I can't do this.

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I am disabled from a back injury. I also have a few emotional disorders that greatly affect my life.
My father died 7 yrs ago. My mother, aged 77, has gone down hill mentally but mostly physically ever sense.
It came down to having to move her in with me because my brother works. (That's his excuse for everything.)
Well, she was bad sick so i took her to the e.r. and she was admitted with pneumonia. After 6 days she was moved to rehab and has been there 11 days.
I am SO dreading her coming home. (I am a horrible daughter!) But, it's constantly demanding. And if I'm not sitting by her side awaiting her next need, she complains that it was a mistake for her to move in because she needs too much. Here's the thing - if she would not be so lazy she would not be calling my name so much.
She has called me into her bedroom to get me to hand her the drink on her nightstand.
She never (hardly ever) gets out of bed. Only to shower (when I can force her) (and don't get me started on how difficult it is for me to shower her with my back!), go potty, and SOME times she will eat at the table. Visitors had to sit in her bedroom because she won't get up.
EXCEPT, and here's the kicker, when it's my brother. He calls ahead so, she is always up sitting at the table when he gets here. Moving around with her rolling walker like it's child's-play. Otherwise she would be barely sliding one foot in front of the other.
Why does she do so well for him and so bad for me??
So, when I tell him things are kinda ruff because she won't move her body and/or she is talking out of her head about her two little children -- well, he doesn't see it. Ya know? So, is it all an act?
This is terrible, but, I'm hoping she won't get strong enough to come home and we can simply transition her over to the nursing home side of the facility. I love this woman -- but I really can't do this anymore.
God forgive me.


She is in a facility? Why are you having to give her showers and get her up and ready for your brother? Have the facility do the things you cannot or just do not want to. If bro wants her up and presentable, then tell him he needs to do it. Did that with my twisted family when I told them I was sick of being taken advantage of.
Mama lives with me, but has been in rehab for eleven days after having pneumonia - in order to build up some strength.
I don't get her up and ready for my brother. She decides she wants to get up and ready .... just so happens after he has called to say he's stopping by.

You are being very hard on yourself. Being a caregiver to a parent has to be one of the most difficult things we do in life. You don't need God's forgiveness. You need to forgive yourself.

Have you ever asked your mom why she stays in bed all day insisting that you wait on her when she jumps out of bed and rolls around the house when your brother is coming over?

And if she would like a sip of water and the water is within her reach tell her (nicely) to get it herself. If she's able to be up and out of bed she shouldn't be laying in bed all day, it's not good for her. Try to motivate her to get up.

You're not a horrible daughter. When my dad would have to go into the hospital when he lived with me I enjoyed the time off too.
Julie, mom is in rehab now? You have done so much for your mom and now you have your own medical issues. This happens often. It sounds like it is time for a higher level of care for mom and for you to care better for yourself. You should tell the facility that mom needs more care than you are able to provide. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Time for you to take much better of yourself.
You need to talk to the social worker at her current facility about what level of care she needs going forward. Make it clear that she cannot continue to live with you.

Stand firm.
Tell the facility that they need to find. Nursing home for her. She cannot come back to your home. And stand your ground. They will try to intimidate you to take her back. Insist she requires care you cannot give...no, she cannot come back to your home.

Tell brother that she require far more care than you can give her. And stick to your guns.
I agree with the others here - mom needs more care than you can provide. Refuse to bring her back to your home. And STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Your health and happiness are just as important as your mom's. You don't have to sacrifice your life in service to your mom. Let her go somewhere else and help her from afar. Good luck and please keep us posted!
JulieinCharge, I have had similar feelings of dread thinking about having to take care of my mother. My mother is young, 69 years old, but debilitated by arthritis, fibromyalgia, lack of mobility (she just had a knee replacement and the next knee is due to be done soon); she has anxiety and depression; she had breast cancer, thankfully, it was caught in its early stage, she was in an abusive marriage (my father) and finally got out of that 10 years ago. She is heavily medicated, which does not help her situation at all. She has had a terrible life and her quality of life continues to decline. I feel for her and I know that this has all been too much for her. However, I also find she knows how to play the victim (academy award performances) when she needs something. Her lists of demands grows exponentially each week. She lives on her own and I take care of her mail, her banking, all the issues that arise with managing a condominium, all her medical appointments (she asks to see doctors for everything), and driving her to wherever she wants to go. I can't tell you how many times I have had to run to her place to fix her TV because the remote is not working; the digital cable box is not responding etc. On top of that, if I do not call her every day I get a melodramatic diatribe on what an inconsiderate daughter I am. Apparently, I am supposed to call her during the day and before she goes to bed to say goodnight. Every phone call is about how miserable she feels either physically, emotionally, or both. When I go there she is sprawled out on the couch and complaining of pain and lashes out at me. Amazingly, however, when she gets invited out to a family function she's perfectly fine. So I end up sounding like an idiot because I have been telling my family (who does not take care of her) how sick she is. I dread being around her because I'm on eggshells, never knowing what will set her off. Lately, however, I find I have a short fuse with her, so now I dread being around her because I know I'm going to snap and be mean to her. She has been rushed to hospital for a variety of things, some very serious, and I secretly pray that she either remains there...forever...or doesn't make it. I know, it sounds awful...and I'm Catholic so I'm sure I'm breaking some commandment by just thinking about her not making it...apart from the guilt I will face in the afterlife, apparently I'm guilty for everything that happens to her in the here and now. It's been 10 years of this, not to mention the prior 40 years when she was with my father and I had to intervene in all that drama... I don't know how much longer I can take this, my nerves are shot, I tremble inside all the time and my health has started to quickly decline.
"She never (hardly ever) gets out of bed. Only to shower (when I can force her) (and don't get me started on how difficult it is for me to shower her with my back!), go potty, and SOME times she will eat at the table. "

THIS. With a bad back??? This is your reason to stop the caregiving. Tell the folks at the hospital/rehab that you cannot take care of her any longer. Stand strong. What would happen if you injured your back further???

Sunflower, I know what you mean about people not believing what you say about how sick your mother is. I document via e-mail pretty much every encounter I have with my mother to my brothers (all out of state). This is because in the past my mother has said I don't do anything for her. And said I was lying when I had to stay with her and be her slave two years ago for over a week because of her debilitating back and neck pain.

They don't even reply to me, usually, and I'm sure my emails sound whiny. Too bad! They know full well that our mother is NEVER coming to live with me, and I will NOT be her personal care attendant. They also know that if the demands get too great, that I will simply walk away. Believe me, they are very afraid of that! Then she's all theirs to deal with long distance.
You are a good daughter. You also are human. Everything you are feeling has been felt by those of us on this forum at one point or another. You are normal. Not everyone is capable of being a caregiver and that is alright.

When the social worker tells you your mom needs X, Y, and Z, say "I am physically unable to do that." Keep saying those words over and over and over again. Also, directly ask the social worker if your mother is a candidate for a nursing home. This is your chance to get out from under the stress and strain of caregiving. I hope you take it.

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