We have decided it's time for Dad to be placed. I can't mentally do this anymore.

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It's been three plus years of solo caretaking in my home. Dementia seems to have caused his self absorbed behavior to explode. He is pacemaker and pill dependent. Even though he reminds me how I am a liar and try to make him think he's crazy/nuts (those are his words,) I feel guilt. My sister is having a family meeting this weekend to bring it to the table, at my house, so that dad "sees how much WE are doing for him, how much WE care." My brothers are absentee, not even a phone call unless they need something! So, I resent those words that were used, because they have done NOTHING. Honestly, I have told my husband that my dad is going to blame me for "throwing him out," and will think I cooked this up all by myself. This will be a nerve wracker of a week. I'm sorry, I needed to vent.

5 Comments

You have done more than your part and your sister will hopefully support your decision. The patient always seems to resent the very person who gives them the most care. We see this over and over again; do not feel guilty. Allow her time to speak privately with Dad, but then join forces and approach as 2 against one.
60yearoldchild, try to remember some of the things that your Dad is saying to you is his "dementia" talking. People with dementia will make up stories, claim whomever is caring for them is stealing and doing them harm... it's the nature of the dementia beast. Is that fair to you, of course not, and words will hurt for a long time.

So push that guilt beside, you are doing what is best for your Dad, and that means a higher level of care by a staff who work 3 separate shifts, not work 168 hours a week like you are doing.
If you can accept that your dad's dementia is preventing him from acting rationally, then I think you might feel better. I love my parents, but becoming a martyr is just not something I feel compelled to do. I certainly wouldn't want my children doing that for me, should I become irrational, difficult and exhausting to handle. It's an illness that needs the proper attention and care. Why not allow professionals to do what they are trained to do. There is plenty of time to visit, call, and give to your dad in other ways. There's no point in worrying about the criticism of others who aren't involved either. Do what you know is the right thing and have peace with it.
Thank you all for the validation, wow, I need it.
Well, my sister's meeting came and went. My two brothers didn't really say anything about "my" decision to move dad out. I took my sister to the residence, of course she starting redecorating the house with dad's stuff, etc. As if he was ok and just moving into a regular place. She was a little taken back by the three residents we interacted with, full blown dementia and a gentleman who totally pooped himself at the kitchen table. My sister can not deal with the physical parts of care. She, like the others, doesn't think he's that bad off. He put on a great show Saturday. I finally pulled her aside privately and laid it out, how he really is seven days a week! She says "well maybe you're right, I don't see him all the time, but maybe you're exaggerating because you're over it." It seems like ignorance is bliss to many people, especially those who don't/won't help with their parent's care. Out of sight, out of mind. Oh well, before I keep rambling on, This a really nice place, I have done a fair amount of recon on it, visiting without calling first as an example. Now, just waiting for a bed to come open. I don't want to hear what an angel I am, nor am I doing this to gain another "star for my heavenly crown." (I really hate that one!) I just want the end of life to be comfortable and somewhat happy, free of the horrible conflict that dementia between us. You all make me feel better and your words of advice and encouragement mean a lot to me, thank you!

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