Why can't I adjust to placing my Mom in a NH?

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I just placed my mom 2 weeks ago in a nursing home and I feel so down when I think or visit her there. I feel like I am responsible for her happiness. She barely recognizes me and looks so lost. She can still talk and walk, but her speech is all nonsense words. I honestly don't think she is aware of her surroundings or the people there. She is still continent but I found her in a big diaper. She is losing weight due to a picky eater, but I know they try to get her to eat. I noticed her blanket she had on the bed was soiled. The furniture in the common area looks like they are all soiled with spills and such. Do they sanitize the furniture? They put an easy chair in her room and it was stained. I guess I am just picky. They said they would wash her blanket. I keep thinking about my mom walking around and around and feeling lost. I am so upset I can't even enjoy my life. I feel like I am abandoning her I keep telling myself they are caring for her now and I should just let it go. It is a daily struggle for me. I know that moms life is pretty much over and I have a lot of life to live. i guess I got to give myself permission to live. I start feeling sick when I have to go visit her, due to seeing her so vulnerable. How do I come to peace with her being in the nursing home? I feel like it is my duty that she is being cared for properly and she is happy. This is tearing me up!

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There is no excuse for a NH to be dirty, and that is what you are describing. My Mother is in one and it is fairly large and there are no dirty blankets, stained furniture, or odors.

Have you checked to see if there are complaints about this particular NH, with the state you are in?

Can you do her laundry? Can you bring in a chair from home?

I would sit down with the administrator and her nurse and voice your concerns. I hope that you are POA, so that they can talk to you.
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It's still very new two weeks is not very long. I totally understand what you are going through its so hard. My mother has dementia and we placed her in a nursing home and six weeks later she was still raising h*ll , crying, leaving us heartbreaking messages. She is also on medicare and her caseworker told us we were limited and that was a good facility. Everytime I went to visit she was alone in her room and no one would even came in for hours. We were blessed to have found a memory center that at the time was taking a few medicare patients and she was accepted after a month or so we couldn't believe how good she was settling in. They were not under staffed and as she put it bugged her constantly. Now six months later we can't get her to leave for an outing. That place has become her safety, her home. Thank you Jesus... The same day we took her there and was sitting in her room with her she told us, I feel safe here. She still complains about petty stuff but we know she is safe and being taken care of good. There are all levels of progression there and some cannot communicate and are really progressed but what I noticed is they let don't let them stay in their rooms they include all of them and if they want to walk around trying to open doors and wander they let them. Its a locked facility. So I think you should give it time and if you still have concerns about her needs not being met. Try a memory center it could make all the difference in the world. The staff knows dementia and how to handle them. I wish you the best of luck and again I know how hard it is especially if your not sure she is getting the best of care. Best wishes
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I did see a therapist and she said that I am grieving. I guess that makes sense. The process is so long when they have dementia. My husband is having knee replacement surgery on Monday, so my caregiving duties will be needed at home for a few weeks. Letting go is just so hard. I can hardly stay an hour when I go. Everyone around me said that I had done all I could, before placing her in the nursing home. I guess one is never prepared for the atmosphere of a nursing home. My mom qualified for medicaid so I am somewhat limited on facilities. Most of the other places seemed similar. Such a sad situation to be in to see your mom go inch by inch.
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My mother is lucky. She's in a small (60 residents) family owned and operated nursing home. The staff are wonderful and the place is spotless. See if you can find a NH that is family owned and run, rather than one owned by a big corporation.
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It really is a sad time, and your sadness is more than understandable. But I am guessing you placed her because it was more than you could handle at home and being at home was not going to help her be that much less lost and disoriented due to her dementia.

From a practical point of view, you can bring her more familiar items when you visit, just to see if it helps her feel better. And you are not abandoning her if you are carefully assessing whether a dirty blanket gets cleaned or not and whether that means anything about how well the facility is taking care of her. How the people treat her is probably more important than how nice and clean the furnishings are, unless by "soiled" you mean really nasty, stinky, and seriously unsanitary. If you decide that the facility is not good for her, you work on finding a better one. You are still her daughter and you are still looking out for her.
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I always found visiting my mother in the nursing home to be depressing. In between your words, I'm reading what I think is anticipatory grief which is normal and you might even have some depression because of the situation.

You have answered much of your own question in what you wrote above, like keep telling yourself they are taking care of her and let it go which is easier said than done, and give yourself permission to live.

If you are not able to come to peace with her being in a nursing home within the next week or two, I suggest seeing a therapist to help you work through your feelings.
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I know exactly how you feel. My daughter is 32 and headed for a nursing home with Palliative care. She can't walk, is living on IV's and lots of drugs. Time is short. Just hold her hand and sit in the sunshine while you can.
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