Today was the last straw with my narcissistic mom.

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Today was a repeat performance after being at the doctor. She is SO ultra sensitive. All I did was tell her psychiatrist she is having memory problems...after she asked me, of course, and that she is depressed because she's in pain. I must of said some really mean mean things because did she ever dish out abuse today.

I know i'm not supposed to take anything she says personally BUT, am I supposed to take her abuse? She made me feel like the abuser....she accused me of what SHE was doing....She is SO paranoid...she twists everything I say to fit her idea that the doc and I were 'ganging up on her'.

I plan to look for a job. I can't take her S**T anymore, no matter how much I can try to forgive her or try to not take it personally...it HURTS LIKE HELL....my therapist keeps telling me it's not about me, it's all about her....but it's hard sometimes to believe it. :*(((

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I know, right????
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PinkLadyApple, Ask your mother why she's still alive then! LOL
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My mom told me that the good die young and that I was going to live a long life.

guess who's the one that is ending up taking care of her....the evil child.
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Smitty, I can't believe there are people with similar experiences, and how articulate you are makes me recognize what I've been through. My narcissistic mother was so very intelligent that just writing this post makes me feel that I will be struck by the devil for the rest of my life. After her death three years ago, she is STILL looming in my life and I cannot get rid of her. NOTHING I did for her was right, because somehow I never anticipated EVERY need she had. She turned that into a war with my own existence and moral relationship to this Earth. She had cogent moments when she would say, "Not much of a life for you." Then in the next sentence, "What a peculiar little person you are." I bled for her, and to her I think, maybe, I was just an ill-functioning mechanism of her life. In the end, she left me nothing, not even good wishes. But she couldn't help it, she was a god-forsaken Narcissist. I saw the little child in her, sparkling, as she died. But I spent my entire life not understanding why she was so cruel. Maybe they (Narcissists) are so cruel because by quirk of birth, they see what a cruel world it can be and they spend the rest of their lives building their forts. Maybe they missed a mother's love. Or were abused. I just don't know. But she might as well have just stabbed me at birth, except for the now-important smiles and encouragement she did give. Her death to me meant I had failed, utterly. I do not think that is what most people would say God would would ask of a Mother. If not religious, I don't think that is what biology/hormones would ask of a mother. They have incredible rage, and they know things we cannot imagine, because we somehow weren't "mentally ill," yet we learned very early to feel guilt because they were. We were supposed to make it all up to them. We didn't. We stand in our emotional pain, shame, and confusion. RockHardPlace deserves a $20K commission in writing!
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Carol good for you I did not even think once of having the MIL from hell living with us -she could have planned ahead and did not-was self pay for many months then went on Medicaid in a NH -our whole married life until her passing she tried to break us up.
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I think most of us here have the same mother!! I feel for you.Mine has had mental issues all her life and is worse with dementia.I don't wish mine was dead,just far away from me...
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I agree with Ferris1. Six long weeks ago, after visiting my father in Pittsburgh, we found him depressed, starving, and completely out of sorts with his medications. He is 87 (soon to be 88). He lost my step mom back in February. In good conscience we could not leave him ill. My husband opened our new home and we brought him back with us to Virginia - we were still unpacking boxes.

The first 2 weeks were doable. They were in fact very nice. But as his health improved, he became more and more abusive - the father I remember from my youth. He constantly insulted my husband and tried to get me to agree. He accused us of so many things and was so nasty that we set up for his immediate transfer back to Pittsburgh.

He does not want our help and has made that clear. He is suffering from very early stages of dementia, but still has faculties enough to change his insurance, his address and to knowingly drive without a license - his license was taken away by his doctor. When he was here, we did not allow him to drive. But in Pittsburgh, he has consciously made a decision to break the law.

I find that, while I love my dad, I am not willing to allow him to run roughshod through my life. I will always be there as I am needed, but I can never allow him to live in my home again.
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PLA if she does not qualify for Medicaid now that means she has assests above what is allowed -can she use that money to pay for her care now until she qualifies-7 months can be a long time and once she is in your home it will not be easy to get her out-especially if she is difficult-I would think twice about bringing her into your home-very few times it works out-there are thousands of posts here on AC that proves that fact-if she did not have extra money she would get Medicaid now and she can be private pay now and every NH would love to have her and she would get a private room-really give this more thought.
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Your mom sounds like my dad. His favorite refrain was "I'm too good (to everybody)". He was never physically abusive, and still isn't, but he was mentally and emotionally abusive, and has become more so with the progression of the dementia.

The one huge tool we have over narcissists is that they crave attention. I have found the most effective tool for dealing with him is simply get up and leave the room. He cant act out without an audience. I dont say anything i just get up and leave. Depending on the day, I can leave the house and when I get back he is contrite and calmer. I feel better for being away from his constant complaining and paranoia, and he is relieved because he has an audience back. Then later I hear him up in his room practicing telling me to get out, but he never gives me the speech.

He is still superb at turning his bad behavior around and making me the bad guy. Example: he has moderate hearing loss-- thei audiologist said he can hear if he concentrates, (he lost both of the hearing aids i bought for him -- he wouldnt pay the$3000 himself) but he uses his hearing to pick fights. He hears what he really wants to hear. He'll say something to me and when I answer he always replies 'what?'. I repeat it louder, slower and more clearly, and he always says 'what' again. Ill repeat it again still louder, then he gets angry and starts yelling at me to stop shouting. Then he runs out and tells the neighbors that I always shout at him. This happens with every interaction. End result of game: he is the victim and he has someone to complain about and get sympathy from neighbors. I've learned to just get up and leave after the first "what?" to stop the "game". If he wants me to respond, he has to pay attention the first time I answer. The strategy has worked and that game has decreases in frequency. He comes up with others tho. It usually takes me three or four rounds to figure out what to do to nip it; it is absolutely emotionally exhausting.

I went through the paranoia and "everyone ganging up on him" phase too. That was somewhat reduced when a neurologist (he wouldn't go to a psychiatrist because he wasn't crazy) prescribed the minimum dose of quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic. It reduced the abusive language somewhat, and makes him sleep more which gives me a bit of quiet. He still insists people are coming in and stealing his things.

I can't deal with this any longer. The only solution now is a home where he's just another sick old man, instead of the father I will never have.
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That's what I'm talkin' about, PLA. Kudos! That's as it should be. They don't ever, not for a minute, win. Your attitude is right on the money about it all. You do what you can, you're willing to help because you're good like that...but you don't ever accept or own abuse....from anybody. Ever. **squish!**
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