Intimidated by no one, except the one person who should not be able to do so.

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There is a lot of WEIRDNESS going on in me the last few weeks...something is going on inside my head and maybe it is because I am so worn out or just so fed up, but for me, being open and honest is usually the best way to start healing so here goes: I have always been able to stand up to anyone...and I do mean anyone. I have relatively little fear in me about any matter on this earth and have frequently been asked by friends, family, whoever to "handle" things for them when they became too uncomfortable to handle and I did so, without hesitation....BUT...the oddest thing in my life....the one person who should be helping me but instead does nothing but belittle me, offer constant suggestions of how I ought to do things, what I should and should not do, tell me they will help me with this and that and then NEVER do it....this one person is my sibling....and I have decided I am totally intimidated by him...I don't like to admit it...it is painful for me to admit there is someone on this earth with who attempting to discuss something like a rational human literally makes me ill. And it is because there is no normal and calm when it comes to discussing something with him as he immediately makes his opening comment by going after me with something that wounds me so deeply it brings out my "fight" instinct and it gets ugly fast...so instead of discussing or trying to discuss anything, I just let it pass and suck it up and take his emotional abuse...maybe I'm answering my own question as I type this...Maybe he knows that if he attacks me enough I will not bother him at all....who knows...but it bothers me greatly. It has been a lifelong dynamic as well, typical stuff as little kids, brothers kidding and joking about things that continued to the point it was not humorous any longer...and it never stopped....and after one of these mind bending , ugly arguments that most likely sends my blood pressure so high I am amazed I have not already expired, he generally acts like a spoiled rotten kid. He always comes back around (I'd prefer he just stay away but Mama really wants to see him...much more so than me) and when he does return, there is no apology, no anything, just back as if to say..."are you over your little fit now"??? I don't know if it is his way of continuing to avoid responsibility, his guilt for not doing one damn thing throughout the course of this....his guilt of knowing that because he has not helped one bit financially that now I am losing my house as well....or a combination of these things...I just don't get it.....I'm not a weak person by any stretch of the imagination...anyone who knows me knows they can count on me to stand up to anyone in any situation....any situation but this one.....and this one little tidbit seems to control my entire life.....right now I am feeling disgusted with myself....

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Thanks emjo...yes, I have come to understand he is not going to change......I have come to a point of knowing I am pretty much alone in this world now. My precious Mama is here of course but certainly not able to chat and visit the way we used to. I miss that so much. We were such good buddies...And this all seemed to really happen quickly once she had the fall...it feels sometimes like you are losing them every single day. I'm not miserable in my caregiver role..to the contrary...I am so thankful that our journey did not end the night she fell because everyone pretty much said it was going to...since the only thing that hurts me now is the aforementioned, I will just move on...he will always be my brother, and if he ever needed me I would help him. And he knows it. But if I ever need him, I need to move to plan B because he can't be bothered....and I know that....and that's ok. because that's just the way it is.
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Sorry - we cross posted. I can understand how hurt you are by your bro's failure to keep his word. I don't think anyone is suggesting to disown him. Detaching is not disowning. I know the struggle to keep loving and praying in the middle of dysfunction. I have had to detach for each one of my children at one time or another. Did I ever stop loving them or praying for them? No. Am I in decent relationship with all of them now, Yes, but, in at least one case the boundaries have changed. I still pray for my sister and my mother with all their life long mental health problems and seek how I can best love them. But I do protect myself more than I did. All the best to you.
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Sharon - Boundaries is a great book and deals with this kind of issue.

hope - re "Regarding my brother, in some ways I feel pathetic because I want so much to be able to look up to him the way I used to...and sometimes I still see glimmers of hope, but he just keeps letting me down over and over and over." I doubt your bro will change. I wish he could/would. I hoped for years that I could have a decent relationship with my sis, I looked for the positives, found a few and then got slammed again. Looking back, I "tuned out" the bad stuff only to have it happen again and again. FinalIy, I realized that I had to accept the way my sis is and learn to deal with her in a way that is least stressful to me. Would I like to have a sis with whom I cam share things and have a decent relationship - of course, but the truth is that I don't have a sister like that. I have one who seems to need to put me down, accuse and attack me. It took me a long time to get there, so I understand that you are holding out hope for better things, and my dearest wish is that your hopes would come true. Meanwhile, you are doing a great job with your mum, you are under a lot of stress as a caregiver and with your mum on hospice, and I also hope that you look after you anyway you can. You deserve it. (((((((Hugs))))))
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No, no...you're fine....as you can tell...it is just like a cancer to me...not keeping ones word is one thing I detest in anyone...let alone my brother.. It is heartbreaking....and in this situation in particular, it is shameful...
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I do want to say Sharonkay, I am not meaning to come at you for what you said at all....we are all here for the same purpose, care for those we loved...but this is the ONE issue in my life that has literally caused me so much pain...it has also been the only thing within our family unit that ever caused friction, so it is an intensely sore subject for me...it is also one for which I went to counseling for a LONG time, and for at least thirty two years has torn me apart. So as I said, I stopped believing in him a long time ago. But for me, it is similar to if I had a child who just would not act right and kept disappointing me over and over. I would not disown my child and would continue to hope and pray they would come around because we never stop loving our children....we just don't like their ways....(and I don't have children so I am talking about something I don't know...this is just what my Mama always told me) anyway, it is probably the reason as well that I continue to be hurt by it...if it didn't matter, I would not care if I hurt his feelings...just like in every other situation where someone is just being an a**, I can easily do whatever I need to do to handle it because while I might not WANT to hurt that person, they do not have a piece of my heart, so it does not matter. It makes a difference when you have a sibling to whom you were once so close...and it makes a difference if you have a sibling.
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Hope,

I am sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to.

He obviously has issues with keeping his word, which is horrible.

Sharon
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You know, in a nutshell, honest to God I would feel so ashamed of myself to have behaved the way he has ....utterly, completely ASHAMED.
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I am aware that it is not his job to make me happy. I don't think I implied that. And trust me it does make a difference if you have never had a sibling who has had the world handed to him all their life while I had to step aside for him and his family. I absolutely KNOW he will not change. He only seems to get more and more selfish as the years go on and feel more and more privileged. No, it is not his job to keep me happy or lift me up. It IS his responsibility when he has told me for the past year that he will help me go and get all my furnishings and he will let me know when he can go (I do have to arrange for respite care and that does not happen overnight)...I have already spoken with our nurse about this and they and I are all waiting on him. It isn't going to happen, I already know that. So I am moving to plan B, just as I have done all my life, when every stinking promise he has ever made he has not stood by. No it is not his job to lift me up.....you'd think it would be his own personal issue as a man to just honor his word. He sure was NOT raised that way by my Dad...but he was coddled by my Mama. Trust me, I stopped counting on him a long time ago. Doesn't make it hurt any less.
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Hope,

I have no siblings, so I cannot empathize with you. But my mother is the one who gets my heart racing (in a horrible way).

Anyway, I have been reading your thread for a couple of days. In your next to last post you make a comment that caught my eye. "But he just keeps letting me down over and over and over..."

That comment bothers me for some reason. His job in life is not to lift you up. It would be nice, yes, but it is not required of him. You need to somehow get past this and realize that only you lift yourself up. When we lean on others, we will get let down at some point. Our strength comes from inside of us.

I am not very good at expressing what I want to say sometimes, and I feel that this is one of those times. I am not intending at all to hurt your feelings or make you feel incompetent or sad. I just feel that if, perhaps, you could look at this a bit differently, the situation could turn around. At least for you, and you could have some peace. Your brother probably won't change.

I will say that in the last couple of weeks or so, since I've been on this forum, I've been looking at things VERY differently regarding my mother. I'm reading the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and it's been quite the eye opener. I'm not finished yet. I am by no means any type of a counselor at all. Your comment just grabbed me.

In a way, I look at this backwards. My husband has five siblings. He is third in line, and the youngest son. However, all of his siblings (except one) tend to revere him and his opinions. (Go figure!! :-) Perhaps revere was too strong of a word.) Anyway, the fact that they look up to him doesn't mean it's his position in life to make them happy/content. And he doesn't. They are all individuals and ultimately responsible for their own happiness.

So sorry to ramble. I truly hope things go well for you.

Sharon
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Sadly the other day with hospice, I surely did "let it fly"....I think I shocked the nurse....she is certainly not used to seeing me like that...no one who truly knows me is...I hold it in way too much I know...and it did feel really good to let it go and get it out....one day I feel like I want to go to the Grand Canyon and stand on the edge and just scream my head off til I get it all out.
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