held responsible because I've tried on more than one occasion to help only to be met with argument and anger which is where we are at now. I don't know when he will call and when he does it will be, "are you gonna bash me more.? are you still mad at me.?" It will in his mind be totally my fault and I can't live this way. Right now I wish he hadn't shown up with the olive branch, at least I would be mad at him for enabling my brother and his criminal for coming between us(my dad and I).
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Take dad to lunch (yep on your dime) and have a frank conversation with him. Plan out what you are going to say in advance. Tell dad, "dad I love you but I'm setting boundaries starting today". I'm visiting 4th wked of each month and will tackle your list of chores, errands at that time. Understand that certain things will be handles by outside help/assistance (for example, chopping wood).
As dad becomes more demanding --you reply with "dad, it sounds like you need more help, call brother Tom, or I'll help arrange for housekeeper, caregiver, whatever 3 mornings a week..."
Start setting boundaries, don't answer his calls every minute and pleas. You will grow more resentful of your family if you don't get control of the situation.
Let your brother and SIL issue go. It's over, nothing you can do to change what's happened. You state bro is with Sheriffs office, obviously they will look at anything you say or report as "sour grapes, sibling rivalry". --what will you gain by ruining brother? Dad obviously has let it go. For your sake, do the same.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It's not clear to me what's going on except you have a dysfunctional family. Is your father developing dementia or you two just can't agree on anything? Does your father need help with daily care and chores? If he is mentally capable? If so you may have to let him float his own boat unless he ask for help. It sounds like you need to take a step back.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I say let him figure it out himself. My hubby helped dad cut for 32 yrs & he is tired of it. It gets his back hurting. Dad had a propane furnace put in & a nephew helped cut recently. You need to back off if you want to. You have that long drive & I'm sure you're still working. Time to think of yourself. You can be there for health issues not as his work horse. Been there, seen it with my guys.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.