I can't do this.

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I am disabled from a back injury. I also have a few emotional disorders that greatly affect my life.
My father died 7 yrs ago. My mother, aged 77, has gone down hill mentally but mostly physically ever sense.
It came down to having to move her in with me because my brother works. (That's his excuse for everything.)
Well, she was bad sick so i took her to the e.r. and she was admitted with pneumonia. After 6 days she was moved to rehab and has been there 11 days.
I am SO dreading her coming home. (I am a horrible daughter!) But, it's constantly demanding. And if I'm not sitting by her side awaiting her next need, she complains that it was a mistake for her to move in because she needs too much. Here's the thing - if she would not be so lazy she would not be calling my name so much.
She has called me into her bedroom to get me to hand her the drink on her nightstand.
Wha!!!?!!?
She never (hardly ever) gets out of bed. Only to shower (when I can force her) (and don't get me started on how difficult it is for me to shower her with my back!), go potty, and SOME times she will eat at the table. Visitors had to sit in her bedroom because she won't get up.
EXCEPT, and here's the kicker, when it's my brother. He calls ahead so, she is always up sitting at the table when he gets here. Moving around with her rolling walker like it's child's-play. Otherwise she would be barely sliding one foot in front of the other.
Why does she do so well for him and so bad for me??
So, when I tell him things are kinda ruff because she won't move her body and/or she is talking out of her head about her two little children -- well, he doesn't see it. Ya know? So, is it all an act?
This is terrible, but, I'm hoping she won't get strong enough to come home and we can simply transition her over to the nursing home side of the facility. I love this woman -- but I really can't do this anymore.
God forgive me.

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Julie keep us updated on this. It seems that your Mom can move when she wants to and once the pneumonia is gone, I would fear that they would deem it possible for her to come home. I agree with the others and support you saying you can't take her. BUT if (somehow) she ends up back with you, the only thing you can change is YOU. Don't bring meals to her bedroom, have them in the kitchen where you eat. Maybe while she is out of your home, you can have someone remove the TV in her room. Oops, it wasn't working Mom- Come down to the family room! etc. Geeze, she is capable of doing things and stays in her bedroom? These stories scare the heck out of me. My 77 year old cousin is swimming 3 times a week, runs the outreach program, golfs, etc etc.
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I do NOT have POA. I have only recently mentioned it to Mama because I knee she would not like it. And, she didn't.
Her family dr is also the dr at this rehab/nursing home. I am hoping he will seemlessly just move her over to the residency side. She has already qualified for medicaid. I really don't know what the crap I'm doing.
Why is this so difficult and complicated?!?!?!
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Julie, refuse to take her home. Tell the rehab center you are incapable of taking care of her. Tell your brother that she cannot come back to your house. Hopefully he will understand and there won't be family drama over it. If he gets upset that you cannot take her, tell him that it seems mom is much healthier in his presence and she should stay with him. I wonder how many excuses he will have for not taking her. But don't let him off the hook and don't let him find a way to convince you to take her.
CTTN55 good idea to document what you do. I don't let my sister know too much of what I do for our mom. I spent 6 weeks in her condo when she had knee replacement surgery and provided 24/7 care. When my sister gets frustrated by my mom I tell her it's because mom is in pain and has early dementia. My sister always says, "she looks fine to me." The rest of the family always says she looks great. So then I wonder what is with the cries of agony and despair when I'm alone with her.
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Julie, you will not! And good for you. It is draining for you and hard on you medically. To keep the peace, if you have a good relationship with your brother, practice what you will tell rehab social worker. If not a good relationship, then just get it done. I hope you have mom's POA's and other documentation put together. You will need a doctor's script if nursing home is necessary. Otherwise assisted living or memory care.
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I thank you all for your encouragement and advice. It's helped me breathe again.
I have already told them that I can not get her on and off the bed, toilet, and shower chair. Although I have been doing this for a while. But, I can't any longer. Just can't. So, I suppose I will let the rehab place tell her she's not coming home. That way she can't get mad at me.
They probably think she was able to do things by herself before the pneumonia. Oh well.
I was going every day to see her but I changed it to every other day this past weekend. That has helped me considerably. And she has accepted it just fine. Which is odd, because she is usually very demanding of my time. I'm divorced, disabled - so unemplyed, so I guess she feels like I have loads if time to spare. Even when I do, doesn't always mean I want to spend it all with her. I have grown kids, a grandson, and a grandchild on the way, for crying out loud.
Ugh. Thank you for allowing me to vent. It has all been bottled up.
As the rehab office is closed today for Memorial Day (USA), I will speak to the powers that be tomorrow, I hope.
Maybe I should talk to my brother first? He and his family just got back from a long weekend away. Must be nice.
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Pay attention to Barb and Katie. 11 days is about half way through rehab. I suspect that a couple of days prior to discharge you will hear that she needs 24 hour care (meaning it is time to think NH). I recommend that you have about 10 days to find placement elsewhere and to get the paperwork started for financials...you have the time now to look because if she comes home, you will be limited and possibly worse off
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You are a good daughter. You also are human. Everything you are feeling has been felt by those of us on this forum at one point or another. You are normal. Not everyone is capable of being a caregiver and that is alright.

When the social worker tells you your mom needs X, Y, and Z, say "I am physically unable to do that." Keep saying those words over and over and over again. Also, directly ask the social worker if your mother is a candidate for a nursing home. This is your chance to get out from under the stress and strain of caregiving. I hope you take it.
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"She never (hardly ever) gets out of bed. Only to shower (when I can force her) (and don't get me started on how difficult it is for me to shower her with my back!), go potty, and SOME times she will eat at the table. "

THIS. With a bad back??? This is your reason to stop the caregiving. Tell the folks at the hospital/rehab that you cannot take care of her any longer. Stand strong. What would happen if you injured your back further???

Sunflower, I know what you mean about people not believing what you say about how sick your mother is. I document via e-mail pretty much every encounter I have with my mother to my brothers (all out of state). This is because in the past my mother has said I don't do anything for her. And said I was lying when I had to stay with her and be her slave two years ago for over a week because of her debilitating back and neck pain.

They don't even reply to me, usually, and I'm sure my emails sound whiny. Too bad! They know full well that our mother is NEVER coming to live with me, and I will NOT be her personal care attendant. They also know that if the demands get too great, that I will simply walk away. Believe me, they are very afraid of that! Then she's all theirs to deal with long distance.
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JulieinCharge, I have had similar feelings of dread thinking about having to take care of my mother. My mother is young, 69 years old, but debilitated by arthritis, fibromyalgia, lack of mobility (she just had a knee replacement and the next knee is due to be done soon); she has anxiety and depression; she had breast cancer, thankfully, it was caught in its early stage, she was in an abusive marriage (my father) and finally got out of that 10 years ago. She is heavily medicated, which does not help her situation at all. She has had a terrible life and her quality of life continues to decline. I feel for her and I know that this has all been too much for her. However, I also find she knows how to play the victim (academy award performances) when she needs something. Her lists of demands grows exponentially each week. She lives on her own and I take care of her mail, her banking, all the issues that arise with managing a condominium, all her medical appointments (she asks to see doctors for everything), and driving her to wherever she wants to go. I can't tell you how many times I have had to run to her place to fix her TV because the remote is not working; the digital cable box is not responding etc. On top of that, if I do not call her every day I get a melodramatic diatribe on what an inconsiderate daughter I am. Apparently, I am supposed to call her during the day and before she goes to bed to say goodnight. Every phone call is about how miserable she feels either physically, emotionally, or both. When I go there she is sprawled out on the couch and complaining of pain and lashes out at me. Amazingly, however, when she gets invited out to a family function she's perfectly fine. So I end up sounding like an idiot because I have been telling my family (who does not take care of her) how sick she is. I dread being around her because I'm on eggshells, never knowing what will set her off. Lately, however, I find I have a short fuse with her, so now I dread being around her because I know I'm going to snap and be mean to her. She has been rushed to hospital for a variety of things, some very serious, and I secretly pray that she either remains there...forever...or doesn't make it. I know, it sounds awful...and I'm Catholic so I'm sure I'm breaking some commandment by just thinking about her not making it...apart from the guilt I will face in the afterlife, apparently I'm guilty for everything that happens to her in the here and now. It's been 10 years of this, not to mention the prior 40 years when she was with my father and I had to intervene in all that drama... I don't know how much longer I can take this, my nerves are shot, I tremble inside all the time and my health has started to quickly decline.
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I agree with the others here - mom needs more care than you can provide. Refuse to bring her back to your home. And STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Your health and happiness are just as important as your mom's. You don't have to sacrifice your life in service to your mom. Let her go somewhere else and help her from afar. Good luck and please keep us posted!
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