I don't know what to do. frustrated and angry.

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Two years ago I moved my dad in with my family. He has multiple health issues, vision problems, and is mentally retarded. I did not want to be responsible for his care, but there is no one else willing or able to do it, and he cannot live alone. The more I do for him the worse he treats me. Today he told me he hates my husband and isn't afraid to kill someone. I'm not worried that he'll kill my husband, but I don't want to deal with him talking like that. It irritates me and stresses me out. He makes up things to be angry about, he has tantrums and won't speak to me (or my husband and kids) for weeks at a time, and he constantly criticizes my parenting. The bottom line -- I don't want him living with us anymore, but there's no other place to move him to. I just want him gone. Out of my house, out of my life. I'd be perfectly content to never see him or speak to him again. I didn't speak to him for three years before the responsibility for his care was basically dropped in my lap. I'd be happy to go back to the days of not speaking to him. Moving him in with us was a mistake I've been paying for for two years and I see no end in sight.


orangeblossom, you need to be making plans for your future separate from your father. I assume that his resources are not plentiful because of his limitations. Have you looked around to see if there is a facility that would be suitable for him? If you need help, you could call the county's Department of Human Services and talk to someone with the agency on aging. They may be able to help you by doing a needs assessment on him and give you some idea of what is available. I don't know if he would qualify for a nursing home from what you wrote. But he may be able to qualify for a facility for handicapped adults.

We want these relationships to work out for the good of everyone. There are times, though, that the home becomes a miserable place for everyone. There may be a place that your father would be happier. And I know that you and your husband would be. Please feel free to talk about things here. Many people are in similar circumstances, though most are not as extreme. You sound like you have it rough and need to get your dad out of there as soon as possible.
Your father does need to be in an environment with more controls, before he ruins your life. Given his mental limitations, it's too much of a challenge and hardship on you and your family.

Jessie makes good suggestions. Start with the County to see what help they can offer.
Are you in the US? That can give us a clue about how specific to be about resources available.

Wherever you are, you are wrong about there not being any other place for him and that you "had" to take him in. What if he had no children? Would he be living in a cardboard box under a highway overpass? There are ALWAYS alternatives. He may not like them, that is true, but you don't like the present situation. Change it!

You may not be able to control exactly where your father goes, but you can and should control who lives in your house.
I am in the US. I live in Pennsylvania. His options for places to live are limited due to the fact that he is practically broke. When my mother left him 12 years ago she took every dime of money they had. He has no savings, pensions, or investments and gets less than $1000/month from social security. When this mess was dropped in my lap he was living in a two room apartment with barely any food, and was being ripped off by his representative payee.
Since he is mentally retarded there should be resources available to pay for his care in a facility.
Hugs to you. ❤️
What if you called Adult Protective Services and explained that your father was a vulnerable adult in need of housing and other services, and that you could not continue to have him live with you? You wish him well and you'd like to see him taken care of, but you cannot be the caregiver.

Looking back, it would have been good to call APS two years ago. You can't go back and do it then, but you can do it now.

Good luck!
As Jesse said, start with your county resources for seniors. Set up an asessement or case manager pronto.

Insist on a first appt at the county's office -- without dad. You can speak freely and explore all options with the program manager or case worker. Set up dad's in-home assessment while you are there. Do not leave without that commitment from them.

Be persistent. There will be tons of paperwork, phone calls and appointments. Stay on top of all the red tape. Even when it's drivng you crazy.

Do not tolerate them being dismissive or slow.....because dad has you. That's the problem, not the solution! An overworked or overwhelmed case worker will want to put your dad at the bottom of the list -- because he currently has a roof over his head and food. Without being confrontational, make it clear that using you as the default is unacceptable.

If you work outside the home, you'll need to miss work here-n-there. That's lousy and disruptive. But plan for it. Until you get dad placed, there's no way around it. Develop a face-to-face relationship with key players. It's worth the investment.

Good luck to you. Stay organized. Take notes. Be a watchdog. You are awesome for giving your children and husband (and your own sanity) the priority they deserve. It might be a rough journey. And exhausting! But you can do it.

Take care. And keep us updated. Big hugs!
I agree with all comments that regard moving forward with getting him into a place of his own, or a community setting, or assisted living or another setting away from you. The only little thing I would add is: Don't back down. Look them eye to eye until they give you results. If necessary pack a backpack with a blanket and snacks and water and state that you will wait until the decision maker is there and able to help you. (Of course make sure your dad has a caregiver during that time, but be prepared for the whole adventure to take -- my rule of thumb -- five times longer than you expect.)
Please keep us posted on what happens!

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