Looking for answers not put downs.

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"Mother, I have stated to you that I will meet you only with nine of my friends, and you alone.

You have yet to show me anything close to a willingness to do this my way. I have not seen you since 2008, and you have NOT shown me anything you have done in your life to improve, or work, or do what is the best for you and of course for your family. Simply put, mom, what good is it going to do to meet you now"

First off to Agingcare.com. I need to stop and really tell you instead of react emotionally. I have been a full time working mom series 7 licensed banker for 20 some years, then after that I worked for attorney's, then when my mother fell ill to Alzheimer's Disease, I decided to dedicate my life to making a difference. I have done a tremendous job at that, and have done both family no income caring, and non family no income caring (as there are those very less fortunate), and families with a small income to care for their loved ones.

All of my life, that my son has know me I have been a working full time mother.
I had another child 5 years later and continued on the working career woman path. My husband and I lived in a 2500 square foot 5 acre house. My son had many things that many children would dream of. But Life is not about buying your childs love. I am absolutely against that, and know that.

There was NEVER and I REPEAT NEVER ANY ABUSE OF ANY KIND TOWARDS MY SONS. EVER. The issues were about infidelity not with me, but the father, and issues of that nature. Never coming home.. Too much alcohol. I do not drink, smoke, I never in my 18 years as a full time working mother, ever had a babysitter so my husband and I could go out. My children were my responsibility and my priority.

I grew up in dysfunction. My mother was an alcoholic. My mother became sober through an intervention that I put on as my two sisters left the scene and my father and mother are together now because of it. I am not a hero, I am merely a daughter that simply does what family is supposed to do in time of need. I do not go on an on about my childhood, why? because you have to live in the present. Hearing what my son just emailed me which is this.

"YOU HAVE YET TO SHOW ANYTHING CLOSE TO A WILLINGNESS TO ADDRESS THE ISSUES THAT I HAVE ASKED YOU ABOUT (ISSUES FROM AGE 3 UP), AND YOU HAVE SHOWN NO PROOF THAT YOU HAVE MADE ANYTHING OF YOURSELF. AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, YOU ARE FAR FROM THE MOTHER YOU STATE YOU WERE SO WHAT GOOD IS IT GOING TO BE FOR ME TO MEET YOU NOW?

That sounds like a very sad, angry 31 year old son, & my heart aches for him. yet when he left for the peace corps at 26, he talked to me everyday, & told me how scared he was, & told me that I was the only person in the world that he could depend on, & this & that, & can you send money. Mothers have a soft spot, but also mother know when they are being taken advantage of.

I was single during the time he applied for private colleges, & of course he states that the State paid for the College based on the FAFSA, & you know part of that is true, I owed 50% plus all living costs & books, I chose to pay that for my son, I chose to purchase a car, that he complained that it wasn't brand new. My children are not entitled to anything other than having the right to be truthful caring loving nice humans, that they see that we did the very best we could to raise them. There is nothing odd about me, there is nothing odd about his father who is a state patrolmen and a captain in the national guard. We worked very hard. We were young when we were married & divorced so we did not have a lot. It takes time to build up your nest egg. One child took this very well to this day, & disagrees with his brother all the time, stating he needs to grow up, & mother has already apologized for everything she has done right & everything she has done wrong. Wrong means, not fixing his favorite meal, he felt his mother should do all of his laundry while the other child 5 years younger did his own, without saying a word. There were rules. Rules, that they both knew, & just because the father decides to leave doesn't mean it is time to run over the mother with boundaries. The boundaries were there. The adult child that states what have I accomplished, that is his fault for not calling me, when I have lovingly invited him to every occasion each year, and he has blocked my texts, or emails, I am not super human, & I will not allow a mean spirited or even confused adult child to not look within his heart to realize it takes two to come to peace. Even tonight, I sent one son a happy valentines day text with two hearts & he immediately said, thank you mom, I love you for everything that you do. Then I send it to the other one, it was blocked, so I sent it to his gmail, wishing my granddaughter & my new daughter in law that I haven't met & my son a wonderful valentine's day, & will not receive any acknowledgement.
Possibly this will change . . . .more

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I'm sorry for what you're going thru with your son. But when reading your story I thought I was reading my life with my SON. I haven seen and spoken to my son in 4 years, for the first year he will text me only on my birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and New Years but then the text stop all together. And last night I was speaking to my husband about WHAT I DID WRONG? But my son always wanted more and wanted what all his friend had. But we did our best and gave all our kids what we could. Some time my husband wouldn't pay our house mortgage to buy them what they wanted specially him. He had a baby and had his own apartment with his girlfriend. Once his baby was born his girlfriend stop working to attent to there new baby, then money started to be thight and one day he told one of my daughters that he WOULD NEVER ASK US FOR NOTHING! Well the next day he said that he asked us if he and his new baby and girlfriend could move in with us so they can save money so they can get back on there feet. So of course we HELP HIM! Then he stayed with us for two years and the only thing he had to help us with was to pay the utilities, but he wasn't doing a good job on paying the utilities. Well after two years of living with us his girlfriend left him with the baby and then the timing was bad for him because we had to move from that house and we're going to down size because my husband had surgery and I wasn't working, so we help him move all his stuff to a really cheap place but it was just for him because he move to far from us and he couldn't bring the baby so I could babysit the baby, so the baby went back to his mom. So after paying for him to move to his new place he didn't want know or talk to us any more and up to this day we don't know why? I'm sorry you're going thru this but I don't think we did anything wrong bring up our children but there expectetions were to high and unrealistic. I always say we all have choices and as an adult he made his and I think he blame us for his life not been the way he wanted but not because we didn't help or put him thru private schooling so he will have a good job. But he choice to live in a bad area and work in a Mall she's a 30 some year old working at Mall. We did our best and that all I can say to you and my self.
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Live life full, you might be better off to end the emails, they are so hurtful. You get on with your own life of helping others. Let him sort out his anger on his own, he's a grown man. Give him to another angel and let it go until you are healed.
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I think your son is mentally ill. I'd add comments about emails in general. I don't like them.
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pia is killing my aunt and i right now . edna and i really need each other but if edna died tomorrow i wouldnt even send pia a ' last word ' email . not gonna happen . these buttons belong to me and altho shes pushing the right ones , theres no audible effect -- shes wasting her time . edna is no dummy , she knows pia is seething .
lol . to quote aerosmith , pia is getting " screams of no reply ".
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i just endured about a 4 yr stretch without seeing my g kids because my son was too busy with his own life to even answer an occasional email . i finally decided he had every right to pursue his own life and left him alone . the son crashed hard in a divorce ( many of us have ) and has invited me back into his life . im real happy about that but the g kids now live in fla with their mother , im in central indiana , bob is in chicago . im not a bit worried about the g kids being so far away . they grow up so quickly that its just a matter of time that one of them may knock on my door . the relationship is etched in stone , they know theres a soft landing spot in central indiana should they ever need it . ditto with both my sons . they couldnt fly so high with such boldness without the shack in the hills of central indiana to cushion their possible fall .
i hope that makes sense . im getting old and vulnerable but i put all my eggs in one basket then guarded that basket with everything i have . my sons are free to fly but they can come home at any time , smash a hole thru the wall and build themselves a room on .
my youngest son and i are extremely close -- but we hardly ever communicate . its ok . hes living his life and im living mine .
i think youre giving your son too much power over you .
i had to attend 26 weeks of anger mgmt 15 yrs ago during my divorce . dam right i was angry . i asked the class teacher one evening how to deal with a SO who passively - aggressively knew which buttons to push to make your blood boil . he explained that those buttons belong to me and i had to control them , not allow someone else to . great answer , great class , great teacher and the best 520 bucks i ever spent . its hard to piss me off nowadays . im easily annoyed but ill hide it until your brain breaks .
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This is NOT a put down.

You are hurting so much all over its like you are one big open wound and almost anything can hurt.

But truly, you are not only defensive, but you are defensive about being defensive!

And you know what? In a society that is so focused on the ideas that perfect parents can prevent all problems and anything wrong with your kid must be your fault - I find that completely and totally normal and understandable under the circumstances.

If I remember you got a smattering of impractical suggestions, most of which you had thought of already, and maybe a couple OK ones, and a lot of people agreeing with you completely that it is not your fault and never your intention that one son should become alienated from you. Estrangement is one of the most painful words in the the English language and you HURT from it. We can see that and empathize deeply...and it seems your son, whatever his specific diagnosis may be, is a bundle of imagined hurts that protect him from the pain of his own condition. Get help in stopping all the little voices inside you that are still trying to tell you this terribly painful situation is your fault and you should just keep trying to hit your head on the wall of trying to fix it. There may not be a fix for this one in this lifetime, or a miracle may occur, and somehow you have to heal from whatever had already happened as best you can either way.
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Livelifefull, I didn't mean "Stop being defensive" as a criticism. I meant it as advice. You do not owe anyone, especially a mentally ill person who refuses to hear you, an explanation.

If your son said, "It has been eight years. Why haven't you learned Hungarian? And I need proof that you haven't purchased any food that I am allergic to in those years before I'll see you," you would immediately recognize this as his illness talking and (I hope) you would not feel you had to defend yourself from not doing these things. When someone expects irrational things of you, you can't satisfy them with rational reasons.

I am very sorry your son is mentally ill. Especially now that he is a father I hope he gets some medical help. Maybe his new wife will help in that regard. But his condition is not your fault and you do not need to defend yourself regarding it.
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FYI.. Two days ago when I was in the Hospital. I am 55, and the Chief of medicine stated that other than the one issue that I had past tense, I have the body physically of a 40 year old woman. I don't know how, but like I have said, I never have drank smoke or took prescriptions or ones that are bad for you I take Vitamin D. etc. and have always led a very clean life. I was a figure skater from age 7 to 19, and have always had a happy life. I made poor judgement choices in partners, but like I said in life, we all have a few hard knocks it is how we choose to move foreword from them.
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My poor other son (younger son)
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I have not been able to see my grandchild because he will not give me his address. My poor son I asked him because I thought he was going to see him, to give him my granddaughter's gifts. Never will I put my son in that position ever. Not even a thank you.
I believe my son is a paranoid schizophrenic. (I have two degrees psychology and abnormal) which just means I have knowledge very limited). He has a great degree of interest in self gratification, and what is in it for him. But I do not know. I just let him go eight years ago when he was brutal to me and his father witnessed it, and it got ugly, as his father protected me. that was the last.
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