I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

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I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mom who has diabetes, macular degeneration, heart disease - you name it, honey, she's got it. I'm single and I moved back home to care for her and dad before he died. I love my mom, and I do my best for her, but I am so tired of being treated like an only child by my siblings. My brother and sister rarely call or come over. If I plan far enough in advance my sister will take mom to the doctor, but then she acts like she's an authority on mom's health issues while at the doctor, when she really isn't. She also thinks mom can go to the mall and run around afterward, which she's not able to do. My brother is useless - would it break his back to mow the yard? They are both married but they have no children, and my brother is retired so he has time on his hands. I complained about this once and my sister said I had chosen my life, and it wasn't her fault. True enough, but again it's HER mom too. I'm not sure I even know what my question is, I'm just so tired of handling this all alone. I find myself wishing my mom would die, just so I could have my life back. Then I feel awful for thinking such things. It's been nearly 10 years of this, and I am at the end of my rope. I have lost touch with all my friends and haven't had a date in 8 years. I just feel so alone, and I resent my siblings so much that when mom does die, I really have no intention of keeping in touch with them. I'm sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent.

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I feel you and your not alone...here is my story My sister and I stay with my dying Dad so he will not pass away by himself....scared and alone...he does not derserve to die along without a love one...we are both tired and beat down...we have one sister who lives close by to hospice but only comes in for a little while to visit and tries to take over ...example: he loves old country music and I will play for him..she shuts off and makes smart comments that he needs soft music that this isn't good for him etc...he hates ...we have ask her to stay with daddy so we can take a break but has excuses...we only ask so love one will be with him if he passes ...he is in hospice care...her daughter is 12 years old and mom has offered to stay with daughter which sister make excuse for not helping...she has always been selfish and all about her...she is sister by blood only...she has the personality that likes to start fights and hard to block out to a point I could go off on her. I try not to speak to her and pretend she is invisible cause daddy doesn't need to hear us fussing. So hard not to attack her. I am easy going but can take so much...advise needed.

Commented on a discussion 1/25/2018 at 7:01 am
I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.
My sister and i stay with my dying sad so he will nit pass away by himself....scared and alon...he does nit derserve to die along without a love one...we are both tired and beat down...we have one ...Read More
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My sister and i stay with my dying sad so he will nit pass away by himself....scared and alon...he does nit derserve to die along without a love one...we are both tired and beat down...we have one sister eho lives close by to hospice but only comes in for a little while to visit and tries to take over ...example: he loves old country music and i will play for him..she shuts off and makes smart comments that he needs soft music that this isnt good for him etc...he hates ...we have ask her to stay with daddy so we can take a break but has excuses...we only ask so love one will be with him if he passes ...he is in hospice care...her daughter is 12 years old and mom has offered to stay with daughter which sister make excuse for not helping...sshe bas always veen selfish and all about her...she is sister by blood only...she has the personality that likes to start fights and hard to block out to a point i coukd go off on her..i try not to speak to her and pretent she is invisible cause daddy doesnt need to hear us fussing...so hard not to attack her.. i am easy going but can take so much...advise needed
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Dear ReliableChild,

Good of you to care for your mom. This thread is so interesting to me because I had the same issue. I know its not uncommon. I'm the oldest of my sibling group and the default caregiver. It certainly isn't easy and we all do the best we can.

After my dad passed, I had the exact same thoughts as Barb. I had so much anger and resentment feeling like I was left holding the bag caring for our dad after the stroke. I was already managing the household, yard work and finances before that. It is sad. I am getting some counselling so maybe my relationships can be repaired.
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Wow! I really thought maybe it was just my siblings being jerks! I have taken care of my Mom since my Dad passed 12 years ago and I have 1 sister and 4 brothers. 1 brother in the last few years started helping keep the lawn mowed. He lived with her for a few years which helped give me a break and I think he learned a few things, so he does still keep the lawn mowed and she will call him when she needs some emergency help. She has anxiety attacks and stomach issues all the time. We have made several trips to the ER. She just recently had knee surgery and I stayed with her for 3 days in the hospital. I was thanked by many of the nurses for staying which was a first for me. And a few asked me if I had a medical background because I knew her med's and several of the names of others, mostly because there where so many that she had tried and could not take. Try getting your parent through knee surgery without narcotics, not fun. I have to admit 4 out of 5 siblings did manage to come visit her though. She was scheduled for the second knee surgery in December but has told me she just doesn't think she can do another one this soon or maybe ever. I had one brother and my sister tell her that she will do it because that is what needs to be done! Well I got news for them our Mom is still of sound mind and no one is going to tell her she has to do this surgery now. Besides that, I'm not ready either, lol!  Mom and I discussed it and we both agree she should wait. Its been 3 weeks and she still has a lot of pain. My youngest son stepped u to the plate and took care of her dogs for the 2 weeks she was in the hospital and rehab.  Then continued to stay with her 24/7 and take her to physical therapy 3 times a week.  He is currently unemployed so I have been trying to pay him a little each week because it has been a tremendous help to both Mom and I.  
She is also awful lonely living by herself, so I think she will probably be moving in with my husband and I any time now. I know I am doing the best I can for Mom and no matter what I will always be there for her. With all that being said I still have hard feelings toward most of my siblings and it will take a long time to get over it. I have shed too many tears because of them and am doing by best to just take care of Mom.
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I don't know your situation of course, or what kind of parents you and your siblings had, but a common reason for a sibling being nonchalant about a parent's death is that there never was a real relationship with the parent - perhaps abuse, perhaps the parent was preoccupied with their own agenda, etc. So the child, to deal with the rejection and pain, decides to mentally "divorce" the parent. In extreme cases this can be a lifesaving move, but the problem is that the bridges are burned - to the child the parent is just another casual acquaintance. Also, many children are selfish and preoccupied with their own concerns. All too common. Sometimes you just have too do what you believe in the right thing, stop having expectations of sibs that are not realistic and be willing to get help where you can.
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Sorry for you loss. Both my parents are currently in assisted living after a year of hellish health and mental decline. Living 6 hours away, I moved in with them for several months to help stabilize their health while we searched for solutions. After 4 months, I needed a break and called my brother to help. He lasted two weeks with a live-in caregiver and wasn't able to "help" at all after that. I returned back and dealt with both parents while driving home 6 hours at a pop. We did find a lovely assisted facility for them and after a bumpy 3 month start they are fairly stable- my mom had to be transported to a mental health facility due to delusions and hallucinations (thought my father was trying to kill her, called the local police numerous times) was then transported to a medical hospital due to extreme weight loss. She's now in the Memory Care unit while my dad maintains a separate apartment in assisted living. It blows my mind that my brother hasn't called them or me in 5 months.
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I took care of both of my parents for seven years. Dad passed away in 2012. I lived a block away from my only sibling and for the two years that we lived close by she came to vist them twice. Mom started to get extremely sick about two years ago. A month and a half ago she was diagnosed with CHF. During those last two years and specifically the month and a half before passing I asked my sister for help many times. Not monetary, just time. She does not work. I have a full time job and live about an hour and a half from the workplace. She lives only 15 minutes away from my house. She never once complied. The day before mom passed away she came to the house, did not speak to me and stayed only for about an hour. The day mom passed I called her to let her know and she said she could not make it to my house at that moment. I am experiencing alot of grief and not exactly understanding how someone can be so non-chalant about a parents passing. I was with my through the whole process, and watched he detriorate day by day. She died at home and I was able to hold her hand and say goodbye. She never wanted to die at a hospital and I did everything I could to keep her at home with us. I consider this a priviledge. I am, however, dumfounded by my sibling and not exactly sure what to do with her. She is my only sibling. I guess I needed to vent.
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I feel exactly the same way about my nieces. Mom has three grandaughters, all adults, all unmarried and no kids. Their deadbeat father never contributed a dime to those girls, both before and after my sister died seven years ago my mother put literally everything she had into helping my sister and her kids. Without my mother the lot of them would have been living in the woods under a tarp and that's no joke either. But does any of that matter now, especially since the money tap has been cut off? Obviously not.

Examples: last summer while I was sitting in the hospital waiting for her to come out of surgery I asked if one of them could stop by (five minutes away), use the spare key and feed the cat. "Looks like my car tire might be getting flat, can't do it". A few months after she came home for good she was in rare form, not giving me a moment's peace. They asked if they could stop by and I was thrilled as it'd give me a chance to take care of some bills and etc. After maybe five minutes the two younger ones are weeping because mom mentioned their deceased mother, the oldest one is berating her "you cannot do that!!!" and the other two are sobbing and asking me if grandma "remembers" that mommy died, like I have any idea what's going on in her head. Then this past February a dear friend of mine died and I wanted to attend the service, but they "couldn't" cover for me because "their daddy" (a lifelong deadbeat btw) was coming by with pizza (he was angling toward asking if he could move in with them). Now they haven't visited or even inquired about their grandmother since May, when the oldest one asked if 11:15 PM on a Sunday night was "too late" for a visit (what do YOU think?).

I've already decided that when the time comes there isn't going to be a big service or anything, just a memorial for me. Her family and relatives are all gone as are the bulk of her old friends and I'm not going to shell out for a memorial service just to watch those hypocritical lazy little brats weep themselves silly. They had their chance and they've blown it badly thus far.
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I understand but I knew the one sister was severely mentally ill and could hardly care for her children and the other I thought was the 'nice' one turned out to be totally self centered & also MENTALLY ILL. I really haven't had to deal with too much angst towards them because of all this so that energy wasn't STOLEN and directed at a waste of time. I was shocked at the reaction I got from the one 'nice' sister when I said mom & I would come visit (they both live far away). She literally started moving people into her home then ended up yelling at me saying she needed time to get ready for guests after a year of me asking
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My sister disappeared years ago. The family sort of believes she is dead. Well, after 20 years of silence, it is probably true.

My brother is in really serious financial trouble. He can't muster the money to rent a car and make the trip here. I don't blame him for leaving me to deal with all this, but I did resent his demand for $10,000 to come and visit! Really?

So, there isn't any other siblings. I do not even acknowledge him. If I get an email, I reply the same way I would to an acquaintance.

I admit, I is probably easier on me this way. No one to resent, no expectations to be disappointed.
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