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I cannot emotionally, physically or financially deal with it. But the guilt is overwhelming. She is 89, lives alone in a 3 bedroom home( in a very unsafe neighborhood). I work full time 95 miles from home and have no backup savings. My life is a mess and I cannot focus on hers. She doesn't want outside help. She is trying to schedule a dental procedure where they will be removing 12 to 14 teeth. I have advised against it because of her age and frail condition but she and her dentist insist she will only need someone with her for 3 days. I just don't see that happening. I can barely make it 2 hours with her or at her house without a panic attack. How could I ever make it 3 days. And it won't end after that. I don't care what the doctor says, anytime you put a nearly 90 year old under sedation, they are not going to be the same afterwards. Does anyone know if she could be admitted to a hospital for this since she is so insistent that she needs this done.

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Kimber, I know how the guilt can overwhelm you, it happens to me daily. Thank goodness I am not hands-on care because I am one of those people not cut out to be a caregiver but am great at logistics but there is still that panic of the guilt.

Has hard as it will be tell your mother "no, I just can't do that".... and if she insists on having that dental work done then you will find her a 24-hour Caregiver to be with her while she recovers, but she would be responsible for paying those Caregivers.....

That's one time I learned in therapy dealing with my folks, if they insist on living on their own without any outside help, then they have to deal with the responsibility that comes with being on their own.
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I will tell you a story that happened to me. 6 months before my father died, my mother called me and said :your father is unbearable to live with, I am coming to stay with you." I said. You know we don't get along." she said so you won't let me come and live with you?" I said no. She hung up and neither one of us mentioned it again. some times you just have to say "I just don't have it in me to do this, or to deal with you in a positive way. My mother was horrible to me most of my life, and expected me to take in her. No way, sorry but I moved 6 hours away, to find my self esteem, self worth and self respect. Sometime we just have to say No to family members, for our selves.
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Rosie, you could hire someone to come in using your mother's money. Let her know that it is the only way this is possible, that there are no other options. Good luck. I don't know why older people don't want people coming in. I wouldn't mind it at all if someone came in to help me here.
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Rosie - I'm not sure how I see this is your problem. You live and work a long distance away. Your mom, as a competent adult, is making a bad decision - but it is hers to make. Likewise, it is her responsibility to manage her after procedure care. She and her dentist need to address this - it isn't your problem. If she has been asking/expecting you to take care of her "I'm not able to do that". Thanks
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Sometimes when I take mom places, she tells people like her doctor, that I am a good nurse. Or that I am her nurse. I just smile, but inside I feel like running.
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Rosie, if your mother is competent to make her own medical decisions, then having her teeth removed is up to her. What is up to you is whether you will care for her while she is convalescing for "3 days."

Make it absolutely clear that YOU will not be providing the care. You don't need to explain why. You have good and sufficient reasons. A registered letter to the dentist with a copy to your mother should make your intentions clear. Something along the lines of ...

Dear Dr Smith

I understand that you are intended to remove some of my mother's teeth and that there will be a convalescence period afterward. I want to make it clear that I am not able to provide that needed care, in case she has said something other than that. I hope you can help her make arrangements for whatever she will need after the surgery. She cannot count on family help for this purpose.

Sincerely,
Rose Doe

You cannot do what is expected of you. Make that clear to the people with the expectations.

Good luck! And let us know how it works out.
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Has she any savings at all, is it possible that she can be booked into a facility for convalescent care for a week or two following the extractions? This is becoming more common for even "minor" procedures, in fact some doc's are even beginning to insist upon it before they will proceed.
Alternatively, would she agree to come and stay with you for a few days? Its too bad the dentist has his head up his *$$, he could insist if she is resistant.
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I don't feel guilty over these types of situations. We as children, don't ask for any of this... create the situations, or have a contract that states we have to handle their lives or else suffer shame. I'd do my best to change her mind, but after that, let it go. We're not put on this Earth to be miserable.
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Why not have her get the procedure in the hospital. While she is there have the doctor do some routine test (all hospital love to add to the bill) see is they could keep her for those three days. Years ago I had wisdom teeth and 4 back teeth removed and had it done it the hospital I stayed 1 days and healed quickly. However, being 90 she would require monitoring of her condition afterward. I would all the doctor and talk to him, about keep her in the hospital for 3 days as a preventive thing. Best of luck. Nan
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Rosie, my mom neglected her teeth and never went to the dentist after my father died, and I just didn't notice I had never taken her. When she finally got a toothache the local dentist said most of her remaining teeth needed to go, they were beyond repair. She booked an appointment at a dental surgeon which was about an hours drive from my mom's place, but since I didn't live with mom then it was more like a 2 hour trip for me into an unfamiliar area. Anyway, I started calling local dentists for a consult and luckily found one who had worked with nursing home residents and was very kind and knowledgeable. He did the extractions with a local anaesthetic, repairing and preserving 6 front teeth in order to affix a new lower denture. That was when mom was about 90. I think you said your mom needed 14 teeth extracted, I don't know if it would be possible to do that many without being put under, but it can't hurt to get some second opinions, even if it is just a few questions over the telephone.
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