Drop in visitors.

Started by

I don't know if I am just a freak or if something is wrong with me, or if I am just so tired and exhausted most of the time it is making this way...but...is there anyone else out there who literally gets angry when folks just pop in randomly, offer no support emotionally and seem to present themselves mainly to lessen any guilt they may feel for not having checked on my Mom more in the previous years...I am so tired of people thinking I actually want to see them. Dont' get me wrong, there are folks whom I love, but to be honest they call before coming and also offer when here to let me run any errands I might need to run but the ones I am referring to are folks who, all my life, were pretty sniping, rude, invasive, lazy or just plain not really a part of our lives and now they seem to think they are long long friends. Mom has advanced dementia / alzheimers and most of these people she could care less if they come or not. and I sure don't want them here. And they have a knack for coming on a day when I have a headache, look like hell, or just in general need time to pull myself together. They cannot take a hint, (I have tried) and I have tried to be polite and even called them later and expressed to them to please call before coming as I don't always feel like coming. I have on a couple of occasions gotten flat out rude to them but they still return. So I' am thinking the problem must be me...does anyone else feel this way? BTW...I have a couple of folks who do message prior to coming and one in particular's general MO is that she is extremely depressed and is coming to see me...well you know what? I am not responsible for everyone else's mental health. I am doing well to hold onto my sanity....what am I doing wrong that these people don't get the message??? or have I already lost my mind and don't realize it?


I just wouldn't answer the door if that is possible. Do that a few times and they'll get the picture. I don't blame you, people who are so insensitive as to drop in unannounced aren't worth "entertaining". If they ask, tell them you were tied up with bathing your mom and didn't hear them or some other excuse. Just quit answering the door if you're not expecting company. Or if you have to answer the door, tell the visitor you were just getting mom in the tub and they need to come back at another ANNOUNCED time. Don't let them in the house!
Also, it might be helpful to add that the particular people of whom I speak were rude to my Mom through the course of their relationship and they talk loudly in front of Mom as if she weren't there and mention things that they have no business mentioning...funerals, wills, etc. etc....I am in disbelief most of the time ... one of them is the ex mother in law of my brother and our entire family like garbage the entire time they were married and yet still she comes. I feel very protective of my Mom and I literally despise this woman. I have been openly and forcefully bold towards her letting her know her presence and her comments are not welcome but still she comes...My next course of action seems to be the police which I have also considered but I do not want to hurt my brothers children (who by the way do not visit) another topic for another day....the level of rage this is creating in me cannot be stressed enough.
Thank you blannie....and I have tried that. I have literally sat here and they could see me and just ignored them. They went around the house several times, trying different doors and look into the windows....I am starting to thing this one person in particular is crazy...one time of that would have gotten the message across to me....but then I don't drop in on folks....
I don't know, it is just so hard to understand. The last time the ex in law popped in she kind of caught me off guard and I was right there are the door and so I just told her I had a migraine (which I did) and she just pushed her way in...
Even if you feel look like crap when they drop in ask them if they would mind keeping an eye on mom while you run errands........ then leave for a few hours..... go shopping get your nails done what ever. Then praise them for helping when you get back...... I really needed that time! Ask when they can do it again....... they will either stop coming or begin to form a regular schedule. Ask what day they can do it... say what ever day you want for 4 hours........ this will help you set up respite time.
Oh... just read about the nasty woman...... tell her your mom has tuberculosis! LOL
norest...that is what one of my friends told me I should do...it does sound like a great idea except the ex in law has no problem going through our home and looking into rooms where I have shut the doors and I know would have no problem rummaging through papers, etc. the more I write I think the more I think I am seeing...what am I thinking???? I don't owe this woman courtesy at this point....
You are right you do not want that person in your home...... she sounds like she does have mental problems.
I know it is not that I don't like people, as my aunts (my Mom's sisters) come frequently and I love to see them...they also call beforehand. I look forward to their visits....I think it is the whole "drop in issue" that sends me over the moon.....because it seems they also expect me to wait on them hand and foot...and one of them stays through meals so I end up having to cook for them as well....
Ok, time to set boundaries. Tell the nutjob not to come anymore.....The ones you like, have them stay with your mom so you can have "Me" time. Choose a time for visitors that works for you. A schedule each day, including visiting time is best for a dementia patient. Take care of you!
Personally I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. They can hear my dogs barking and my truck is in the driveway but if I don't recognize you GO AWAY!

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support