There is something wrong with me.

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Throughout the course of this adventure, as well as throughout my life, I am finally wanting and needing to know what is wrong with me. There is something inherently wrong with me, there has to be. I do not begrudge being here for my Mom, truly I do not...but all of my life I have done these kinds of things and now am finally seeing that none of it is the least bit appreciated and I know if Mom was able to do so, she would get up, pack her suitcase and move herself into a nursing home. I know she did not want me to do this...I honestly can't imagine doing anything else. But with the loss of my house, I will have officially lost absolutely everything I worked my entire life for. everything. And I think something is wrong with this picture. My Mom is a wonderful woman, but I do not believe even my Mom would have done what i am doing...I have never felt like a normal kid, I have never fit in in the adult world. So what on earth is wrong with me that I have literally fiddled while Rome burned and lost everything I ever worked my behind off for. All the nephews I spent most of my money on, the brother who I helped redecorate their lavish lake home, even parents I have been here for my entire life....I must be the dumbest person on the face of the earth..or naive, or stupid. I don't require much "stuff" to live...a good thing, as I have officially lost my a**.......and it is my own fault.....and I know it.

17 Comments

You are on the edge of a breakdown from your post. You need to get some help quickly so you can take care of yourself. Can you hire some outside help for a few hrs, or consider respite care for mom? Please make an appt with dr and/or psychiatrist, counselor to get immediate help. There are many caregiver support groups thru local churches, in AL or memory care facilities, you don't have to have a loved one there, just quickly call and attend the first mtg you can. They will be an enormous help and give you some perspective so you don't feel so lost.
Hope, my heart goes out to you. I was a caregiver 15 years and a psychotherapist for over 40. As I say in my book for caregivers, one of the toughest things I encountered was someone trying to take care of a parent who did not competently take care of them as a child. Your mother may have many fine qualities, but you may have to accept that knowing how to make you feel loved does not appear to be one of them and your being the world's best caregiver is not going to change her. She'll change only when she decides to change. Her inability is hers and does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Think of it this way: can she teach you to play cello? Only if she knows how; she can't give you what she hasn't got. It doesn't make you deficient as a musician. Same goes for the rest of your family. If the only tool they know is a screwdriver, you might need to learn to look less like a screw if you don't want to get screwed: i.e. set better boundaries and not expect them to give you what they don't have. I strongly recommend you find yourself a good therapist to help you learn this and how to give yourself what they can't. Meanwhile, you have my deepest respect, admiration and compassion.
You are not naïve nor are you stupid, what you are is a good caring person that enjoyed helping others and it sounds like you were brought up right. If you were comfortable with yourself and slept good at night then for you what you did was right, but now it's your turn to get a little help. Don't be shy there is help out there. You will get through this and I'm sure all the folks reading your story appreciate you, I know I do. Best to you your not alone
You cannot imagine what it means to know that you folks did not demean me or tell me how stupid I am. I think I have to admit I have felt like a failure all of my life. My parents were the best, but I think sometimes because they were older, they just didn't do some of the things for me or with me that would have helped me feel more like a normal kid. I do not want to make them sound like anything they did was wrong because I don't know that there are /were two more kind and loving people on the face of the earth....but, for some reason, my brother was the one who always got everything, all the stuff, all the attention, when he got in trouble he always had to be bailed out and so I was always on the outside looking in....of everything. I was bullied a LOT as a kid and I guess it stuck. I finally went to a psychiatrist and it was an immense help, as were the meds he put me on...which I can no longer afford and haven't for the entire time I have been caring for my Mom....I never married, but I sure could pick abusive men. One of them almost killed me back in my early twenties and I never even told my parents about it, nor did I report it to the police. I managed to get home and called in long enough to pull myself together and when I did return to work told them I fell and hit my eye on the doorknob (He almost sucked my eye out of my head)...I seem to seek out abuse and I don't know why. But I am hated...literally hated by a lot of people and it is not my imagination...they have told me point blank they despise me. so I am a mess, and I am finally admitting it My Mom is all I have left in this world....truly...so I am hanging onto her for all I am worth. I am a believer and have always had a lot of faith, but I have never felt so alone in my life...which maybe means God is very close. I don't know anymore...I just don't know.
Isn't it strange how the child who receives the least grows up to be the adult that contributes the most? It's hard to believe that a lot of people don't like you. You seem like a sweet person.

Your upbringing sounds so like mine. My brothers got everything. It's really rather sad that I even wore their clothes when I was a teenager, because I didn't have anything to wear. They got the cars. I didn't even learn to drive until I was older and taught myself. They got their school paid for. I worked and paid for my education myself. And yet here I am taking care of my parents while my brothers do nothing. We should probably call it the Cinderella Syndrome or something.

But you know, I don't think there is anything wrong with it except we can end up being poor. There are no Prince Charmings waiting to rescue us, so we have to make sure we have something to fall back on. I think our standard answer to "Should I quit my job to take care of family" should be NO!!! We owe it to ourselves not to end up in poverty.

hope22, life starts new each day. The hard part will be to figure where you want to go. Figuring out how to get there should be easier.
hope22, you are welcome for my remarks and I am grateful for the other folks who gave their compassionate support, too. I would add that, while medications can often be helpful, I would really encourage you to seek some psychotherapy from a psychologist, licensed counselor, social worker, marriage & family therapist (psychiatrists do not usually do talk therapy but can help with medications). I wish you all the best; you certainly deserve it.
Amazingly, this site is a godsend at helping me verbalize my feelings. I have had a monstrous migraine today and after a bit finally had to just take a nap while my Mom was asleep. It helped relieve that pain, so I woke up feeling a bit more hopeful...and onward we go, I will try again tomorrow...thank you all again. :)
f**k " stuff " . stuff is an impediment . you may be more together than anyone around you . they may be the deluded ones. serve your heart and your obligations , self imposed or otherwise . i burned my " stuff " in a week long fire when mom died and i came home .. looking around -- clock , envelopes , meds , heating stove , speakers , m - f ' in coffee pot , you get the jist .
stuff blows ..
Hope, sweetie...you need an outlet. Someone to talk to. We're here for you anytime, of course, but we are faceless names on a screen. We can only do so much for you. I would strongly recommend you talk to someone locally - a priest/pastor/minister, therapist, support group - someone who can listen and understand what you're going through and possibly offer you some options for help. (Saying that in the sense that you need to get some help to give yourself a break.)

I feel for you - I truly do. You seem to be teetering on the edge of a meltdown, and while we're all entitled to those now and then, I think you really need to be talking to someone locally that can give you some concrete options and not just pat you on the back and offer consolation.

Keep us posted. We're all here for you and concerned. :-)
Without reading all of the previous posts, you are definitely on the verge of a meltdown. Don't let her win! Don't let her win! Did I say that? Be strong! She really depends on you for some things and well for others, let her do it! I've been doing this now for 1.5 years and I'm thinking she needs to move out! That is to Assisted Living where she can find comfort with new friends and a great healthcare team! I'm done playing this part. In the meantime, I will be as cordial as possible and continue to serve until we find a better place, that is before I lose my mind. I don't recommend care giving to any one person

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