There is something wrong with me.

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Throughout the course of this adventure, as well as throughout my life, I am finally wanting and needing to know what is wrong with me. There is something inherently wrong with me, there has to be. I do not begrudge being here for my Mom, truly I do not...but all of my life I have done these kinds of things and now am finally seeing that none of it is the least bit appreciated and I know if Mom was able to do so, she would get up, pack her suitcase and move herself into a nursing home. I know she did not want me to do this...I honestly can't imagine doing anything else. But with the loss of my house, I will have officially lost absolutely everything I worked my entire life for. everything. And I think something is wrong with this picture. My Mom is a wonderful woman, but I do not believe even my Mom would have done what i am doing...I have never felt like a normal kid, I have never fit in in the adult world. So what on earth is wrong with me that I have literally fiddled while Rome burned and lost everything I ever worked my behind off for. All the nephews I spent most of my money on, the brother who I helped redecorate their lavish lake home, even parents I have been here for my entire life....I must be the dumbest person on the face of the earth..or naive, or stupid. I don't require much "stuff" to live...a good thing, as I have officially lost my a**.......and it is my own fault.....and I know it.

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I do think Mama is staying for some reason...and it could very well be for me....because I know she does know somewhere deep inside that all of this has gone on and it is wrong....before she became this ill, she used to tell me I have always done too much for everyone and I need to take better care of myself....but no one ever worried about her, unless I did it...We kind of looked out for one another I guess. I hope this does not sound awful, but during the times when she has been in the "down" moments...and her prognosis was not good, and it was just me and her, I have made sure she knows just how much I love her, respect her and all I want is for her to be happy. I have also told her not to worry about me, because she raised me to be strong, and it is OK if she is tired and wants to go home. So I have already had that conversation with her. I would never try to make her stay when she wants to go. So now I just pray at night with her when she is going to sleep. I trust the rest is in God's hands.
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Just off the top of my head, I think that your mother is trying to care for you, now. Please tell her that it is OK, to move to on.
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I totally agree with you shakingdustoff. I can't imagine why people can't see this. I spent a lot of time yesterday looking back through life and trying to decide what I would have changed. There are obviously some things I would change from the standpoint of bad decisions I made in relationships..but I can honestly say, I have never helped someone or something that I now wish I had not...To me, my sole purpose of being on this earth is to follow God and help others...I do't fit in anywhere and constantly get to hear how stupid and naive I am...I don't agree at all...but it sure can make for a lonely life when I am already exhausted. Thank you.
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Thank you. I do know that I am a child of God. And I do matter. And then someone else comes along to remind me that I am a loser....I know in my heart I am not and I know in my heart that God loves me and He sees and He knows what is true. I also know that my Mom would tell me she appreciates me if she could...and I know my Daddy is proud of me. So I have to live on these things....and keep trying. I have been knocked down all of my life. I have got to learn to stop getting back up and handing them the baseball bat over and over again.
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There is nothing wrong with YOU Hope22! There would be something wrong with your programming, but your programming can be changed. What we believe, how we think, how we view the world, and how we act in it are powerfully shaped by the sum total of all our experiences.....but there is a version of you underneath that, beyond it. The person who can help you heal even if it is just you yourself has to dig deep down to that level to change the pattern of not protecting yourself. You do deserve a good life. Counseling can help but not just any counselor can - please talk to at least three before deciding on one. I don't know how housebound you are with your mother though - I know there are some therapists who even work over the internet through skype. In the meantime, try to do one thing every day that increases your well-being, that says to you in your heart that you matter.
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Captain, as usual, you crack me up...at least in a good way...and you are so right...stuff blows for sure.. :) I think what has happened to me at this point is I no longer trust anyone, for anything, at any time. I am definitely on the verge of something...a meltdown? a crazed franatic lunatical scene running down the street in the neighborhood screaming "I"m mad as h*ll and I'm not going to take it anymore" ??? (Actually that one sounds like it might be helpful)....my Mom is now totally bedfast and has been for the past five months. It is a daunting job for one person. I have not spent the night away from this house in over two years now. The longest I have been away is six hours and since I had to continue calling and reminding my "sitter" to feed Mom, check on her, etc. it was hardly relaxing. I am about to have to get my (dare I say it) "stuff" from my former home as they will begin foreclosure on June 7, so all I know to do is place Mom is respite care for a few days as I cannot count on anyone to do anything. To be honest, as much as I hate to lose my home in this way, while I have tried my best, it just isn't happening. I picked the worst realtor I could have gotten and he has sat on his butt knowing I was getting close to be foreclosed on and since it is a two hour trip to my home, it was only later that I found out he never even advertised my home. How he thought he could sell it without telling anyone it was for sale is beyond me. Ah well, I did make it through this day, and I'm still here. And Mom woke up this evening and laughed and talked a little bit, so that makes me hang in there.....so here I am....hanging in there... :) thank you all for visiting with me today :)
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Without reading all of the previous posts, you are definitely on the verge of a meltdown. Don't let her win! Don't let her win! Did I say that? Be strong! She really depends on you for some things and well for others, let her do it! I've been doing this now for 1.5 years and I'm thinking she needs to move out! That is to Assisted Living where she can find comfort with new friends and a great healthcare team! I'm done playing this part. In the meantime, I will be as cordial as possible and continue to serve until we find a better place, that is before I lose my mind. I don't recommend care giving to any one person
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Hope, sweetie...you need an outlet. Someone to talk to. We're here for you anytime, of course, but we are faceless names on a screen. We can only do so much for you. I would strongly recommend you talk to someone locally - a priest/pastor/minister, therapist, support group - someone who can listen and understand what you're going through and possibly offer you some options for help. (Saying that in the sense that you need to get some help to give yourself a break.)

I feel for you - I truly do. You seem to be teetering on the edge of a meltdown, and while we're all entitled to those now and then, I think you really need to be talking to someone locally that can give you some concrete options and not just pat you on the back and offer consolation.

Keep us posted. We're all here for you and concerned. :-)
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f**k " stuff " . stuff is an impediment . you may be more together than anyone around you . they may be the deluded ones. serve your heart and your obligations , self imposed or otherwise . i burned my " stuff " in a week long fire when mom died and i came home .. looking around -- clock , envelopes , meds , heating stove , speakers , m - f ' in coffee pot , you get the jist .
stuff blows ..
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Amazingly, this site is a godsend at helping me verbalize my feelings. I have had a monstrous migraine today and after a bit finally had to just take a nap while my Mom was asleep. It helped relieve that pain, so I woke up feeling a bit more hopeful...and onward we go, I will try again tomorrow...thank you all again. :)
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