I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

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I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mom who has diabetes, macular degeneration, heart disease - you name it, honey, she's got it. I'm single and I moved back home to care for her and dad before he died. I love my mom, and I do my best for her, but I am so tired of being treated like an only child by my siblings. My brother and sister rarely call or come over. If I plan far enough in advance my sister will take mom to the doctor, but then she acts like she's an authority on mom's health issues while at the doctor, when she really isn't. She also thinks mom can go to the mall and run around afterward, which she's not able to do. My brother is useless - would it break his back to mow the yard? They are both married but they have no children, and my brother is retired so he has time on his hands. I complained about this once and my sister said I had chosen my life, and it wasn't her fault. True enough, but again it's HER mom too. I'm not sure I even know what my question is, I'm just so tired of handling this all alone. I find myself wishing my mom would die, just so I could have my life back. Then I feel awful for thinking such things. It's been nearly 10 years of this, and I am at the end of my rope. I have lost touch with all my friends and haven't had a date in 8 years. I just feel so alone, and I resent my siblings so much that when mom does die, I really have no intention of keeping in touch with them. I'm sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent.


Barbs, I can relate ! I have 2 siblings that also do nothing. If they come for a few hours a few times a year, its so much work to get her ready now that I hope they just never come anymore. Oh yea, they never see her but they know whats best for her right? They make me sick and all ties are off for me also. My Moms incontinent and I cannot even run to the store for anything without hiring someone. I love my mom, just needed a break sometimes on a regular basis so I hired someone a couple of afternoons a week and its a life saver. Mom pays, and yours should too, your siblings will be there when Mom passes with their hands out so let Mom pay and get a break.
This seems to be a 'common thread' with caregiving. One sibling has the responsiblity of caring, and the others are careless. Find help like "luvmom" said and it will help you. Don't worry about what your siblings are doing, do what you can with the resources you have, look for outside resources to help you, and when your mother passes YOU will not feel guilty. Yours will be a feeling of peace that YOU did all you could, while you could.

I know the stress and annoyance you are feeling is very draining now, find a local support group where you can SIT with others in the similar situation and talk to them about your concerns.

Coming online is VERY helpful. I have found this website to be a light in the dark for me, and yet I STILL wish there was a live chat room where 'we' could gather to exchange emotions realtime. I will continue to ask for this for the sake of everyone's benefit.

My role was much more involved with my mother's care than my other 3 siblings, and unfortunately I am not concerned with the 'lack of contact' from them since Mom passed away. They didn't talk to me much before, WHAT would they have to discuss with me now???? LOL..... funny... yet sad!

YOU are not alone in your feelings. Please understand that, and try to get some respise as you can. Ask for help from local senior agencies in your area, churches that offer help, and even 'senior daycare' centers may provide you with the rest YOU need.

God bless you for doing all you can.... you won't be sorry.
Barb, I know it's a lot to ask of you, but knowing that most depression,( unless it's a chemical problem), is caused by unforgiveness towards someone, or something.
At some point if you want to avoid becoming so depressed that you have to start taking meds to compensate for it, you'll have to FORGIVE your siblings for being such a disappointment to you. Reach out to the friends that you've let slide away, hire some help if need be and move on. When your mom does die, you'll always be glad that you stepped up when they didn't. That doesn't mean that you have to be a martyr and never have a life while she's alive, you need to find middle ground.
I agree with the previous posts... you do need a break... it is ok to hire help. Hopefully your mom can afford it. Sometimes medicare or other insurance policies will cover a caregiver. If not, churches and other non-profits may be able to help.

As far as your siblings go... it may be very difficult for them to cope with the fact that your mom isn't the same. I'm having the same issues with my family. My grandparents have 6 kids and out of them only 2 are actively helping. It is very difficult for them to be able to see their wonderful, strong parents in the weak, helpless state they are in. Plus with the dementia, a lot of times I think they feel that it doesn't matter if they visit. A lot of people are uncomfortable with death and being around old people.

I'm not trying to make excuses for them, but maybe you are the stronger one in the family. They should be helping but maybe they aren't strong enough to handle it. Again, I am not trying to make excuses but maybe it will help you to forgive them a bit to know that maybe they aren't purposely trying to be jerks, but they just aren't as strong as you to be able to handle it. Also, it is different when you are with your mom every day and the change in her is slightly worse every day/week/etc... it is a shock to most people to see the decline in someone when they only see them once in awhile. My cousin won't even come over because it makes him so sad to see my grandpa the way he is. I think it is ridiculous but you can't help how people react to things.

Anyway, take care of yourself. Make sure to take a little time for yourself when mom is sleeping or something to go for a walk or do something for yourself. Try to forgive your siblings because it will only make you feel bad to hold that inside of you.
My father died in Jan of 2010. My mother has Emphysema and is on oxygen 24/7. She doesn't drive and never had friends. I have three siblings who work full time. I work part time. I live 45 minutes away am married with two young adult children. Two of my siblings live a half hour away. For 15 months I have gone to my moms religiously at least once a week. I have asked my siblings for help too many times. All I get is, I'm too busy. I don't have any spare time to help. They all have adult kids too. I take my mom shopping, to the bank, the doctor and any other places she needs to go. I fix things at her house that need fixed. I freeze meals for her and take them to her every week. The other siblings think if they take her out to dinner once a month, they have done their part. I'm frustrated beyond belief. This comes after I was falsely accused of taking a large sum of money while I was living with my parents off and on for two months helping while my father was dying. I was ostracized from my family for three months and had a nervous break down. We came to find out one of our other siblings had taken the money. i forgave everyone for accusing me with the exception of the thief sibling who knew I didn't do it and was devastated. Now my mom is buying a house next to mine. She is 74 yrs old and her health is not getting any better. I have asked once again for help and I'm once again getting the I'm busy excuse. Nice family isn't it?
Call your county social service office and ask about low cost aides also look into hospice they might be able to help you-would your siblings be will to pay for help of an aide on an ongoing basis so you can get a break-your siblings may just be like most families where one kid is expected to do it all or in my family one doing most of it and another helping and two not even getting it their Mom is elderly and frail-but she is very alert and could open her mouth to ask for help from those two but she is too busy being angery at one who does help-she knows what is what and makes the two who do nothing think she is ok. It is very rare another adult child will step up to the plate when one does it all and they are usually very free with their advice. I know it is very hard but try to find some me time and if you could meet with a support group weekly-many hospitals or senior centers have them you would feel a lot better knowing others are going through the same as you-I know how hard and discourging it must be for you-my husband was hell to take care and he always looked good when we went someplace-of course it took me 4 hrs. to get him that way but others did not know that esprcially since he told everyone I did very little for him. Keep coming here for support-this site was a God send for me and now am trying to give back as other here who are former caregivers and you will be proud of yourself in time to come knowing you did everything you could to make it easier for your Mom. After she passes they will all be around to see what was left for them for sure.
Austin, thank you for your kind words and advice. I know I can lay my head down and sleep well at night. Not so sure about my siblings.
Barb, to my amazement I found out after both my parents passed and my family imploded and I was the main caregiver and the youngest - 50% of families never speak to one another again after the parents pass! I wish somebody would have prepared me - sorry but be prepared your family will never be the same unless, everyone does their share of caring for parents.
You can find services like COPES to come in once a week and give you a break - you can contact senior services in your area - for advice and an Elder Day Care - it gets seniors out of the house, and gives them activities to do, and gives you caregiver's while you work, shop, or spend some needed time to yourself. Hang in there - my family experience, made me an advocate for BETTER ELDER CARE. Good Luck

Don't know if you go to church, but this is a good time to join one. It'll help reconnect with yourself and hopefully find a good samaritan who can come by and help with the caregiving since your sibs won't share such a huge responsibility. Your resentment towards them will continue to fester as long as your Mom lives, but please stop and check yourself whenever you have a feeling of taking it out on her. She's already suffering enough, and the last thing she needs is for someone to treat her like a cross to bear.

It's probably too much to ask right now, but try to mend fences whenever possible. Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.

In the meantime, join us. We're here to collaborate, commiserate, and vociferate. ... And this forum is a wonderful place to learn some tips and coping skills.

-- Ed
Ed, I'm not a religious person, but I do live by the Golden rule:) I don't discuss my problems with my sisters with my mother. I love my mom and plan on taking care of her till her dying day. Thank you for your encouraging kind words.

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