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I feel I've given up my life. I have two. Mom and her live (18yrs). End stages copd and severe arthritis and blood issues. Both late 70's. I have 3 kids, 4 Grandkids, and hubby of 21 yrs. lived in moms basement apt(paid rent for that dungeon) 7 yrs. hubs just got a new place. Couldn't deal anymore and I can't blame him but couldn't go with. Nw I feel abandoned. I am 51 and must ask permission to go somewhere. If I go watch tv in my room (can't stand golf) she calls every ten mins with excuses y I need to come back upstairs. HE isn't as bad as he plays off, milks it. Sits, nd waits to be served. I feel taken advantage of, manipulated daily, treated like a child. Mom very controlling. Specific spoon or fork or bowl or paper plate size each meal. I swear she wants food at a full rolling boil, then has to pee and it gets cold. Start all over. I am upstairs at 9am and am lucky to go "home" (their rec room now) by 11pm. I get the pouty face routine. I am old, fat, depressed, and just want to be lazy. I want-to be able to say "no, I don't want any pie but I'll get you some" without getting pressured. I want- to have someone else pick up those little fuzz balls off the carpet that annoy her so much. I want- to be able to go somewhere w/o a curfew (meds, treatments). I want- to have a place to have my Grandkids come see me. I want- to be able to say "yes, i'll meet you for lunch" to my husband. I want- to be respected and not be told how to dress, when, hw, who, what every aspect of my life. But it's not about me.
I love my mom with ll of my being and I do know that when she is gone I will rest well knowing I gave of myself to make her final years comfortable. Sure would live to runaway though! Thanks for lustening

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Save yourself ASAP. Good grief woman you belong with your husband. Make other arrangements for mom and the no good guy. You should run away (to your spouse and his nice place). You ARE being controlled, manipulated and treated like a child, and you are accepting this because??? How are you going to feel when you've been there till her end, still have him to deal with, and lost yourself and husband? Find another caretaker or residential care place for them now, and give yourself freedom to go visit them instead of needing to run away. You don't want to run away from your whole life, just the miserable parts. Live YOUR life, not hers. If their situation is not going to get better neither is yours, unless you take control of what you can, which is the part of your life that is miserable. You don't have to ask permission to love yourself and save yourself. Can you get support for this from your husband, children, others, or Aging Care? Figure out what you're waiting for and put a plan into action. Good Luck. You are facing what many others in this site are facing. Don't become immobilized and still feel trapped this time next year, or even next month. Go towards the light.
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JessieBelle, your last paragraph about our parents "sitting around watching
TV all day long" is 100% correct! I've been saying it all along (believing it and sometimes trying to convince myself that I know I'm right) but every now and then I still question "am I really making a big deal out of this?" Also, when a parent says "I'll do what I want" and "Why do I care at my age?" (Mom's 75) it just makes you think, "Well, okay then. But mom's going to have to "not care" somewhere else. Not in my house, day in, day out, 7 days a week, every month, season after season, year after year while I watch it happen before my own weary eyes. Enough already!

I agree with you and have moved forward with assisted living for my mom. Paperwork is filled out and ready to go. I can't do it anymore! I have too much life left in me......and.......well......I'm worth it! :)
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Sorry I couldn't answer right away, I was packing the car!!!!!
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No way would I ever give up my husband for my parents. That is not reasonable. Why is a parent's life more important than yours? I am afraid I would have to pack my little bag and say my farewells. Contact Social Services and tell them there are two old people who need help and give them their address. There are other options. We are the only ones who can help ourselves. We have to come to the point when we 'believe' that we deserve better. As the saying goes ''if it is to be - it is up to me!'' No one will save you but yourself. Are you the only child?
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Hm. I can see that they need help and support, yes. But why does it have to be exclusively provided by you?

Doesn't your husband need you? There are lots of caregiver options, but only you can do the job of being his wife..!
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Did your mom change your name to Cinderella and not tell you? I can ask because I have a similar situation, they don't feel like your husband counts, at least my mom doesn't. She won't spend any of her money, she needs it to take care of her in her "old age". The woman is 96!!!! I am 60, don't work because of health issues, stayed with her all last year, finally said, Mom I have to think about MY old age, husband was threatening to leave me as our home is 5 hours away, my only retirement is him. She says "Well you will inherit whatever I don't use" She doesn't have as much as she thinks...the dollar amount is the same but 100,000 dollars isn't as much as it used to be and she has no income, her SS doesn't even cover her supplemental insurance and meds, let alone food. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!! They don't care if they consume you, you MUST take care of yourself!!!
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Kritini, when I read the distress that many of us are in, I don't know how we handle it. You wrote your mother is in end-stage COPD. Do you know what her prognosis is? Some people with advanced COPD can still live a long time. I worry about what will happen to your life. You're living like Cinderella right now, and I'm afraid that wonderful Prince Charming you have will get tired of waiting. Your mother's COPD will have claimed another victim -- you.

I know the feelings you are having about responsibility and going the distance for your mother. I think we appreciate what you're doing here more than your mother does there. She is taking your freedom and keeping you away from your husband so she can have her freedom and the company of her live-in. And she expects you to cater to her live-in while you ignore your own husband. This is an ugly picture.

In my mind you have gone beyond the call of daughterly duty with your mother. I wouldn't be surprised if she would be more comfortable in a nursing facility after she got used to the idea. Maybe her man friend can also get a room there if his family will work with him. Then you would be able to get back to your husband, kids, and grandkids.

Sometimes I just don't know about this caregiving thing. Many of our parents just sit in a chair and watch TV all day with us giving up our lives for them to do that. When they are not so ill, we can come and go. As they get worse, we are totally stuck. So we give up our lives and freedom so they can sit in the chair and watch TV all day. There has to be something better than this that doesn't cost an arm and leg.
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Please really sit down and think about your situation. Please hop around this site and read other people's experiences and Reflect on it and yours. Think really hard what means the most to you. Your husband, for now, is patient and willing to wait for you. But how long is he willing to wait? My mom had Alzheimer when I was about age 23. I've been helping father caregive mom these past 24 years. She died last year. Now, my father's beginning his journey. I'm no longer foolish to think this will be a short "stint." I know better. I'm still trying to figure out how far I'm willing to stay here, in his home, and how far I'm willing to be verbally abused. How far am I willing to go when he becomes more physically violent. Only I can make that decision. And trust me, I've been thinking about it every single day.

I read your words and ... I understand where you're coming from. But, you have a husband. And according to the Bible and God, your spouse comes first. And yes, you're also to help your mother. But that help does not necessarily mean that you have to be there 24/7 living with them.

Like others mentioned, there are other options, other help - that provides care for the elderlies. You just need to do a lot of calling. When my mom was first diagnosed, father did a lot of calling around. He was able to hook up for the Meals on Wheels for him and mom from Mondays-Fridays. He was able to get the government caregivers to come once a week to shower mom (then he split that 4-hour a week supplement to 1 hour x 4 times a week. This way mom is showered at least 4 times a week instead of just once a week.) He applied for a dementia study program connected with the college for mom. In return, they provided 1 hour caregiver respite and a limited $$ on supplies. So we used our supply vouchers to buy mom's pampers or boxes of gloves or wipes. There are so many programs out there. You just have to call around and ask for people's referrals, etc.... Truly, sit down and think what is most important to you - now and in the future. You can still do your daughterly duty from afar. Just Set Limits or Boundaries. Maybe by doing this, your mom will learn to do things herself. Instead of calling you, and watching you jump to her every needs. This will Not be easy. Sis and I caregive father. Sis jumps to his every needs, I don't. He treats her like dirt, and we clash because I refuse to jump. It is a Constant battle of wills. I will not allow him to browbeat me like when i was a child. I'm an adult now. I can argue back and am no longer Required to Obey and not argue. And by the way, you moving out to join your husband is Not Running away. Running away is moving out, and not looking back. Not coming for visits to help out. That is running away. You can still be there for them - even by living away from them.
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I escaped!! For the night anyway. Lol at hubby's house. So wish I could pluck all of you up and whisk you away for a break. I will enjoy while I can.
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Oh yeah, and when I said his place is nice? Jacuzzi!! Hehe
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