I am disabled from a back injury. I also have a few emotional disorders that greatly affect my life.
My father died 7 yrs ago. My mother, aged 77, has gone down hill mentally but mostly physically ever sense.
It came down to having to move her in with me because my brother works. (That's his excuse for everything.)
Well, she was bad sick so i took her to the e.r. and she was admitted with pneumonia. After 6 days she was moved to rehab and has been there 11 days.
I am SO dreading her coming home. (I am a horrible daughter!) But, it's constantly demanding. And if I'm not sitting by her side awaiting her next need, she complains that it was a mistake for her to move in because she needs too much. Here's the thing - if she would not be so lazy she would not be calling my name so much.
She has called me into her bedroom to get me to hand her the drink on her nightstand.
She never (hardly ever) gets out of bed. Only to shower (when I can force her) (and don't get me started on how difficult it is for me to shower her with my back!), go potty, and SOME times she will eat at the table. Visitors had to sit in her bedroom because she won't get up.
EXCEPT, and here's the kicker, when it's my brother. He calls ahead so, she is always up sitting at the table when he gets here. Moving around with her rolling walker like it's child's-play. Otherwise she would be barely sliding one foot in front of the other.
Why does she do so well for him and so bad for me??
So, when I tell him things are kinda ruff because she won't move her body and/or she is talking out of her head about her two little children -- well, he doesn't see it. Ya know? So, is it all an act?
This is terrible, but, I'm hoping she won't get strong enough to come home and we can simply transition her over to the nursing home side of the facility. I love this woman -- but I really can't do this anymore.
God forgive me.
Her family dr is also the dr at this rehab/nursing home. I am hoping he will seemlessly just move her over to the residency side. She has already qualified for medicaid. I really don't know what the crap I'm doing.
Why is this so difficult and complicated?!?!?!
CTTN55 good idea to document what you do. I don't let my sister know too much of what I do for our mom. I spent 6 weeks in her condo when she had knee replacement surgery and provided 24/7 care. When my sister gets frustrated by my mom I tell her it's because mom is in pain and has early dementia. My sister always says, "she looks fine to me." The rest of the family always says she looks great. So then I wonder what is with the cries of agony and despair when I'm alone with her.
I have already told them that I can not get her on and off the bed, toilet, and shower chair. Although I have been doing this for a while. But, I can't any longer. Just can't. So, I suppose I will let the rehab place tell her she's not coming home. That way she can't get mad at me.
They probably think she was able to do things by herself before the pneumonia. Oh well.
I was going every day to see her but I changed it to every other day this past weekend. That has helped me considerably. And she has accepted it just fine. Which is odd, because she is usually very demanding of my time. I'm divorced, disabled - so unemplyed, so I guess she feels like I have loads if time to spare. Even when I do, doesn't always mean I want to spend it all with her. I have grown kids, a grandson, and a grandchild on the way, for crying out loud.
Ugh. Thank you for allowing me to vent. It has all been bottled up.
As the rehab office is closed today for Memorial Day (USA), I will speak to the powers that be tomorrow, I hope.
Maybe I should talk to my brother first? He and his family just got back from a long weekend away. Must be nice.
When the social worker tells you your mom needs X, Y, and Z, say "I am physically unable to do that." Keep saying those words over and over and over again. Also, directly ask the social worker if your mother is a candidate for a nursing home. This is your chance to get out from under the stress and strain of caregiving. I hope you take it.
THIS. With a bad back??? This is your reason to stop the caregiving. Tell the folks at the hospital/rehab that you cannot take care of her any longer. Stand strong. What would happen if you injured your back further???
Sunflower, I know what you mean about people not believing what you say about how sick your mother is. I document via e-mail pretty much every encounter I have with my mother to my brothers (all out of state). This is because in the past my mother has said I don't do anything for her. And said I was lying when I had to stay with her and be her slave two years ago for over a week because of her debilitating back and neck pain.
They don't even reply to me, usually, and I'm sure my emails sound whiny. Too bad! They know full well that our mother is NEVER coming to live with me, and I will NOT be her personal care attendant. They also know that if the demands get too great, that I will simply walk away. Believe me, they are very afraid of that! Then she's all theirs to deal with long distance.
Tell brother that she require far more care than you can give her. And stick to your guns.
You are being very hard on yourself. Being a caregiver to a parent has to be one of the most difficult things we do in life. You don't need God's forgiveness. You need to forgive yourself.
Have you ever asked your mom why she stays in bed all day insisting that you wait on her when she jumps out of bed and rolls around the house when your brother is coming over?
And if she would like a sip of water and the water is within her reach tell her (nicely) to get it herself. If she's able to be up and out of bed she shouldn't be laying in bed all day, it's not good for her. Try to motivate her to get up.
You're not a horrible daughter. When my dad would have to go into the hospital when he lived with me I enjoyed the time off too.
I don't get her up and ready for my brother. She decides she wants to get up and ready .... just so happens after he has called to say he's stopping by.