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Have been caregiving 10 years already to a healthy 89 year old who made no effort to recuperate after a fall. Quit walking. Doesn't dress. 7 years it took her to change her own sheets. She is a narcissistic waste of a mother. Said I owe it to her for creating me. Said she did her "duty" having children. Didn't talk to my husband for 17 years never apologized but lives in his house. She is the most hateful selfish woman and I cannot do this much longer or I will break down myself. She won't sell her house so she can go to assisted living and she is killing me and ruining my marriage snd my life and she has no health problems except fear snd selfishness. My brother refuses to help. He hates her too. I am so depressed and angry I can barely function. I have nowhere to turn to and no one to help me. I pray for her to pass away so I can live my life. She has taken half of my married life. The hurt she has caused my heart will never be forgotten or forgiven and I will never talk to my waste of a brother ever again.

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Dear Stressedkid,

I'm so sorry for everything you are feeling. You are a good person and you have done more than your fair share. I know sometimes we feel like we can't walk away from our parents, but when the situation escalates to this point, you must do it for yourself.

Please call Adult Protective Services or social services, talk to a counsellor. There is help in the community and through church. There are options. You don't have to do this anymore. I know it will be hard, but know that your husband and daughter will respect you more for it.

Thinking of you. Take care of yourself.
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Stressedkid,
You can give up the POA. Tell Mom you are no longer taking care of her rentals. Its getting too much for you. She either sells them or put them into a managements hands. She also needs to sell her home and find an AL facility.  And yes, you can sell Moms house if she is considered not competent to handle her affairs.  POA is not in effect until this is determained.  
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Ps when i said u both have to put your foot down i was also talking to the woman with mother next door.
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Wow! You both have to put your foot down. Put her back in her home
Place her in convelesvent home for physicsl therapy telling her this is it. Your going home and u will be mainly alone.
If POA maybe put her house in reverse mortage. So u can hire a live in or care givers. To help het. If she refuses physical therapy take het home have a care giver there is she fires her she is on her own
Wake up call.
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Stressed;

Why do you feel obligated?

You DO have an obligation to your husband and OMG, how much more so to you daughter! Before you quote the Bible to me, note that it says "honor" your parents. There is MUCH in Bible studies that indicates that this obligation is not to jump to their every whim, but to not cause them disgrace by your actions.

HER actions are going to cause you to have a breakdown.

You CAN resign your POA, you know. You can step back from whatever you do for her. You can call APS and tell them that she's a vulnerable elder (that's the truth).

Let her manage on her own if she's going to make your life hell. There is no reason for you to put up with this treatment.
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I just sincerely broke down reading this because it was as if i wrote my self. My mother has suffered from mental illness for 30 years and the older she gets the meaner and more demanding she gets and now has cognitive issues also. Her and my husband are like oil and water they cant live together so she lives next door. My husband resents that she demands so much of my time and she reminds me daily that I owe her and my husband is dirt. Not only that she
has 5 rental properties she has strapped me with. I do have POA. I have called in a sitter ....she fires them....I have tried to put rental properties in rental mgmt she refuses...She will not allow me to call any social services, aging care etc....and she self medicates....did I mention i also have a teenage daughter....and a brother that also checked out years ago....and an unsupportive husband, and i lost my job in april...I left her home last night screaming because she was demanding and drunk and telling me i owed her. I am just so depressed and feel obligated.
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Susan, you first posted about this two years ago. What has transpired since then?

You must have taken some action, and it mustn't have worked. Let's all work on this together. We can help.
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I agree with others. Your time as caretaker must end. Counseling for you as an individual and maybe as a couple will be essential.
Move forward. You deserve to live your life as you need and want to.
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Please don't blame your brother because he made the right choice and you didn't. Would you really wish this on someone else? You made the choice to have her in your home. Your husband must be some special man for putting up with this for all those years. Now it is time for you to choose to move her out. She doesn't get a say. Take back your life before it is too late.
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You have done so much for her. Time to make her move out. You deserve some peace!
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Just hugs, Susan. It's awful to read a post so full of pain.

This has been getting bad for at least two years now, is that right?
Have you had any conversations with professionals about what your options might be? - elder care attorney, social worker, that kind of professional, I mean.
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Start by calling your local Area Agency on Aging. Arrange for a "needs assessment".

Tell them that you can no longer care for her in your home and that other arrangements will have to be made.

You CAN start eviction proceedings. Others have done it.
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I always think that one of the signs of a mature adult is that they no longer believe everything that their parents tell them.  She "did her duty" and "created you?".  Hogwash.

You get to make the best choices for YOUR life, not hers. 

You CAN'T sell her house if you have POA; you are charged with doing what SHE wishes according to a POA.  But if you have POA, you can resign it in a businesslike fashion and allow her to do what she wishes with her life, separate from yours. 

Your mom can make unhealthy selfish choices; you can make your own.

If she lives in your home, that is YOUR choice. If she still owns her own home, why not take her back there?  Let her use her resources to arrange others to care for her.
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Just stop, honey..... find out how to get POA if you don't have it so you can sell the house without her permission and get her into ALF or a nursing home, if she doesn't walk or transfer from a wheelchair by herself. If you can't do this, social services and her doctor can get it done, I'm sure, because my mom's social worker and doctor take care of her as if I don't exist (because she wants it that way - suits me), and they will put her in a facility if she eventually needs it. Ask. Ask an elder attorney if you need to, but put an end to this yourself, ASAP, or you will lose the rest of your life and marriage. God bless you!
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