My father is 93 and living in his own home. He lives alone as my mum died 18 years ago. Since then I have seen him more and more. Certainly every Saturday and Sunday. Saturday used to be taking him shopping, now it is doing his shopping as he is housebound apart from a very short walk in the street with me to support. I speak to him every day. If I didn't visit it would be on the phone, but now I have to visit as he can't hear. He always has 'issues'. The visit is rarely just a chat. Always something to fix, acquire, do etc. We never sit and watch TV or just talk. I am an only child (well of 64!) so it all falls on me. He does have a friend visit and visits twice a week from two agencies. They just chat and help solve his problems. After a three week stay in respite due to arthritis he currently has carers three times a day, but he doesn't like this and he hated being in respite and that was actually worse than him being at home. I had to go in every day, sometimes twice a day to sort out his problems. It is me who takes him to, for example, get his eyes tested, his hearing aids sorted, the dentist - all of which are difficult as he struggles to walk. It is a shame for him because he now can't garden or go anywhere at all without my help. He doesn't watch television much as he can't hear it and was never that interested anyway. He doesn't read much anymore. He eats and sleeps and comes up with problems. Basically I am visiting most days. You can't pop in with old people. A visit is at least an hour, usually more. I am worn out and feel I can't go on. After the experience of him having respite care I think he would be dreadful if I got him into a care home. He would hate it and cause trouble. I don't know what to do. I feel my life is being wasted. I am exhausted and depressed at the thought of having to do this every day. There are no other relatives near by. My husband occasionally goes round, but they don't get on. I don't know what the solution is.

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Im 59 have had dad for going on 3 yrs with little to no help from family in 3 rys ive had 12 days off dad has parkinsons an sundowners i live in a small rual oh. Town an im having a hard time finding a respit so i. Can get a break dad has started to get agressive im afaid that i wont b able to find a place to take him burnt but not ashes yet
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You don't need to be there everyday. You will find the more you do, the more they want and it will never be enough. Do what you can and that is it. I don't call my father often because every conversation starts with "I have a problem". I am so sick and tired of his problems which are often self inflicted or just plain made up. I visit once every other week , sometimes more often if something comes up. And I have found that the more time I spend with him the more time he wants. I was there 4 hours last week (my normal visit is closer to 2 hours) and there was a phone message for me before I even got home. I repeat do what you can and that is it. If you end up sick then he will have no one.
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Candy, I know what you are going through.... only child here and my sig other isn't all that social with my Dad [94] as they have very little in common.... so I also don't have a support system. I feel like I have to do it all. It can be so exhausting and very stressful.

I believe our parent(s) still view us as being 35 and can do everything... they don't see us as seniors ourselves, with our own age decline issues and medical problems. And it is also difficult to see our parents age. My Dad could no longer fix things around the house even thought my Mom was in denial that he shouldn't be climbing up ladders at 94. And Dad was in denial that my Mom, who was older, couldn't keep doing all the housework, laundry, and cooking. She refused caregivers or cleaning crews, It finally did her in, and she passed.

Ok, back to the visits. For 7 years I use to pop in to see my parents numerous times during the week, mainly for driving them for groceries, appointments, shopping, etc. Eventually it was too hard for me to help two aging parents with walking... Dad finally got a rolling walker which was great, but my Mom refused to use one. Plus my nerves were shot from all the driving :P

Once my Dad moved to senior living, plus he has caregivers, I started to slowly back off on the visits. I use to be there every other day. Now I go once a week for maybe a half hour. I do call Dad daily.
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You don't have to be his everything. No one can be one person's everything. As you're finding out it's pretty much impossible and destructive.

If he has caregivers who come in 3 times a day what are you doing over there everyday? What do his caregivers do?

Would 1 caregiver for a longer duration than 3 hours be another option? A caregiver could work a 6 hour shift for your dad. I would think that would streamline and organize things better for him (and for you).

You'll still be involved for as long as he's alive but if he's got caregivers let them do their job, that's what they're there for.

When people refuse to move to Assisted Living and insist on staying at home sacrifices have to be made. Your dad may have to make a few sacrifices if he wants to stay at home.
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Once a week is all you need to do, if there are caregivers on site three times a day. Sure he is grumpy. My husband is 65 and grumpy. His mother who lived to 88 was even grumpier. We found after an hour she would be tired and get downright nasty. That's when we would leave.
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