How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?

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My mother makes choices in her daily life that could affect me. Some now and some in the future after she dies. She is in her right mind so she can make her own decisions. But they are bad decisions a lot of the time. And I have to get involved because of her decisions sometimes. And dealing with her is very difficult. Or she might end up in the hospital because of a decision. That hasn't happened yet. But it could have. It's very stressful dealing with her. Even though I try to keep my distance emotionally. She is co-dependent with my brother that has a personality disorder that complicates things even more. My father died six years ago. There is no one else. She would not listen to anyone anyway. She is rigid. I just wish she would die or just go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. She is 88 years old and can't walk without a walker. But lives in her house alone. Brother stays over three or four days a week. But won't help her much. So I can't just go no contact. Actually I hardly visit and mostly use the phone to communicate with her. Still wish she would just go away. My life would be much less stressful.

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I agree with the others that you aren't alone in thinking as you do. Please read all of the answers because there's a lot of compassion and some good suggestions on this thread.

It's really not about your mother dying but about the fact that you want the situation gone. It's the situation that you can't deal with. Please don't let guilt overwhelm you.

Trying to keep the rest of your life orderly will help. Maybe asking your mother questions about what she wants will help. However, if she has dementia, which is possible, she won't be able to be rational.

As you say, the situation with your brother having a personality disorder complicates this issue. Is there a physician with whom you could discuss both issues? Could you see a professional counselor who not only could help you decide what your role in this family drama is but could help you find local resources for your mother and your brother?

I think that you need to take care of yourself first, here. Then you may be able to help with the situation between your mother and your brother.

Please keep us posted with more detail so that we can answer more specifically.
Take care,
Carol
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Bottom line is, I get it. Even my kids say they wish Grandma would just die. She's 93, almost completely blind and hard of hearing, in an ALF, and projects her anger at me all the time. Has always been a verbally abusive person, and with dementia setting in, she is unbearable. If I make even the slightest mistake, or forget something minor, she says sarcastically "well , you're supposed to be so smart." Always with the putdowns. I will always do my duty to her, and am on antidepressants with Xanax as a backup when needed. There are times I just want to sleep, because there is no way out of this situation, and the only way it'll improve is when she's gone. Doctor reminded me that I need to pull back when she is being so mean and hateful for my own mental health, and to take care of myself first . I don't think it's wrong to wish she would die. Approaching 94, her life is miserable, and I can't help but believe she would be happier on the "other side". Thank God for my children who remind me that I can't make someone else happy, and I have gone over and above, forgiving her over and over for her verbal assaults, but after six years of this, I am tired. Right now I am at a very down point, and have not called her for a week. I know at some point I'll be able to cope better again, but don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wishing this role was over with!!!
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Hadnuff, you are not alone. All you can do is make sure you do you duty to her, to make sure that ultimately she is as safe as can be. But modern life has truly messed up the natural order of things to where people live longer than they can take care of themselves. The stress and feelings you have are shared by many.
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The one thing that has helped me in extremely challenging situation is to agree on 'shared expectations'. Then see what the other person wants to do about it.

So for example sit down with your mom and just ask her what she wants to see happen. If she struggles with that you can make some suggestions. For example you can say that you hope that the family grows closer through these challenging times, rather than farther apart. You hope that you and others can learn from your mom how to live life well. You hope that you can learn to show each other love and respect. You will find things that work for your family.

Then see what she has to say. Be silent and let her think and talk.

I did this with my sister and once we agreed about our shared expectations, and I was quiet for a moment, my sister apologized to me for not being the way she wanted to be. She said she would try harder and we always referred back to the conversation we had. I also did this with my mom and it helped us tremendously although I probably did it a little too late.

I hope this tip helps you. The two most important parts of this is to have and talk about 'shared expectations' and for you to be silent so the other person can talk about what they are going to do to play a role in achieving those expectations. Then you can also say how you will try.

I hope that doesn't all sound too complicated. Just thinking back, on some super challenging times with my family and it worked!

Now that my mom has passed away at age 93, I learned that it is very, very final and very, very empty without her.

One of my biggest blessings is the good memories I will always have. So this is the time for you to create good memories that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

My hope for you is that all your memories are good ones and that you can work together with your family to create plenty of them starting now.

I don't think anyone is born knowing how to be a good family member. We have to spend our lives learning how to be better and working with each other to learn together. I believe we can learn new things at any age. :)
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You may not like this answer but:

Put her in assisted living then. For God's sake, if you hate the woman that much, she must have been a real "Mommy Dearest" to you when you were a kid! She's an old woman. If neither of you two sons can handle her, put her in a place where people can take care of her and everyone is at peace.
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You are not alone. It is not selfish to question how you have found yourself with these responsibilities that you didn't ask to take on. The feelings you have come from feeling that there is no end in sight and that you have no control. All I can offer is that you do what you can to protect other parts of your life so that you have a place of retreat in your life to refuel. Try to take control in the rest of your life so that you have some power over your life. I am in your situation and feel powerless when it comes to my mom and all that caring for her means.
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You are doing a good job in a very difficult situation. It is very normal to wish that a situation would resolve itself or go away when the pain is great and a loved one is involved. My 90 year old Dad was helpless in bed for two months, and while I did not consciously wish he would die, I knew that would be the ultimate solution and it was. You are doing the best you can do. WInston Churchill said "When you are going through hell, keep going." Try to do more things to take care of yourself. Praying helps me.
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She's of sound mind and is responsible for her decisions. You are not. Do what you need to to keep your guilt in check. That's what I do. My mother's has always been deeply dependent on my dad who God love him, passes away nearly 12 years ago. Since then, she's transferred all her need on me. I feel like a walking corpse, drained of all life. Not fair that one person can and/or should do this to another. I don't want regrets so I do my "duty" according to my belief system. No matter how long this goes on for, I'm betting (hoping) that the time I have afterwards will outweigh the burden I feel now. I want that time to be guilt free. So as bizarre as this sounds, I'm doing this selfishly to protect my emotional health after all is said and done. Wish I was doing it out of the kindness of my heart and out of love but I'm not. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I feel for you. There are many of us in the same boat if that helps at all. And many of us share the same feelings. It's normal. Remember we're only human and we're asked to perform to some degree, a superhuman act. Life has changed dramatically, life expectancy has also changed dramatically and no one was prepared for what is happening now with caregiving that can go on and on and on. I stay very busy and work A LOT! Makes me less accessible.
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It is only me and I could of wrote this myself. I feel this way every day of my life. The docs are no help anymore. She does what she wants and takes all the anger about her sad no life out on me. I will always hate her.
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My Dad has frontaltemperal dimentia and makes very bad decisions. He has been doing this for years, but had his legal matters taken care of until my sybling got to him and, suddenly he revoked the POA that allows me to protect his from himself. The doctor is working on papers to help me approach the courts, but in the meantime his revocation must be contested. If he were to injure himself and be put in the hospital I cannot prevent the medical folks from placing him in assisted living. He wants to live at home and I've told him this could happen. His answer is to tell me he has to consult his attorney, who knows he is not right in the head. There are times I feel it would be less stressful for him to just go away, but then God helps me get ahold of my thoughts and realize he is still a person and needs my help. Parents, like children, are not disposable when they become problems. We must remember it is our nature to want it easy, but our duty to help those who cannot help themself. I recommend you get her tested for various sorts of brain problems. A CT scan showed my Dad's has this frontaltemperal dimentia and that explains a great deal about his behavior and actions. God help you in dealing with both your mom and that brother. I got one of those too and he is the problem that moves Dad in a very poor direction.
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