One week from today Mother will be released (released early for poor behavior) from rehab. Of course she is coming back to my home, as she has dozens of times over the past 16 years. There will be more equipment and several types of rehab in my home 3-5 times per week with several different people coming in and out scheduling time that suits them and half a dozen MD appointments and 24/7 care.
We hoped Mother would stay in rehab long enough and regain her strength and relearn enough skills to make transfers less difficult and be able to give herself a bath sitting in a chair. We purchased a shower chair but she refuses to use it.
Mother asked for 6 months when we returned from our honeymoon, that was sixteen years ago, 20+ falls ago, one TIA ago, dozens and dozens of UTI's ago, dozens of other illnesses ago, two eye surgeries and one gallbladder surgery ago.
When we began taking care of Mother we had a brand new marriage, I had a career in the Music Industry and was attending college full time at night. Our plans were to start a family, purchase a home nearby (because Mother is disabled) and I was going to finish college (which I did) and begin grad school (either law school or if we had a child by them grad school to become a professor).
My career that I worked so hard for went down the tubes as the partners said that either I could move closer to work and away from Mother who was calling and disrupting my work all the time or leave. I got my bachelors degree (albeit I had to drop my schedule several times costing thousands and thousands of dollars because scholarships do not cover such disruptions and had to take out loans to cover these debts) but was unable to take advantage of scholarships for grad school. Mother had emergency after emergency and used the fact that my siblings had children and she was a widow and I feel for that hook line and STINKER.
She actually had me convinced that if I asked for my brothers help that meant I HATE their children because it would be taking food out of their mouths. Looking back, what pure b/s, my brothers make an extremely comfortable living.
Year after year, emergency after emergency and dumb dumb me kept listening to her say everyone in our family can have babies well into middle age. "Just give me six more months" "Just help me through this illness" it will be okay, you can have children whenever you wish. Well, turns out not in my case.
Four months into our marriage Mother had a bad fall and since that time I've been her caretaker. I was the last to get married, the only girl, had no children and being a good, "proper" southern girl I had the responsibility of caring for her. I never imagined being in this role more than a few months but over time and fall after fall (she refuses to obey MD's safety orders) her condition deteriorated and sixteen years later she still lives with us and her care takes up much of my day as she is at full assist. Over time as her needs escalated, and abilities decreased, her care ended my career, ended plans for graduate school and our plans for having a family, I've lost ALL my work friends and my best friend since high school. I so wish we had not delayed having a family while we were both young and/or I had found a way to afford full time assistance for Mother as I could not carry a pregnancy while transferring Mother several times a day, I needed bed rest.
We went through the steps and classes to adopt, but another emergency, imagine that, but we only need to retake two classes, and guess what, another emergency that has left Mother in the rehab hospital for nearly two months now, but, giving us a rest...... not exactly. For the first few weeks I had to be there nearly all day because of her poor behavior and refusal to do things she must do in order to stay and then if she doesn't receive daily visits she blows her top so, little rest and she comes home next week.
I have a big birthday coming up and I'm so depressed and angry with myself for allowing this to go on for so long. Over the past 6 of the sixteen years mother has become increasingly abusive, mean, manipulative, even more narcissistic and nearly impossible. She uses family triangulation and manipulation and until therapy I didn't realize these things or that I've been a lifetime family scapegoat. She is on the borderline economically so alternative plans other than a dump are not feasible. My not working and accruing benefits and SS for the future has and will cost us more than I care to calculate.
I do have a wonderful husband but he's gone 50+ hours per week and he can't and shouldn't try to fill in all the black holes, and I refuse to do to him what has been done to me. I'm so sad I don't know what to do.