Anyone else have health and money problems trying to take care of elderly parent?

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I take care of my mother in her home with very little help from other members of my family. In fact no help except my son who will once in a while refresh her water or change a tv station. Two days ago I fell while trying to carry my mother's tray of food from one room to another. I bruised my already arthritic hip and lower back. I was given vicodin and told to rest but as you know rest is out of the question. Now my 90 year old mother who has Dementia, COPD, bursitis, is trying to help me with chores but cannot due to not being able to walk or stand for long periods of time. Respite care is a joke even though they are registered through the City, they are only allowed to do certain things. They cannot administer medication or do any of the things a CNA can do. So I just bite the bullet and continue to administer care to mother. Another worry is not having enough money to live on once mom passes. I only receive a small widows pension and it is not enough to really live on independently. I have no family to care for me (son has already told me he has to care for his own family) and brother is too selfish and ego centered to offer any help. He would see me lying in the street and would just keep going. I don't know if there are any senior care homes who offer grants for people like me or what? Does anyone have any ideas who I should contact about living in an inexpensive senior home after mom passes? I only have three months to clean up house and move out. Thank you and God Bless you.

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I'm remembering some of this now. If I recall correctly, both the son and his live-in GF were treating Glo poorly and she was distraught by his negative attitude toward her.

It seems that your son still isn't helping you or your mother, including when you're injured and not feeling well. Nor has his negative attitude changed.

You need to think about yourself and your mother and let your son find his own way.

I think you should contact a county social worker, or call the Area Agency on Aging and see if they can refer you to social worker you could call to find one who might be compatible with you. A senior center may also have some recommendations or referrals that could be made. Then address the issue of senior housing.

You could also ask a social worker to help you get started on a Medicaid application for your mother. If you're not able to care for her and your son won't help, this would probably be the best thing for her. From your own description, your mother is trying to help you but is unable to. This is actually quite sad, that this concerned woman is trying to provide what your son won't.

Having enough money to live on is certainly a legitimate concern. I have it as well, as I'm sure do others. But taking action now to get social assistance to help you is better than having a sponging son who isn't helping.

Is he still living with you or has he finally grown up and found a place of his own for his GF and child?

I'm concerned for the welfare of both you and your mother. You both need relief from a son who won't help, and you're both entitled to a happier life and being treated with respect, which apparently you haven't been getting from your son.

FF asks a good question - if you had broken your leg and were required to rehab in a facility, or if the stress shortens your life, who will take care of your mother?

The best thing you can do for her is to ensure her care regardless of what happens to you.

I hope you find a solution and find peace within yourself to move on and leave your noncontributing son behind.
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glornorth59, I've looked back to see how long you have been on the forum and it's been since July 2012.... and over those years most everyone has been telling you that you need to get for your Mother, or either place her in a continuing care facility.

Your Mother needs more help than one person can provide, and you have been burnt out from this for many years. I remember back when your son, his girlfriend and their baby were living with you and how disrespectful he was to you.

Time to get your mother signed up with Medicaid. Yes, that will mean that Medicaid will put a lien on the house to get funds from whatever equity is left to help pay for your Mother's card. I assume your Mom still has the Reversed Mortgage.

Last year your wrote here saying you were moving out, getting your own apartment and had or had a promise of a job. And that your son would take care of his grandmother. What happened to that? I remember that your brother pretty much gave up helping because he wanted his Mom in a nursing home because he was seeing how all this was slowly damaging your own life.

I honestly think you are trapped in this situation by your own doing. You want the best for your Mom but you are killing yourself in the mean time. Tell us, what would happen if you were no longer around?
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You're still very young yet (much younger than me) so I would begin planning for a post-caregiving career. It doesn't have to be full time; even part time can help and be stimulating because you'll be getting out and possibly interacting with other people.

There's a very helpful recent thread on returning to work after caregiving. You can search for it; I think the suggestions of others will be helpful.

There used to be an Operation Able, something like that, that provided training for income qualified older people to return to work. You might check that out; it could be very helpful.

A local senior center may need help; retail places hire part-timers. I would start looking now and find some companies and professions that focus on part-time employment.

Search online for senior subsidized housing; Section 8 might have some facilities in your area.
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