Resentment.

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Hello all, I'm new to this site. I don't know who to vent to. As a child, I was born with a cleft lip and palate and a loving mother (she loved me-and drugs) so in came my Grandparents... they took care of me and raised me when I had no one else. I was very close with them, they were my adoptive parents. Fast forward to a year ago, when I got engaged to my now husband. I was the happiest girl in the world. A month later, my Grandpa had a massive heart attack and died. My Grandma almost immediately went into the hospital. She almost died too, but came through and went back home. My Grandparents had 4 children, and 6 grandchildren. I am the only one who will help care for my Grandma. She is a christian and believes that you shouldn't sleep together before marriage; so i had to get married a month after my Grandpa's death so that I could move into my grandma's house to take care of her and still be with my husband. It was at the courthouse. No one could walk me down the aisle and was one of the most depressing days of my life even though I wouldn't trade my husband for anything. I can't work with the constant attention she needs, and she thinks that I am a "charity case" and just needed a place to stay. She is oblivious to the fact that she shouldn't drive and can barely walk. I find myself wanting a drink a bit too frequently. What do I do?

10 Comments

I'm an extreme introvert and she needs someone to talk to during all waking hours. Im a night owl and she wakes up at 6am. I feel so guilty and i dont know how to set boundaries. Everything has to be perfect. She is a hoarder, but shes also extremely particular about where things go. I just want to make her happy but whatever i do it isnt good enough
I'm 22 and it seems like I'm either 12 or 52 depending on how helpless or completely unlike my peers I'm feeling. My Grandma is on constant oxygen and sometimes her concentrator stops out of no where. Im dreading the power outages this winter, if im not awake to hear it go off she won't hear it. Sometimes she walks into our room after we have gone to bed if its an "emergency"- like reminding us the trash has to go out to the street. I feel guilty for venting because i love her so much but theres only so much you can take
What are grandmother's impairments? How much assistance does she need? How much of your young life are you willing to sacrifice?

You state that you can't work. Does grandma need 24/7 looking after? Or could she be managed with someone coming in a few hours a day a few times a week? Have you looked into what programs are available in your area?

What is grandma's financial situation? Can she pay for her care, or is it time to get her qualified for Medicaid. What is her doctor's opinion about what level of care she needs?
Just the bit of clarification you just gave helps. It sounds as though she would be much better cared for in a facility with a generator, especially as winter approaches. Has this been discussed?

Have a lock put on your bedroom door.
She has emphysema, lichen sclerosis, she's had strokes, she's had skin cancer, she's had blockages and has had stents put in her legs. She is able to walk short distances and she can use the bathroom and shower with the aid of a shower chair. I think she will soon be using padded underpants as she cant always make it to the bathroom. She would be so lonely and miss her house so much if she went into a facility
She also forgets things and it keeps getting worse. Her doctor doesn't know about it and she would be quite mad at me for bringing it up, although i think i might have to.
You say she loves to talk to people. I think she would be so happy and social in a nice assisted living place. Lots of activities to go to and people to talk to. Perhaps she would give it a try for the upcoming winter months.
I think it's time to drag the middle generation into this mess. This task should not fall to you. You haven't begun to have a chance to live your life yet. And you are too much under the thumb of your grandmother, due to your young age and the fact that she raised you. You haven't tried your own wings yet. You deserve a chance to do that.

You love her but you need to leave the nest. You have the right to start out your married life in privacy with your husband, and bring children into the world (and into your home) based on whether you want them, not based on whether your sick grandmother wants them, or whether there's room in her home for them.

I suggest telling your mother and her siblings that you will need to place grandma in a facility unless they come up with a better plan for her care. And mean it. You're entitled to your own life. Be strong. We have your back.
Who has grandma's powers of attorney? Are all of her legal affairs in order? Her children need to help grandma figure out what comes next for her needs as they increase. And they will. You go on and live your life you are much too young to have to give up everything to provide care needed. Most loving parents and especially grandparents would not want young adults giving up so much. Get on with your life, find work, enjoy your young married years they will not last very long until additional responsibilities will take your time and energy. Care for yourself.
Hi new here,i am so tired of caregiving one way or the other.I took care of my ageing mother and veteran husband for tirty years haf a stroke now have lupus and take care of my sibilings and those around me now. At 50 I think I am supposed to serve others but i am just so tired anymore and feel guilty evrn complaing about it. Just needed to vent thanks for listening and happy holidays

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