How to "reset" after an especially tiring/trying day?

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My mother-in-law moved in with us three months ago. She broke her hip in a fall. also has COPD, A-Fib, & CHF. She is in our living room (hospital bed, easy lift chair, wheelchair, walker, table etc). First couple weeks she would throw fits like a toddler. Screaming about whatever she decided she wasn't going to do anymore, drink water, take her meds, change her clothes etc. She had been living in her home with my SIL as her caregiver. My SIL was not taking care of herself or my MIL, not following through with doctors, meds, nutrition or basic care/hygiene. This is why we moved my MIL in with us. I have gotten all of these things under control for my MIL now. I have been encouraging SIL to do the same for herself while she has this break as a caregiver. My SIL does not work & lives rent free in my MIL house. Me & my husband both run our own businesses, run a farm & have young kids still at home, plus grown kids now with grand babies. We have paid & sent help to my SIL house to make it livable for my MIL to return. (My SIL is a hoarder) This weekend we moved MIL back with SIL. Two hours later SIL had a heart attack. I rushed from work to get my MIL who was left alone after SIL went to hospital. While I then went to hospital my husband called & said there were roaches everywhere & her dogs extremely overgrown toenails were bleeding all over the new carpet we paid for. There wasn't any food in the house, or sheets/blankets/pillows for my MIL to sleep with. I have insisted my MIL get PT/OT, eat properly, drink water, get her INR tests, take her meds. Her health and baseline has improved drastically. She is better than she has been in 10years, yet she still wants to be in her own home. She can not cook, clean, bathe/dress or remember to take her meds herself so she can not live alone. She is also a fall risk. we brought her back to our home against her wishes to stay by herself til my SIL got back from the hospital. Im burnt out. Two days ago her constant moaning drove me absolutely insane. I am frustrated, angry, exhausted, scared, and generally irritated beyond belief. My SIL keeps blaming everyone & everything for her medical condition. Her blood sugar was over 300 for two months, all the while I'm begging her to go to the doctor. Its clear she is not going to change. Now what to do? Keep MIL at our home? Send her back in unsanitary conditions knowing she will deteriorate? This is so frustrating. I have had bad days the last few months, but I have always been able to get some sleep & start fresh the next with a smile & joy. Today I woke up still irritated/frsutrated/angry. How do you start fresh when you feel at rock bottom? any help suggestions much appreciated.

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What are your husband's reasons?

His mother neglects herself. She has already put your SIL in hospital (let alone the apple - tree equation). What does he suppose would be her impact on your and your children's lives were she to become part of your household?

So, all in all, whatever his reasons are I am agog to hear them. They must be resoundingly persuasive.
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I sympathize with your frustration, it is clear what needs to be done but how can you accomplish it when everyone else fights you all the way? SIL has serious mental and physical issues and shouldn't be looking after MIL, and hubbie lives in Egypt (the land of denial lol).

Would it be possible to spin a stay in AL as temporary until SIL gets back on her feet and (more importantly) the house is habitable? AL usually can assist with meds, bathing etc but there will be an additional charge for each service.

As for your stress, set your boundaries. Tell your husband it is his mother and his choice and you are off duty whenever he is home. Take some time to get out and do something you enjoy, get some exercise in the fresh air (I don't mean working outside on the farm), go for a coffee, hire in extra help for yourself around the house. I do hope MIL is contributing financially for any extras needed?
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Where do you live-do you need someone to come and pick you up?
Even though no one here can-and do not give out personal information-you need to understand the seriousness of your own symptoms of burnout.
It is like being in shock.
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Arrange for an emergency, temporary placement for 2 wks. Ask the doctor to order it. Snf is not too drastic.
If mil doesn't go in, you go on an emergency vacation, with your husband 100% caregiver.
Once she is placed, do not visit. You just sit, stay at a friends, or go to a motel-or vacation. There is no shame to having burned out, but you need to understand how urgent this becomes. You don't have to plan out the future or think about this for one week. "Husband refuses"---its on him now. No one can force you to do all these things, especially by default. Detach with love.
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I live in Canada. Assisted living here only provides meals, laundry service etc. They don't manage medication etc. I don't know how it is in the states.

As far as decompressing at the end of the day. Thats a tough one. As long as you care and love for someone that niggling little worry is always at the back of your mind.
When my Mom still lived in her own home I'd go over regularly. I'd leave satisfied but as soon as I got back home that tape of worry would replay and replay in my head. So I honestly can't give you any advice. I think your mom needs fulltime care from what you have described.
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Has your hubby ever toured an AL facility? I'm no expert but all the ones I've seen are not that different from 55+ retirement communities. Apartment living but with professional staff available at a moments notice to help with whatever the need may be.
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Since you're 50% of the team that's caring for MIL, your 50% is just as equal as your husband's 50%, and you have the right to refuse to care for her. Your husband is unfortunately naïve if he thinks that MIL will cooperate with you any more than she did in the past. Stand your ground; don't take her back in your house.
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Husband refuses Assisted living for his mom. Im currently investigating/interviewing help at home for MIL. SIL definitely has her own issues & needs to focus on herself.
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MIL needs to be in a care facility, whether she wants to be or not. She's taking you down along with her daughter (you SIL). It sounds like SIL has her own issues, but as you've found, having a whining, demanding relative living with you is enough to drive anyone round the bend.

So get MIL into an assisted living facility and do what you can (or want) to help SIL reclaim her own life. She's probably beyond depressed, trying to deal with her demanding mother. My heart goes out to ALL of you. MIL has lost her ability to fend for herself, you and SIL are depressed at trying to meet MIL's unreasonable demands.

Bottom line is we have to accept where we are in life.Your MIL needs professionals with three shifts of people to keep her safe and cared for. Your SIL and you can't manage that kind of care. You can't keep yourself sane and mentally charged trying to manage a 24/7 job with all of the demands on you.
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