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Life brings many enjoyable missions and many overwhelming tasks to overcome. When a friend or family member becomes ill. The adventure to take on the tasks of a caregiver is overwhelming that people find to late or over looked. Or let's call it, bite more then you can chew is the later outcome. Is agreeing or becoming a first time caregiver for a love one the best tactic?

Unfortunately, I never got the chance to take care of my Parents because, they both passed away unexpectedly before their 60's. If they would have lived to seen their elderly yrs. I would have been the feller to care for them. Many know me on this Forum as venting about my 88 yr old Aunt that I agreed to take care of...As I was growing up this Aunt was one of my favorite Aunts. She was always nice to me and I looked up to her. My Father "her brother" told me yrs ago if there was anyone in the family to take of? This Aunt is the one he told me. This Aunt is also, my God Mother and was my Father's favorite sister. So, in a way I was prone to care for her when she reached her elderly yrs. After I took on this task of caregiver for my Aunt I wish I never found the word "Hate". I had no idea that this Aunt was so much of a hateful person. I never learned hate until this Aunt. Hate is like a spreading infection that's catchable. Do you love your loved one? I'm sure your answer is yes. Until you become a caregiver for them then, love is questionable. Becoming a caregiver for a loveone requires you to become closer to them and learning things about them that you may not want to learn about. I loved my Aunt. Until I became her caregiver. Now I hate her. I learned her darkside. I wish I never agreed to be her caregiver. If I never would of agreed to be her caregiver I wouldn't hate her today. Overcoming the hate isn't a simple task after catching it. Hate is a virus and very catchy. My advice to people is, before agreeing to be a caregiver for a loveone? How much do you really know about your loveone before attempting? Because, there's a darkside that you don't want to learn. Sometimes it's best to hand the rains over to someone else. The old saying "We learn as we go". If I knew then what I know now I would have never agreed to be a caregiver. I never was a hateful person until I took on this task. If you want to learn "Hate"? Become a caregiver!.. Because, enjoyable pleasure from being a caregiver isn't the only thing you will learn. Becoming a caregiver for your first time have you found the darkside yet?

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dogabone, she is schizophrenic and you are OCD, because you have posted this at least five times. For crying out loud, step back and let the state handle her. Sure you could use the money in her estate. It's not worth the madness you are going through.
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When it comes to hate it's time to turn the care giving duties over to others!!
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For me, being a caregiver has helped me develop more character as a person. It has not, and is not, coming easily, but I recognize in myself that I do go deeper and am more committed, when it comes down to it, than I ever thought I could be "going in".....
Now this isn't to say my mom isn't difficult and has her quirks, but so do I. I am very close to my mom since Dad died and she moved here, so I spend a LOT of time with her, and even then I think I should be spending more since she depends on me so much. It's not mom that gets to me; it's the burden of the time chunk that I have to give. But then I realize that someday she will be gone, and I will WISH for that phone to ring.
You see, this isn't your mom.... (I realize not all caregivers are taking care of a loving parent) but this is your aunt... and I don't think you are as close to her as you would be to a mother who raised and loved you. Do you know what I mean?
I don't think (*hope*) that you 'hate' her. I think you bit off more than you could chew with a really difficult person to caregive to. I would examine my feelings and hand the ball off, slow but sure, to the professionals before you feel like you could run away or snap. I am sure ultimately you want what is best for your aunt, and for you, too. The pros are used to dealing with difficult elderly people and understand the diseases that go with the territory.
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Don't take this the wong way, but what did you expect? Caregiving is hard...I am 32 and caring for my 90-year-old grandmother with my husband and a little help from my brother, her grandson. It is very hard, but mostly sad. I do not hate my grandmother...she is just is shell of who she used to be, but she still needs lovein her life from her family. Sure, she gets mad at me every single day for having her change her clothes, take her meds, wipe her bottom, whatever, but as a caregiver, you need to have a strong threshold to be able to just bite your tounge and deal with it. I am going to bend over backwards for my grandmother as long as I can. I have put things in my own life on hold, and I do feel that in some ways it's beyond my years and unfair since I am only 32, but I still don't hate my grandmother. Generally speaking, if you're not 100% mentally capable of managing someone's care, don't even try...it is a very rough job!
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Got me going!...local, state&federal government needs to give financial help to family care givers...subsidies so that family members do not lose jobs so as to care for love ones - old or young...let us look after our Mums&Dads&our babies&children...we will save government much money...just help us....
Too late for me&mine....so many others need help&caring for their loves...will save millions$s to tax payers...
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Everybody's experience is different. And let's be careful about tossing around the phrase "filial responsibility" in a way that guilt-trips people who can't look after their parents. For example, sometimes the parent is someone with a personality disorder who has been abusive their whole lives, and it does the adult child, the elder, and all of society no favors to pressure the adult child to continue to be the butt of that abuse; other helpers are less likely to be damaged because the abuser doesn't have it in for them the same way. In that case, "filial responsibility" could mean that the adult child does what s/he can to see to it that the elder has care and a roof over their head (and even that is not necessarily in the adult child's power to accomplish)... and then the adult child's responsibility to life and the health of the whole population may actually be to stay away! I know this statement might trigger outraged sputtering about what's right and what's wrong, but remember that these principles are culturally defined and not absolute, and never black-and-white. Digging down for the best in yourself is a good thing for all of us, but the best in us may be a decision that others condemn. Let's not make each other's lives any more difficult with our judgements. As for the original poster -- get some help, get some distance, get a breath of air!
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I'm relieved that these feelings that you express are not uncommon. I 'hate' to say that I have come to feel them too. And you are right that can become an infection that can stay awhile. So many days I pray (and I'm not religious) that these feelings would go away. Living with an ill loved one DOES show you their darker side (a combo of their personality and their illness) but it also brings out my not so pretty side too. I don't like what I've become. Those from the outside who observe and visit infrequently HAVE NO IDEA the challenges the caregiver faces. Much of the time they see what I call "the public persona". I get annoyed when people tell me, "your mother is such a sweet person". She definitely is---to other people. So don't feel alone in your feelings. I share them.
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If you are an unpaid caregiver, it is all too easy to become resentful.

I am in this position (the little bit that was promised me, is being stolen by a sibling with POA).

I don't believe you really "hate" being caregiver, I believe you are underappreciated, and it's natural to feel extremely frustrated by that situation.

Instead of "hating" the situation, direct your frustration at the Other Family Members who SHOULD be helping (financially, time, etc).

You ALL have a responsibility.
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Dogabone, I know from whince you come! I too am glad to hear others mention the negative side of caring for a relative. I can't say that I hate my mother as we were best friends prior to this disease. What I do hate are the actions and behaviors that have come to live in her body. I hate that she screams at me to "pack my stuff and get my ass out" that she is difficult and refuses medications, that she asks me 50 times a day if the dog has been fed, that she refuses to leave the house, that she fights me for the checkbook and calls me a liar. That she treats my sisters wonderfully and I am treated like a slave.

I had taken care of three other relatives prior to my mother and NO I DID NOT KNOW IT WOULD BE THIS HARD!!! None of the three had dementia.

If I had a crystal ball 8 years ago and could have predicted or seen what was going to happen on this care giving journey, I would have run in the other direction just as both of my siblings have.

Being treated badly takes a toll on you, I do not care if it is the disease, you are beaten down by it. Not being paid for your services so you can "save the inheritance" only to have it divided between those who do not life a finger to help, will make you angry or resentful.

This disease does bring out their bad side and in doing so, most assuredly will bring out yours as well....at least on occasion. Then when you decide you can handle it no longer and they will have to go to a nursing home, you get to experience the feeling of failure, and listen to everyone else as they tell you how disappointed they are.....in you!

I think you posted a valid question.
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I agree "hate" is too strong a word. I dont think any of us hate care giving I just wish i had more support with this its not possible to do any job 24/7 on your own. I would be a happier caregiver if family were around to give me a break at times but because i dont i cant cope i would never hate my mum but i do "HATE" this illness. Its cruel and it destroys families all i do is pray for peace for her and for me then i feel guilty as i know the only way ill have peace is when she dies and thats an awful thing to want but im being honest it kills me to see her deteriorate every week and this is going to get worse? i cant imagine this getting any worse?
We went into town yesterday for shopping as soon as we got there she wanted to sit down so we went for a coffee then she spent about 15mins looking around a shop and AGAIN needed to sit down so we went for another coffee then home?? so sad that she cant manage a few hours out like she used to. I feel guilty as im running out of patience with her and i shouldnt as its not her fault i guess im seeing that shes becoming more and more dependent on me and im finding this overwhelming and a huge responsibility.
I met a woman the other day whos mum has ALS we got talking and she says her mum lives alone but she has family all over and they have a rota so her mum is never alone. I felt so jealous and felt no sympathy for her just kept telling her how lucky she was. she said her mum would never end up in a NH yeh right?
Imagine feeling envious of people who have support from family?
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