Looking for answers not put downs.

Started by

"Mother, I have stated to you that I will meet you only with nine of my friends, and you alone.

You have yet to show me anything close to a willingness to do this my way. I have not seen you since 2008, and you have NOT shown me anything you have done in your life to improve, or work, or do what is the best for you and of course for your family. Simply put, mom, what good is it going to do to meet you now"

First off to Agingcare.com. I need to stop and really tell you instead of react emotionally. I have been a full time working mom series 7 licensed banker for 20 some years, then after that I worked for attorney's, then when my mother fell ill to Alzheimer's Disease, I decided to dedicate my life to making a difference. I have done a tremendous job at that, and have done both family no income caring, and non family no income caring (as there are those very less fortunate), and families with a small income to care for their loved ones.

All of my life, that my son has know me I have been a working full time mother.
I had another child 5 years later and continued on the working career woman path. My husband and I lived in a 2500 square foot 5 acre house. My son had many things that many children would dream of. But Life is not about buying your childs love. I am absolutely against that, and know that.

There was NEVER and I REPEAT NEVER ANY ABUSE OF ANY KIND TOWARDS MY SONS. EVER. The issues were about infidelity not with me, but the father, and issues of that nature. Never coming home.. Too much alcohol. I do not drink, smoke, I never in my 18 years as a full time working mother, ever had a babysitter so my husband and I could go out. My children were my responsibility and my priority.

I grew up in dysfunction. My mother was an alcoholic. My mother became sober through an intervention that I put on as my two sisters left the scene and my father and mother are together now because of it. I am not a hero, I am merely a daughter that simply does what family is supposed to do in time of need. I do not go on an on about my childhood, why? because you have to live in the present. Hearing what my son just emailed me which is this.

"YOU HAVE YET TO SHOW ANYTHING CLOSE TO A WILLINGNESS TO ADDRESS THE ISSUES THAT I HAVE ASKED YOU ABOUT (ISSUES FROM AGE 3 UP), AND YOU HAVE SHOWN NO PROOF THAT YOU HAVE MADE ANYTHING OF YOURSELF. AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, YOU ARE FAR FROM THE MOTHER YOU STATE YOU WERE SO WHAT GOOD IS IT GOING TO BE FOR ME TO MEET YOU NOW?

That sounds like a very sad, angry 31 year old son, & my heart aches for him. yet when he left for the peace corps at 26, he talked to me everyday, & told me how scared he was, & told me that I was the only person in the world that he could depend on, & this & that, & can you send money. Mothers have a soft spot, but also mother know when they are being taken advantage of.

I was single during the time he applied for private colleges, & of course he states that the State paid for the College based on the FAFSA, & you know part of that is true, I owed 50% plus all living costs & books, I chose to pay that for my son, I chose to purchase a car, that he complained that it wasn't brand new. My children are not entitled to anything other than having the right to be truthful caring loving nice humans, that they see that we did the very best we could to raise them. There is nothing odd about me, there is nothing odd about his father who is a state patrolmen and a captain in the national guard. We worked very hard. We were young when we were married & divorced so we did not have a lot. It takes time to build up your nest egg. One child took this very well to this day, & disagrees with his brother all the time, stating he needs to grow up, & mother has already apologized for everything she has done right & everything she has done wrong. Wrong means, not fixing his favorite meal, he felt his mother should do all of his laundry while the other child 5 years younger did his own, without saying a word. There were rules. Rules, that they both knew, & just because the father decides to leave doesn't mean it is time to run over the mother with boundaries. The boundaries were there. The adult child that states what have I accomplished, that is his fault for not calling me, when I have lovingly invited him to every occasion each year, and he has blocked my texts, or emails, I am not super human, & I will not allow a mean spirited or even confused adult child to not look within his heart to realize it takes two to come to peace. Even tonight, I sent one son a happy valentines day text with two hearts & he immediately said, thank you mom, I love you for everything that you do. Then I send it to the other one, it was blocked, so I sent it to his gmail, wishing my granddaughter & my new daughter in law that I haven't met & my son a wonderful valentine's day, & will not receive any acknowledgement.
Possibly this will change . . . .more

22 Comments

So yes, this is LONG, and I thank all of you that care to take the time to try to assist me, and I believe that I have tried to put all of the background in there, and it is very hard when you have adult children, and there is 31 years.

The issues that are of concern for his father and I are this. First off, yes, his father is remarried and so am I. It has been of mutual consent that because of our son's issues that his father and I do communicate, and we have forgiven each other or I forgave him, and then the forgiveness came flooding in. That was years ago. There are things that parents know and that adult children know. I do not see any harm in speaking with his father, and what it is proving, is that this child unfortunately needs much more assistance that either of us can give him. His father has tried the soft approach, the medium approach and the whatever approach. It is all about look at me, my rights, I have been violated because you divorced mother. But none of his conversations when he is talking with his father involve the complete in my opinion verbal abuse he is trying to put on me. He knows full well I was a full time, never took one day off working mom until he was a young man. I was working full time for a while, and juggling caring for my parents and their medical needs, and trying to do that all, etc. But I do understand very clearly adult children do not understand that. My son (other son) stated, mom, we do not see really what you are doing. We hear about it, but we really do not have a total concept about it, until it hits us. Then he mentioned something and I cannot claim if this is true or not. He said, my brother and his wife have had their life paid for by her parents. Which if true, is exactly what he expected from his life. To get a free ride. I do not in any way say that with negative, but just sort of follows along with the concept of what his father said that he would always find the vacations between he and I that were the most fun, the most expensive, and wow, that has an impact on me just hearing that. I do not know if that is true, but it falls in line with the fact that when he was 16, and I paid a gross amount of $500 a month for car insurance, surely people I did not know my boundaries then. Why oh why would I do that. Simply I say that is my fault, lack of knowledge as to what the normal cost of auto was, as I too was a wife, that my husband took care of all of that, and I was then in a world where it was all my responsibility. Therefore, when they say parents make mistakes, that was one huge mistake that only took one month of learning real fast. Of course, the son wants you to pay it and will tell you all the reasons why, but what we are getting at here people is this.

We all need to live in the here and now. I believe that if there is an adult child of mine that wants to know about the past, they should be polite, not argumentative, and certainly not make me feel like I am not worth talking too. He has seen all of the 15 letters of reference, and all of the Care giver of the year for one Assisted Living Facility for the last two years, I do not know what he wants, and I am not about to sit there and show anyone my positives, because I believe that if people really love you and want to know about you, they will find this information on the internet.

Thank you all for allowing me to calmly say, "hey what is the deal going on" I feel very normal, extremely happy and I have a son that reappeared from the woodwork, and yes in a way I am glad, but I am not about to be run down by anyone, regardless of if it is my son. If I have done anything that has offended him, I would always be the first to apologize, and I did a very smart thing while raising my boys and that was keeping a journal, so i have all the happy days which there were many, and some of the harder days all on pen and paper, and it really is a life where a family is simply trying to make ends meet in America.

Of course it has been a comment in my life from my ex husband and others that it appears he likes or makes a point of finding people with money. In fact, I have a very modest 2008 subaru, and in 2008 when it was brand new, I let me drive it as that was one of the last dinners we had alone together and he said 'when are you going to give this to me'. I do not know if he was joking, but I do not think he was. I believe he was seeing in his school that everyone or all of the kid he hung around with, their parents did purchase them a bmw, or something like that, sorry, not me. I was raised to earn your money and pay cash for your car. I am 55, not that old, and I remember how proud I was when I paid $3,000 for my brand new Chevy Nova. There was a sense of real ownership and I was very proud of that.

So thanks to all of you for any ideas, suggestions, or kind comments you can give me.

Know that I have sought counseling, I have gone to our community counselors, I have gone to private counselors, and he would walk out, when he did not like why he was hearing, and I have done just about everything to figure out what makes my child work and why life or his past life makes him angry. If it is me, what, and why? What have I done specifically that has made him angry. Working, well working allowed me to get him a job where I was working when he was 16 for $8.50 per hour. That is pretty darn good. But quickly I learned that it wasn't the work that he wanted it was the paycheck, and it was a lesson for me and for his father. All along until this day we continue to try and figure this out. Not to label him, or give him anything but love and an open door. Possibly in 10 years, when he has matured or is ready to talk he will, I do not know, but I have been told by more than one person friend psychologist, pediatrician, social worker, that much of this is about "what he perceives as his reality from his childhood" that is something that happens when children cannot handle what is going on so they create. I am not stating he is lying, I am stating I get it, I get it that I created a false reality when my mother was drunk, but my mother had a substance abuse issue, that is not her the facts here, and I have had to unfortunately do everything in my life to protect myself from my son, because I do believe unfortunately he is a fighter and would do anything to try and hurt me.

Thank you for trying to understand and more over thank you for listening to me. The mother, whom very much loves both of her children and as my younger one and I sat on the phone for hours, and here he was saying to me, which i told him is not his responsibility, but he said, he has a choice mom. He has not chosen that you only have one father and one mother in this life time, and we have had it pretty good, yes there were some times that were very difficult, but in life if everything is easy, then we have not learned to really live. Those things that were hard were more about homework, and the school demands, and the demands of college and the demands of having a full time job, which when he was married he did not for two years. I have not asked nor is it my place to ask anything about that. One thing as a mother of two adult boys, I have learned that they come to you. They really do. If they do not know that you have done the very best you have, and if you can morally look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are a very good person congratulations.

By the way, I am continuing to be in better health for those that know I got bad caregiver burnout, and have loving families with little children that just adore me, and I adore them back. It produces a love that I cannot even explain.


Blessings to all and a very Happy Valentines Day.

I do feel i wrote without the anger and the intenseness, and I know that that is probably because I had a procedure at the hospital 2 days ago and am 95 percent sure that what has been plaguing me collagenous colitis is disappearing. It is not fun, and was a horrible situation, but it is over. Thanks and all please have a happy peaceful day and remember. "life is a journey, not a race"
This was long, and I sincerely apologize for the typographical errors.

It sounds like you have a mentally ill child. That is very, very sad. It is Not Your Fault. I know you would cure him if you could. That is not within your power. You are willing to go to counseling with him. You can't make him go.

Stop being defensive. You don't owe anyone, especially someone who really does not want to listen, explanations of every thing you've done in your life. Discuss all the details with a therapist if you like, but don't feel you have to defend yourself for who you are.

Let your mentally ill son know that you are available if he wants to see you or talk to you, but you are not interested in qualifying on his terms. You are satisfied with your life. He doesn't have to be.

My heart truly hurts for you. Mental illness is a real tragedy.
I'm glad that your health is better. There are two passages in your post that I believe you mean as quotes from your son's email. Are THEY BOTH quotes, or is the first one a quote and the second an interpretation of what YOU think he's saying?

If your son wrote, as it says in the second quote, that you haven't made anything of yourself, then I wouldn't give him the time of day.

BUT, If that's your interpretation of his actual quote in the first letter, then it looks to me as though he's attempting an intervention, perhaps to get you to take better care of all aspects of your health, mental and physical. That's my two cents.

Glad you are better.
If that second email is verbatim, which re-reading your post, it seems to be, I agree with Jeanne.
Jeanne Gibbs
Where am I being defensive
I typed or copied and pasted two different versions of what he typed to me.
This are his words.

This is not being defensive.
I have long given up,
just wanted to ask aging care if they had any other suggestions.

Where in that incredibly long email am I defensive.

I could have been black and white this is what it is like.

I have talked to a therapist ten years ago. They stated, to remember that each child is different, and this one, is very defensive for some reason and at that we do not know.

I have to look and see what I typed as he sent it to me twice once in upper caps and once in lower caps, and I did not review word for word, but saw they were about the same in content.

I do not have time for anyone doing this to me. And have such a beautiful life, why oh why would I want to spend time on this. Because I believe that aging care.com there are people that will be honest, captain, etc. There are some that are too honest, and honestly can kill. I have already been hurt, and need no more hurt by my son's issues, that is why I so delicately but if you are willing to give advice.

All I have done is expressed to aging care.com all I want them to know no one else. I know who I am, I don't need the world to know. The three families I am helping are so incredibly grateful for me, that is all that matters.

Of course and my loving parents, and my wonderful husband and glorious younger son. They mean the world to me, and always will.

It is easier to go outside of family to discuss these issues, because family or my family it would be tough. mom and dad cannot communicate, and my 26 year old so is doing really well and doesn't need the baggage of his brothers actions.
I believe Jeanne was saying that you don't owe us (or your son) long explanations of what you did and why. That's called being defensive. When you simply say "I was the best mother I was able to be", that's not being defensive. Best of luck to you.
These are from two different emails my son sent, one quote is on the Feburary 10, 2015, and the other is from January 31, 2015. It is apparent, that he is very frustrated, that is my error, as I thought I was copying the same paragraph. I did not want to disclose the entire letter as I do like some privacy and the rest of the letter was nothing more than the people that he wanted to be with him when he went to verbally attack his mother for whatever sad reason. That would have never happened though. Ever… Trust me…
Jeane you are right, I do not owe one person one answer. I was trying to give aging care an answer because I was giving questions that were not full of content so this time I try to and if I am defensive, I need to work on that, that is never my intent.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support