My Mom is miserable and is determined to make me miserable.

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My dad & brother died 2005. Mom lived w/me & husband for 7yrs. She became a drug addict & was stealing my meds (I have spinal cord disease) & attacking me physically or fighting me every single day. I have sat up nights on end because she threatened suicide. She was put in hospital w/phenomena & a system so full of drugs the drs said she should be dead. It left damage to the brain & is in early stage of dementia. She refused any help w/drugs and made my life hell so I put her out. Forward 2 yrs, she has a trailor & my brother and family live with her. She can't live alone since she says she'll kill herself. When she gets sick (which is often) she goes outa her head. My brother & I want to help her but she refuses any of it. This is what she to be stuck to her side every second, jump at anything (no matter how crazy) she wants done, to listen to her constant life of misery, let her be free to attack anybody she chooses. She is jealous of our spouses cause they want some of our attention. She says we don't want her so if left alone she will kill herself to get some peace. I've offered to go to therapy w/her but no go. She don't wanta do nothing nor go no where or meet anybody for friends but says she miserable. I thought making her move would help my sanity but now I just spend my time on the phone (in a one way, her way conversation) of her suicide threats, or on the phone w/my brother whos trying to handle a mom that going off the deep end & verbally attacking his wife who runs crying to their room. They want out but can't leave mama alone. I tried to get her help to the point I went to court house, filled out papers & had an officer (I cant physically make her go) take her to hospital to force some therapy. Since she could say her name, date & who president was they wouldn't help. People say she needs therapy. We agree but we by law can't make her do nothing. Neither of us could handle it if she killed herself because we walked away & left her w/her spoiled, kick a fit self. Mama is used to having it her way on all things. She is no longer an addict but does take her regular meds. Some of her actions are dementia, some are pure meanness. Shes became an exact duplicate of her mom which was mean as a snake. The mentality of "I'm going to wallow in misery & make sure I keep you w/me". I don't mean to sound like a mean person but I know my mother & her mother & I know meanness from dementia. She's full of self pity & says nobody cares for her but were trying to do our best to help but she would rather wallow in the pity. She only hears what she wants to & only has feelings for herself. My brother needing support is driving me crazy keeping me tied up in mama's stuff. I'm doing all I can. She won't take no advice, suggestions or help & says I threw her on the street. I didn't. She had somewhere to go. She don't want "help" but somebody to tolerate her on going madness and misery. Legally I have no recourse in making anything happen. I wish I did. It's like she's dug a hole & standing in it. I'm putting a ladder down to her but she's throwing stones BUT if we don't stand there while she does, she's goina kill herself cause SHE wants peace!! I'm at a no win situation & I don't know what to do! I myself deal w/illness but she's not concerned about me at all. So, guilting her into help don't work. She won't let me finish a sentence much less try to guilt her into help. I have answers to help her but she don't want them. She is managing to keep two houses completely stressed out. I can't make her go see anybody & I'm not rich to be able to bring somebody in. She don't have much money but owns several pieces of property so she doesn't qualify for anything. She's very money hungry & always thinks we want something from her. I don't. I've never asked for a thing. She even asked my brother what would become of our home if we died!! She is either depressed, anger to the point she could hurt you, or being nice. One can switch to the other in a matter of minutes!! I'm exhausted and nerve shot. I don't know what to do. Her keeping me upset all the time causes the trickle down effect to my husband, who is a good man. We are financially strapped due to my illness so me getting therapy is not an option. I'm wearing down between trying to support my brother, running back & forth to mama (which w/gas prices is eating me up), listening to it ALL the time from brother & mother, trying to take care of my house, my illness, being a ear for my kids, being a grandma and just life! Getting out the bed is a struggle at this point. The stress is keeping me in a high level of pain since my nervous system malfunctions all the time due to Transverse Myelitis. I know yaw don't have answers but thank you so much for just letting me vent. I could write a book to fill in all I've skipped but space is limited & I don't expect yaw to read a book of my troubles. Thank you for your ear as my house is tired of hearing it.


Vent away. But also look up "enabling" and then explain it to your brother, too. Maybe the two of you could get some counselling to help you manage your mother humanely, but without losing your own selves? - at least you wouldn't need her co-operation for that! Rough times. My best wishes to you for a better 2014.
Oh Seasugar, you and your brother have really got it with your mom. But at the end, your mom is the only person who can make herself happy or miserable. She's the only one who can stay alive or kill herself. If you were my sister, I'd advise you and your brother to create a united front of love and support, but without enabling your mom to ruin both of your lives. You'll support her IF she gets help. If not, she's on her own. If she kills herself, that's her choice. You'll love her and support her either way, but you won't allow her to ruin your lives. She doesn't have that right. She's raised you to jump to her tune with threats of suicide. And she's succeeding nicely so far. It's sad that she thinks the only way she can get your love and support is by threatening you two with suicide.

You and your brother need support. Start with Al-Anon, which will help you learn how not to enable your mom. And it's FREE. Please, please get some help for yourself and your brother. Whether your mom kills herself is only her decision and has nothing to do with anything you or your brother are doing or will do. She's got her own demons to fight and you can't save her from those. But you can provide loving support for her to get some help. Please search out Al-Anon and get going with your brother. And let us know how you're doing. and your brother are stronger than you think! Hugs to you both! Venting does help. Not sure what to say, except best wishes and peace to your family.
This is a terrible situation to be in. You do need to extract yourself from it. Let your mother know what you plan to do. If she threatens to commit suicide, try to decide how serious the threat is. Could she just be saying it to try to keep control? Stick to your plan about what you plan to do. Leave or hang up the phone instead of trying to talk to her. She will just pull you back in. If you think the threat of suicide is serious, call 911 and talk to the police. You may feel like a traitor and that you're airing family laundry, but your mother has put you in a position that no mother should put her children in. Let the professionals handle it. I hope that you and your brother will be able to get her into a safe place so you can get some sanity back to your lives.

If your mother does commit suicide, it is not your fault. It is a misery inside herself that she has been refusing to deal with effectively. It is very sad, but it is not your fault. I know to avoid guilt you will feel that you need to sacrifice your lives for her, but you do not owe her that. How she feels and what she does is not your fault. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them hit bottom, hopefully with safety, then to pull themselves back up.
Thank yaw for the support. I'm afraid I can't look at her committing suicide in the same light. I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I realize yaw can't give me answers but sometimes having a listening ear makes a person feel better and gives them strength to walk on. With praying and being able to get things off my chest it helps my stress and maybe something will come to light that will work. I'll check into Al-Anon also and see what advice others in my situation might have found successful. Blannie, it sounds like you know what I'm experiencing, and how you dealt with your mothers own suicide if I'm ever put in that situation. Thank you again.
Give your mom the local suicide hotline number and tell her to call them, not you with her threats. If she continues the threats with you, call 911 each time and report her threats. If she doesn't get tired of the cops showing up , if she keeps it up they will probably haul her off for an evaluation. Enough of that police activity will probably make the lights turn on for the professionals. Even if she's always been mean the dementia is probably running things now. It sounds like she needs institutional care.
Seasugar, glad you're venting get that toxic crap out you deserve better this is not your fault you didn't cause it, and you can't fix her, only step back then care for yourself awhile. I'm going to tell it like I see it because I'm living the hell you are too! These are my thoughts take it for what they're worth. Several thoughts, mental illness, dementia, just damn mean, sounds just like my dad, and his sisters the Killer Ants. Can a doctor evaluate her find incompetent, go to court and have her committed, for your sanity and everyone's sanity and safety, I'm so sorry, but I have the same family issues and I 've reached the end of my rope too! There will be nothing you can do to fix this or please her as her unhappiness is so great she is operating from a place of control, manipulation, and self righteous indignation. But the worst part is the manipulation with unhealthy behavior causing you and your brother to hang in there unable to feel like your life has value. I'm so sorry you have this family disease, dysfunction because it can kill you, from worry and stress, but stress on other relationships. I've been told to walk away so many times and I did for a while about a year ago I felt great! Thought will no news is good news as far as my parents demented 1 and demented 2, then they call for help. Yep I was right there I thought finally they need me, want me, sad. However the help they wanted was selfish, they used me to meet their selfish needs you can drive for us, but you can't take the car keys or schedule transportation, hell, no they still wanted to be in control to this day. They are sitting in nursing home together my father threating to break out, blaming me for being there, hateful, manipulative people. But here I am back in it again because of that thread of guilt and pity for them, I want them to love me, but what they call love is sick. I don't like them and they don't care for me, I'm sick of my father's hateful words, disrespect, but yet why am I going back? I'm going to wrap up that house get them moved, file for guardianship give that to the attorney to handle them I'm done after that for a time. I resent my father being such a pain in the ass it's affected my health, do you think he cares NO! They will not change you have to change and its hard very hard, little by little I do what I can to have less and less to do with them.

I'm making choices today for my sanity, however I have those two, I want to give them compassionate care, I have to live with myself. I have to remind myself they made the choices that put them there, demented or not, they could have listened to me 15years ago. You have to decide what is your breaking point then step aside, because your life matters, you deserve better. A friend told me this I've not forgotten she said " your parents lives are over they've lived how they choose, to now you live your life!!!!! She had a mother like yours too!

We are a different breed, those of us who want to love and care for our parents even thought we were abused, and now are being reoffended in out adult life. I wish I was one of those people that just walked away, but now I've got to finish this. I've set a boundary of what I'm willing to do then that's it. If they go first I may not go back to the funeral. I can't afford to loss a second job of which I'm still not working to help them again. Set boundaries, for you to protect you, she's never going to get it and will continue to abuse you and your brother, I'm living it, for now, after I get a few more things straight that's it they are on there own until one of us goes! God Bless you Remember you deserve to be valued for your kindness, and love yourself!
just continue to call 911 every time she threatened suicide eventually social service will get involved and she will be sorry she cried wolf they will get her into a psych unit and deal with her -families are not able to solve this behavior.
UPDATE: I've hung in there through the madness and finally found what seems to be a solution. My mom has a place of her own with my brother, wife and baby living with her. She cannot live alone. Seems when mama is in one place for too long a time (could vary from a couple weeks or a month etc) she tends to start driving anybody she's around mad. So, bouncing her back and forth seems to be helping her nerves a lot and making it easier for me. Mama is still a handful when it comes to things that need to be done and always having a problem but bouncing her is giving everybody a break and has put a stop to her suicide threats. She even seems more relaxed. Mama (like her mother) is in need of constant attention but the fighting has stopped and "normal" conversation has taken it's place. She stayed with us 2 weeks after my surgery and took care of the house. She seemed actually happy!! I think the feeling of being "needed" is what she misses. I'm not saying mama has become an angel. She still sees the negative in everything and can always find something to complain about but we (brother and I) have learnt when it gets to be too much it's time to send her to the next place. I can tell when mass confusion kicks in better now and have figured out it's best to let her say what she wants and to not get upset and feed her anger. She'll calm down. Knowing how mama used to be I've changed my mindset to more of a understanding of her being scared, confused and lonely. She still falls into pits of depression so I have to put on my cheerleader uniform (not literally) and try to perk her up. I still get tired but that's where a "group" effort on every bodies part comes in, but mostly it has to be me. I've accepted the fact I'll always be her "rock" and we'll still run into problems but we'll make it through. Oh, mama still has her rights (as I was told) and repeated calls to 911 will result in me trouble for false calls. Adult social services did talk to her and shes not considered incompetent so they cant/wont go no further. Her doctors don't see her as incompetent. IF she attempts suicide and fails I would then have rights to call the shots but unless that happens my hands are tied. Since I'm not willing to take the 50/50 odds I'll have to rely on finding solutions myself. But things are better now. I do appreciate yaw letting me bend your ear. God Bless you all. :)
my gosh, you just described millions of thoughtlees, passive aggressive slobs around the world. my ex usedta pull the old " kill myself " treachery to anyone who would listen until one day during a totally phony episode the youngest son said, " kill yourself, you blithering tw*t, ill go get you a gun. hes smarter than he looks, that one. lol

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