My burnout is complete.

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For the past 15 months my life has changed considerably and not for the best. Mom’s accident, care of her, care for dad, moving them to AL last fall etc. I was strong with everything. But my folks have been pretty unhappy at their AL place (Nov 2015) even though its lovely and they (at times) agree it’s nice (they loved in the beginning.) Such lovely residents and staff but the dependency on me is too intense and it’s time I broke away a bit. I do regret moving them so close to me but I really thought it would be easier. I am getting them established with doctor appointments and though the AL place can take them they can't in the beginning. Some of the appts aren't that big a deal anyway.
However my dad's depression has hit an all-time low recently (even with medication and recent therapy) and he is now in the psych ward for the elderly here in town for the next few weeks. It's a great hospital that I know will help him. We are very lucky it’s local but after he comes back to AL...I have no idea how he will do. Poor man has had a lifetime of depression but has worked so hard overcoming it. Being at AL isn't helping his state of mind as he sees it as an end. He is physically in great shape. He has several more years if not more but without a decent outlook on life what’s the point? My mom’s sleeping patterns suck so I have to get her meds looked at as I know one or two knock her out in the morning. That’s no life! If I can get my parents to read again that would be the greatest! They both are big readers! No…I can’t have them live with us. There is no point in that as they do require too much care now and they have the money to oversee this.
My mom needs to take this time and get to know people more personally at AL. She has but not enough. She is now eating meals with a few of them. She misses dad terribly and that's understandable but I can't babysit her every day. My own health both mental and physical is starting to fade. My hair has started to fall out. AUGH! My siblings try but I am taking on 90% of most of this. I have accepted it and too many families have this similar situation. I have little fun in my life this year. I am just tired. My blood pressure is A-ok shockingly.
By mid-summer I will be giving most of the responsibilities over to the AL place as I can't do it anymore. I have such respect for you all who actually live with this for years in your own homes.
Caregiver burnout is intense and very real. When your own life is unrecognizable to you it’s time to make changes. Thanks for reading.
I miss my dad :'(


I hope you can hold on until midsummer. Why can't the AL facility take over before then? Making them happy may not be possible. I'm not sure I would let myself be responsible for that.

You are right about your health. I went though that and suffered AFTER I got out from under the bulk of the work. Once Memory Care took over most of the duties, I was free to attend to myself. You might line up appointments tor medical and dental care now. Try to be more gentle with yourself.
Yes, I have many appts lined up between now and July 13. Summer is already here. I have to see this through but have the AL on board. They know all about this.
It's essential that I get back to my life now. You're right...I may not be able to make them happy.
At 53 I have a long way to go (hopefully)
I am quite grateful both homes sold and there is money to care for their needs.
Thank you for your nice note.
Even when your loved ones are in AL, there is still lots of work, especially, if you are the DPOA and HCPOA. What I started doing was thinking out loud before I did things. I would question, Is this reasonable? I try to abide by that. It's one way to keep me in check.
C99Brook, if your parents can afford the AL facility to take care of the things you use to do, let them do that. I tried to get my folks into Independent Living but it fell on deaf ears [pun intended]. Once my Mom passed, my Dad was ready to move to senior living.

Couple months ago I let the facility take over the management of Dad's pills as Dad was forgetting to take them. Dad had morning caregivers for 4 mornings out of the week, and last month I asked the Agency to add another 2 mornings. Dad grumbles about the cost, but I don't care, this is for my own sanity.

Lot of work trying to empty my parents house, it's been 3 months now and I am just too tired to open their front door and finish sorting out things. Hey, I am a senior myself, going 70 years old. I am also in full charge of my Dad's financials as Dad just can't manage the bills any more. My gosh, it's like having a part-time job untop of my current employment.

You are right, caregiver burnout is intense and very real, it doesn't matter if one is hands-on 24 hours a day, or doing the logistical work trying to get everything organized. Dad's been in the senior living for over 4 months now, and just the other day my mental and physical health had crashed and burned from 7 long years of trying to talk sense into two 90+ year olds who refused to moved from their house which had a lot of stairs... thus I am in the process of getting therapy/meds to help me through this.

How I wish I would rewind the past few years, I would have done things so differently.... by enabling my parents to keep living their own lifestyle I had to make major changes to my own. What is wrong with this picture?
FF and c99I feel for you. I was alway pretty chipper for the 2 years I first took in my folks,, but now adding the IL drama to my life is sucking the joy out of me. hubs is moody, Mom is moody.. I am not alowed to be moody.. Heck yes I am! I am always in a state of dread lately.. Hope I snap out of it soon
You know it's amazing that there are all these adult children of seniors who run themselves ragged trying to care for their parents and others who could care less.

In my personal life, I know many seniors, most are friends with my parents, whose adult children do NOTHING for them. They call and make modest request, even just a short visit on the holiday or a 5 minute call, but their kids are too busy, not available, never get around to it. It's really shocking. It's amazing. Some go overboard and other seniors get nothing. lol I know these people too and they are good, kind people who gave their children so much growing up. I can't figure it out.
C99Brook - I see a lot of my own experiences in your post. I also see some in others replies. I think freqflyer has a message that hits a mark for me and should for you too. That is - do not allow it to become a situation where you have twisted your own life up in knots in order for them to live as they choose. Enabling. My mother just chugged along making demands of me in order for her to do what she wanted. Mom either didn't care or couldn't see the toll it was taking on me. I honestly think that some of these parents, like my mother - stop seeing you as a person with their own life. You become more of a tool that they use to remain as independent as possible. Thing is - the independence is a farce - because if it weren't for the enabling adult child, they would be force to adjust their lives, maybe move to AL or accept an outside caregiver etc. You've got the right idea - letting AL take more care of your parents - follow through with it. If you don't you'll wind up with lost years you'll never get back. I finally got it - but not until a lot of damage had been done - and yes, lost years.
I almost forgot! About your hair - the same thing happened to me when it became clear my father - whom I adored, would pass at any time. My hair continued to fall out as it also became clear I was going to have to look after my mother - whom I have "issues" with - at a far more involved level than I had anticipated - and she's a handful. Anyhoo- loosing my hair was especially traumatic for me as I've alway had good hair, to the point it was a part of my identity- I hate how shallow that sounds...So, I did some research and learned about supplements/vitamin that would help. Look into somethings called MSM, L-Carnitine and iron. I had to add all three and it did the trick. If you can take supplements- give these a try.
Rainmom.....I also love my hair and I'll be damned if I'll lose it over this!
Thank you for your remedy! I will check it out today!

Rainmom Im going through the losing my hair thing right now and its devastating to me. 2 years worth of h3ll have taken their toll . Its traumatizing to go from thick beautiful hair to scalp for miles. How long did it take for you to see results from those supplements? Im at the point where Im spending lots of $$ trying to fix it AND hide it. I just want my beautiful hair back. My stress has ended ( Almost ended... my mother moved to her own place thank you Jesus) so I hope that helps.... and I keep telling myself it took a couple of years to fall out so give it some time but Im sick of hiding it and scared to death it will never grow back.

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