How can I get help dealing with my pain and hurt from caregiving?

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I need help dealing with my emotions over this situation. My partner of 24 years had emphysema. We sold our home and moved to another state where our family and friends lived. I still had business in the previous state and payed rent to stay with a mutual friend. Somehow while I was away for a few weeks my partner got it in his head that I was having an affir with this other man (no way) and also cheating him out of money. This was the tip of the iceberg. To make a long story short, I believed at the time that the steroids he was taking for emphysema contributed to this weird behavior. By the time I returned home, he had become extremely ill mentally and physically, but because we never married I was now cut out of the loop and not allowed to speak to the doctors, although one of the nurses who was an old friend dropped the dementia word. However, he was very convincing and convinced even my own brother, his children and my closest cousin that I had changed my moral character and had become an alcoholic as well. I was stunned. He moved out, bugged my father's house where I now lived and told social services my father had threatened him and attempted to sue my family and have my 87 year old dad put in jail- the nicest gentlest man I've ever known. Rex was 70. He immediately frittered away one third of our assets while I was away and stole my checkbooks and the bank pressed charges against him. I paid his son thousands more to take him back to Canada where he could get better care (he was a Canadian citizen). Soon his son realized it wasn't me. Then he suddenly died, leaving anger and confusion everywhere and so much more trouble I haven't mentioned. Some people tell me it wasn't him,it was the dementia. But I wonder. I need to be in a better place about all this. Can anyone share anything that might help me deal with my anger and confusion? I've always been very spiritual and he became the most horrible person I've known- almost like he was gone and someone else stepped in his body. I'm having trouble forgiving. I lost my friend, partner, close family, home and reputation in a matter of 3 short months and am struggling to make sense of all this. Can dementia do all this?


Dementia can do all that and more, nonie.. relationships with the patient and others around you come into play. dementia can completely change a person. the patient as well as the caregiver. there are those of us that hate the person we are taking care of sometimes. but we all have to remember that its the disease and not the person. under all the confusion and hurt that THEY are feeling, is more hurt and confusion. i'm deeply sorry for your loss, but you HAVE to remember the better times. that is the person you fell in love with. the person who passed away, didnt know what it was that he was doing. its shameful for the way his family treated you. they should have been better informed in his illness. if they had been, they would have realized that he needed everyone around him that loved him, even though HE didnt know what was what. with this illness, patients can have false memories, paranoia, delusions and many more symptoms. like i said, his family, so uninformed, should have done their research first before taking over the way they did. your loved one was not a horrible person. the disease is. mourn for the man you loved, not what the disease did to him.
My mother had dementia. I saw the early signs while she was living in her home.
While in the hospital, either something they did to her caused her to completely loose her mind or her dementia finally took over. I think something happened but could never prove it. Regardless, when she was in a nursing home, she didn't know where she was and didn't who I was. During the early stages, she did and said things that hurt my feelings. Other people in the family wanting the money had her cashing checks made out to Cash for $500 each. Mom did not spend that money. When I took over the finances was when I discovered what was happening and that's also when the "caring relatives" disappeared.

I am sorry your situation was so horrible. Yes you have every right to be angry and bitter. My mother died in 2002 two months after I got out of the hospital because I drove myself into the ground. I have never spoke to any of them since. It's easy since they live 40 miles away in another town.

I try to practice Christian principles but sometimes all you can do is ask that the anger and bitterness be removed from your heart so you are not affected by the negative emotions. Your feelings will do nothing to the people involved. They will only harm you.

I know this is easier said than done. I'm still working on it. I am a caregiver for my husband who was recently diagnosed with Cancer and his family isn't much help. They all live in other states and have their excuses...but the difference between me and them is that I would make the effort if it was my Dad or Brother.

So take my advice before you make yourself sick. If you can't manage it by yourself, go to a Chaplain, Counselor, Support Group...somebody to help you deal with this.
Give yourself time- it will take time until you can forgive-and yes steriods can be what caused a lot of this esp. if they were stopped quickly, I am being tapered off them now at 1 mg. a week and was not on a large dose to begin with-God bless you.
My heart breaks for all you are going thru.So many emotions to get a handle on. I know dementia changes people but that does sound steroid related.
But all that aside, pick one feeling and try to deal with that one.It is hard to grieve the loss of someone who ended up being a stranger to you. As was said, try to remember him as he was. Maybe that will come later. There are no magic answers, just know we all are here for you. Talk about things until there is nothing left to talk about. I am sending you cyber-hugs, and compassion. you have a rough road, but you are not alone.
Hi all, I hate myself, i know the answers are right in front of me and i am weak and can not face my husband and make the right decision. My mom-in-law had another stroke 3 weeks ago. shes back home now with much more limited mobility.Last night we had her taken to the hospital due to shortness of breath. This is new.Great just what i need. The doctors tried to talk to her and my husband, that we had pretty much gone as far as we can and it is time to start tlooking at other option for her lliving. Rembering she had never made long term care plans. Owns her own home, We live in Maine and this state has a wonderful law that when a person goes into care the take whatever they have to pay for it. You hsve to have liquidated assest two years prior to nursing care. Me I don't really care if she losses everything to the state i don't want it. I don't even have a dime in my purse at this moment. I do not even own a vechicle.I used all my unemployment this summer to take care of her, meds, foods, gas to doctors etc... She finnally 8 weeks ago decided to pay me 250 a week, but i buy the food, depends, everything for the household. rembering always this woman has money in the bank and thinks i am extravagant for cooking a roast on a tuesday. My husband is unemployed(construction) helps alittle not much with the mentall stuff, which is what is KILLING me. He will not listen to the professional telling uss we can not continue this way. I think they are looking at me as being at the end of my rope, I don't know how to get over ll this hurt and resentment any thoughts from anyone would be appreciated.
Hi mstish,
I feel for you and the resentment that you have
Once my therapist said I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen so I had to make plans small ones at first and told him he stays in the nursing home or goes to day care or we get an aide - I had to rescue myself. It seems to me she needs to be placed why don't you go to an Elder lawyer they know all the rules- in NY they can go back 5-7 years and my mother in law was very selfish with her money and kept it even tho my husband did everything for her and she would not have been able to stay in her house without him so of course when she went inyo placement the NH got everything. Your husband since he is not working should have to do all her cares for a week without help from you then maybe he will get it-you are killing yourself or what I would do since she has money have him use it for aides now for 5-6 hrs a day she should be able to afford that. I think you have every right to be hurt and resentful, do you have clergy that would talk to meathead since he does not see what he is doing to you
195 I'm not sure your fimiliar with a greek orthodox,, clergy is a man, who also thinks we need to take care of the elders in our family. So much for faith.. I am Roman Catholic (not a good one at that) but can't help lately thinking i need some faith back in my life. Most of my life i was very selfish, the baby of large family, the rebel, the addict.. all things bad I acheived. I honestly thought turning my life around and doing something for someone (mom=-in-law), would help me find the redemption i was looking for. Geuss i was wrong.I love the idea of him doing this for a week , my issue here is that can you imagine what i would come back to in a week. He honestly just told me that putting her to bed 4 nights a week is helping half of the time. He said i don't get up and check on her at night like he does. Funny the one thing she does do is sleep through the night, I have a monitor next to my bed, so i do keep an ear on her.We had a very strong relationship of 10 years before we started this crazy caregiving journey last May, but now i question his love and commitment to me. I do understand this is his mother but there are so many issues he and i are just not really able to take care of. I'm so sorry for ranting like this i just don't know which way to turn. I'm not even sure i know how anymore.
can someone tell me why this woman i care for hates me. I do everything, usuallly to her specifications.. She is so mean i'm not sure how you all go on day by day without having feelings of anger and hurt. I'm just feeling so inadiquate.She is actually mad that i would not let her eat runny egg whites this morning, and that i am paying 130.00 to have a tooth extracted today. I have been in pain for 2 weeks now, still doing everything here everyday, how can a woman who the doctors say is mentally fine( i feel otherwise) think i am wasting money. She also is mad about what foods i buy. She pays me 250 a week for caring for her,but I buy the food with this money, she still refuses to help pay, saving her money for a rainy day.. I had to borrow the money from family to do this tooth today. i don't know what i ranting about but like always it feels good to just get it out thanks...
Just adding here. It is so hard day after day, putting the needs of someone else before your own and then having them be mean and vicious. But it is like most have said here, it is the illness, not the person. And that is the hard part, remembering the old person, and then having to deal with the person that dementia turns them into. If I had not found this group I think I would have walked away a while ago. We ALL deal with the guilt, hurt and anger...........hopefully coming here helps. I know it does for me.

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